Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
Feelings as a source of information have been discounted for so long, we have some catching up to do! There are some pieces of feeling-related advice that have become commonplace like “listen to your heart”, which is progress. But what does that actually mean? Here …
Boundaries are one of the most important ways you care for your relationships and for yourself. It’s a way of being honest about what works for you and what doesn’t. This has nothing to do with being selfish. When you are not clear with others …
Defenses are kind of tricky because they are usually employed without your conscious consent. They are part of the workings of the unconscious mind to protect you. That doesn’t mean you can’t see them. It just means they can be sneaky!
I wanted to write about this because I have been seeing it as a theme popping up in sessions and conversations in my life. Whenever there is a theme, I know it’s time to write about it.
This can be range from something pretty benign like ignoring someone because you are embarrassed to full blown bullying.
We know that bullying is rooted in protecting a vulnerability. That vulnerability is usually a sense of inferiority that was probably seeded from another bully in that person’s life. This is all an unconscious process. Which is why it is so good that bullying is being talked about more in the media and in schools. How it is being addressed is not perfect by any means. But it is at least the conversation is starting so these dynamics can be brought into conscious awareness.
Anyone could be on the receiving end, just like anyone can be on the giving end of this deal.
If you feel confused about an interaction, that’s a fantastic indicator that this may have happened.
If you feel guilty after an interaction and realize there is no reason you should feel guilty, that could be a signal as well. For example, someone accuses you of not liking them, but you have no problem with them. You feel bad for making them feel like you don’t like them. But, wait, you have no problem with them. There you are…on the receiving end of projection. When someone is using offense as defense.
Also, you are likely more prone to be on the receiving end of this when you are the kind of person who is more likely to blame yourself over others for something that went awry. If this is you, read more here.
I first had the opportunity of interacting with Leah Niehaus, LCSW when she invited One Heart Counseling Center to share about mindfulness, emotional awareness, and facilitate an art therapy activity at one of her daughter’s National Charity League (NCL) monthly meetings. Leah informed us that …
You are not alone! Many people have the experience of these conflicting states at times and this Huffington Post article brings together what people have to say about it. I find it helpful when I know there are others who have similar experiences. And I …
![What Does Self Care Actually Mean? [Hint: it’s not planning a vacation or getting organized]](https://i0.wp.com/www.oneheartcounselingcenter.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2019/05/Self-Care.jpg?fit=1111%2C845&ssl=1)
Buying something nice for yourself, planning a vacation, or getting organized can feel good. And you know there are times when those things barely scratch the surface of what you actually need.
These moments can even inconspicuous. You find yourself wanting a treat. You waste time doing non-sense because you are struggling to focus on what really needs your attention. You look for ways to get ego cookies. You are contacting all your friends to see who can hang out. You try to get some kind of validation from your partner or your kids. You find yourself binging every TV show you can find that is even mildly interesting. Your thoughts are racing or all over the place. You distract yourself thinking about how other people are not doing it right or caring about you enough.
These can be tiny moments that add up. Or they can be big emotional waves or crises.
Caring for yourself is just ONE THING. ONE.
What does that mean?
Like: “Oh, I’m doing a million things to avoid how I feel right now. I feel overwhelmed (and I think I shouldn’t be).”
Hi. There you are. You are in that moment. Acknowledging what is actually happening for you.
Stop what you are doing as soon as you can. And just feel what is happening in your body. The knot in your throat, the tension in your back, the pit in your stomach, the heaviness in your chest, your dizzy head.
For 30 seconds. For 60 seconds.
You don’t need to dig deep and figure out what it is all about. You don’t need to be in therapy for 100 years. Just your attentive presence is enough.
And it will subside as you are with it. There might be other waves, maybe even two minutes from then, but it will go down.
You do physically uncomfortable things ALL THE TIME. You wait to use the restroom to make it through your meeting. You don’t give yourself time to eat and the hunger pain is real. Or you eat way too much and that pain is real. You push yourself in a workout. You delay going to sleep when you badly need it. You stub your toe even.
Nothing.
We don’t do it because we don’t realize how simple this is or know that we can make it through. Being with what is really happening for you means that your experience is acknowledged. And, then it can literally be done for now. You can conserve all that time and energy you were using to try and get away from it.
No one is going to feel it or get it like you do. No one. And that is all you want… for someone to get it. What if that can be you? For under 2 minutes.
This does not mean that we do not need connection with others. We do. We are open circuits that help to regulate one another when there is an attuned connection. And, we need to know how to care for ourselves just as much. It’s a vital life skill.
The bonus here is the insight that tends to bubble to the surface following these moments of presence. We spend all this time with racing thoughts, trying to figure things out and trying to stop the pain.
And these answers are usually higher quality solutions that come from a LOT less effort.
I recently had the chance to sit down to lunch with Monica Fyfe, MFT, founder of Our Village. Our Village is a 503c non-profit organization offering group based social skills support for any family that has a child managing any kind of social deficit (including …
Yes, social media is a topic of discussion in therapy. Every day. And, we are right at that time of year when people are posting about their holiday activities and we might have a little more time or temptation to be keeping up with what’s …
We have all either thought or said this at some point: “you wouldn’t act like this if you loved me.”
There is this prevailing thought that people act one certain way when they love someone. They talk in a loving and calm voice, they are patient, they say positive things, they are thoughtful, responsive and generous. They would not raise their voice, act in a disrespectful manner, fail to communicate or cause you to feel an ounce of pain.
It’s just not true.
When you were a child, did you ever scream at your parent? Even scream that you hated them? Did that mean you actually didn’t love them?
No.
Similarly, how about your child? Have they screamed at you? Does that mean they don’t love you?
It doesn’t.
So, can we agree that how people act doesn’t always indicate how much they love you?
I’m talking specifically about relationships where you and this person are both significant in each other’s life. You are family, you are long time friends, you are partners… those kinds of relationships.
Yes, how someone loved them definitely influences how they love you. If someone that loved them was insensitive to them, chances are that some degree of insensitivity will be an ingredient in the way they interact with you.
It has to do with the structures embedded in them over time about how being close or intimate looks and feels. And, it has to do how a person has learned to navigate the emotions that have come up with closeness (sweetness, joy, contentment, fear, disappointment, rejection, abandonment, intruded on, hurt).
If you had a critical or overbearing parent, did you sometimes lie because that cut down on lectures, sharp jabs or criticism? You might have learned to lie about things here and there to protect yourself. Then you lie to your partner and they find out. Does that reflect how much you love them? It doesn’t. This reflects how you cope with having a fear of being intruded on or a fear of criticism.
Ultimately, you might need to establish some boundaries around what your loved one is doing. That would actually support them in being able to change some of those patterns. If you communicate a boundary like “it’s not OK to lie”, you also have to be committed to making it safe for your loved one to tell the truth. Can you create non-judgmental and calm space?
[We won’t get into this on this post, but it is important to consider that your behavior can contribute to the dynamic that is going on. So, it is important to reflect on your part, of course.]
You might decide that the way your person loves is not OK with you in too many ways and it is time for distance or separation. And, that can be a healing or empowering choice for you.
It is true that you are engaged in the dynamics. You may be doing things to trigger the patterns being played out. For these reasons, seeing a therapist is a great way to explore any part that you play in repeated dynamics, if you feel called.
It is helpful to remember we have all acted in ways towards loved ones that do not reflect how much we love them.
When you are beyond stressed, there are very few self care remedies that you feel like doing. Even if they are going to do wonders for you like exercise or breathing or meditation. Honestly, when I am beyond, I could care less about what is …