Therapy is not just about talking, it is supposed to help you change. When therapy slips into a venting loop, that is repetitive, it may feel like it’s just a “bitch session.” This happens because expression without direction doesn’t lead to any type of transformation. Let’s talk about why that happens and how therapy can become productive.
The Trap of Repeating the Same Story Every Week
Sometimes people (especially men) can feel like they are saying the same things over and over again and nothing feels different.
Venting can feel relieving in the moment but it doesn’t create change. And sometimes people fall into this rut because people think this is what’s expected.
It’s true that getting things out in the open and saying them out loud can feel cathartic. It relieves some pressure, especially when someone listens without judgment. Although that relief is helpful, the ultimate goal is progress, which is different from relief.
In order for therapy to be productive, there needs to be some reorganization in the brain to assess the meaning of what has happened, so that something new can be integrated; new coping skills, new meaning, new perspective, etc.
If there is no new insight or thought adjustment, the relief will start to fade and the frustration will return.
Even though this sounds unproductive, there’s a reason this happens:
Frustration can become familiar and there can be comfort in staying in it. It’s not ideal but it feels predictable and safe.
The cycle of repeating the same complaint keeps a person focused on the problem instead of the solution, but it also protects them from experiencing deeper emotions like fear, shame and grief. Going deep is a risk that means there will be change and uncertainty, and sometimes it feels necessary to avoid that at all costs because staying stuck in the frustration can feel easier than going into that unknown territory.
Even though unknown territory is risky, repetition can reinforce identity and people start to tell themselves – “this is just how it is”. And starting to think that you are always going to have these problems and nothing will ever change…it’s just a part of who you are.
If therapy does not challenge the same story a person is telling over and over, then the story becomes more believable. Without breaking the cycle and moving from venting to making progress, they can’t build confidence to see that they are more than this story or situation.
The Difference Between Emotional Validation and Accountability
Validation alone isn’t transformation.
Yes, validation is essential because feeling understood builds safety and confidence. But that validation has to be followed by movement. Validation can help someone see that their emotions are common and make sense, but the work doesn’t stop there. Now they have to ask why and what happens now.
The real work starts when they begin to understand the pain. Being guided though this in therapy is what can lead to real change.
Accountability is not blaming yourself, it is taking ownership, and it builds confidence. When therapy is productive it helps a person assess what is within their control, how they respond and what they can do differently in the future. No one is denying the pain or injustice a person has experienced, but there is a shift away from being a victim to developing the confidence and skills to overcome.
“Accountability doesn’t mean suppressing strong emotion—it means owning it without letting it own you.” (“What is emotional accountability?”. Modern Therapy Alliance. https://moderntherapyalliance.com/what-is-emotional-accountability-and-how-to-practice-it/)
It’s important to be challenged in a safe way. Growth does not come from shame but it can require a person to get a little uncomfortable and deal with some internal issues.
Avoidance needs to be called out gently but in an honest way, so that it can be addressed. If there are beliefs that are keeping a person stuck, challenging them can help them move forward.
If there are unhealthy patterns identified, they should be called out in a way that does not attack character but acknowledges them and replaces them with adaptive coping strategies.
The best support is support that is challenging so you don’t stay comfortable with things that aren’t working. But if you’re challenged and the support is not also present, you are likely to shut down. The combination of both (support and challenge) is what can create positive change.
What Men Often Actually Want From Therapy
Many men are in therapy because they want to see action, not because they want to get their emotions out. They want therapy to do something, so they are looking for clarity, strategy, concrete next steps, and tools for communication in relationships and at work.
Clarity
Clarity includes help answering questions like ‘what is really going on inside me?’, ‘why do I react the way I do?’, and what is the issue that is triggering what I am feeling?’.
If there’s a clear understanding of these things then there will likely be less confusion and shame.
Strategy
Gaining insight is great but insight alone isn’t enough. Men want, and need, a way to handle their triggers. Having a plan to deal with situations that may be recurring, and ways to go about making decisions when they are under stress, can be reassuring.
Strategy takes their awareness and turns it into action.
Concrete next steps
When something is measurable, it feels more productive. So making progress into something measurable makes it feel more real.
When a therapy session ends with something to practice or a game plan to try something different, it feels productive and like time well spent.
Talking about and planning for change happens during sessions, but the actual changing happens between sessions when those next steps are taken.
Tools for communication in relationships and at work
Many men decide to begin therapy because they shut down or explode, or conflicts are never resolved- only escalated. They may struggle to say what they mean because they lack the tools to communicate in a positive way.
“They struggle with using “I feel” statements and don’t practice building their communication muscles. Because therapists are trained to help you explore and process feelings, seeing a therapist is like visiting an emotional gym and exercising these expression muscles.” (Kim, John. “Why I Think all Men Need Therapy.” Psychology Today. January 30, 2017. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-angry-therapist/201701/why-i-think-all-men-need-therapy)
Learning communication tools in therapy can help you express your needs without becoming defensive, how to set boundaries, and how to regulate emotions when you to have difficult conversations with others.
These skills are a first step towards improving relationships with others and becoming more in tune with themselves.
The goal in therapy isn’t to talk less about problems, it’s to talk about them in a different way so that there is change. If it becomes a ‘bitch session’ then that is a signal that there needs to be more direction and challenge so that it can become a place where those changes can actually be made.
If you are ready to move from venting to processing and from awareness to skill building, contact us, we can help.
