Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
Burnout is real. Not only is it miserable for you, it’s toxic for your health and your relationships. You know this already. What you might not know about is these four signs that are about real life. Be honest with yourself when you look at …
It is that time of year. So much is going on and coming up. And, that is natural. When overwhelm hits, it feels like you need to do all the things. What actually needs to happen is taking a step back. Not much good comes …
Every human has them. No matter how much work you have done on yourself. No matter how many skills you have. Overwhelming times descend upon us all.
It could feel like anger, like panic, like fear. Any kind of intensity.
What wise decision can I make for myself right now?
In those moments, we want to fix. We want to take action. Of course. Because we want resolution for what is freaking us out.
Ultimately, in any moment of intensity, you are not operating with all your faculties. You are in the “amygdala is the boss” mode and the amygdala is a brute. The amygdala wants to fast forward everything right now.
I joke with my clients: trying to make a decision when you are this upset is like trying to make big life decisions when you are intoxicated. Would you advise that? Of course not!
The first thing to do is get into a wiser state of mind. Or find someone to guide you into a wiser state of mind and be a willing participant.
It doesn’t have to be anything big. In fact, you probably can’t do anything big. It might just be making a choice like:
I’m willing to not make big decisions right now.
I’m willing to care for myself right now.
I’m willing to choose supporting myself instead of spiraling downward.
I’m willing to take some breaths.
I’m willing to walk instead of scream.
I’m willing to listen to someone in a better head space.
Being willing goes a long way. In fact, it is one of the best predictors of successfully working through any challenge. Read more about that here.
Once you get yourself into a more balanced mental and physical space (nervous system is calmed down and not in fight or flight), you will get to your answer much faster.
Emergency actions can lead to more issues kind of like when you rush and spill your coffee, forget your phone and accidentally kick your dog.
![What Does Self Care Actually Mean? [Hint: it’s not planning a vacation or getting organized]](https://i0.wp.com/www.oneheartcounselingcenter.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2019/05/Self-Care.jpg?resize=760%2C400&ssl=1)
Buying something nice for yourself, planning a vacation, or getting organized can feel good. And you know there are times when those things barely scratch the surface of what you actually need. These are times where all you want to do is avoid, fix or …
Self care has gotten a lot of press lately, which is good. The distinction between being selfish and caring for yourself is an important one. Knowing that your cup needs to be full in order for you to be able to support others is also …
Finally, there is a way to understand what many people have been living. These are people who have long felt there is something wrong with them because they are not like the majority of people.
Dr. Eliane Aron, a clinical psychologist, has pioneered the research about highly sensitive peopleand found that they comprise about 15-20% of the population. “According to Dr. Aron’s definition, the highly sensitive person (HSP) has a sensitive nervous system, is aware of subtleties in his/her surroundings, and is more easily overwhelmed when in a highly stimulating environment”. Compared to others, a highly sensitive person processes “everything around them much more—reflect on it, elaborate on it, make associations”.
Want to know if you have this trait? Take this test.
Dr. Julie Orloff is a psychiatrist and UCLA faculty member who has written about empaths. She writes that empaths have all the qualities of an HSP but also experience subtle energy. She says: “since everything is made of subtle energy, including emotions and physical sensations, [we] energetically internalize the feelings and pain of others”. There is more extensive information on this in her book “The Empath’s Survival Guide”.
What to know if you are an empath? Take this test.
Ok, so, obviously, if you are an HSP, an empath or both, you are living life in vivid color. At least from your own internal point of view. I might even call it multidimensional.
There’s a lot to process! That can cause the need to have space and time to reflect.
If this is you, you might not know this is what you need and you find yourself being really irritable and grumpy then thinking you are a horrible person for being that way.
You’re not.
The need for space, reflection and the time to process is VITAL. And it is OK for you to have that need.
Responsibility for our sensitivity.
Yes, there needs to be space for the information about these traits to disseminate into the collective, for people to start to understand their nature. For there to be permission for this way of being.
There needs to be an acknowledgement that there is nothing wrong with you. It is important for you to experience the relief of that acknowledgement and internalize it.
It is disempowering to feel like we are a victim of our sensitivity or perceptive nature.
“I can’t do x y z, I’m an HSP or Empath” is an accepting of your nature, yes. And that is an important step. Especially since you have tried and others have tried to fit you into the societal paradigm of striving, productivity and achievement.
However, this process of accepting your sensitivity does not stop there. There is the step of embracing of your sensitivity and living powerfully with it.
You have likely spent a long time trying to stop or change these things about yourself. That makes it tough to see the gifts of these traits.
How does your sensitivity show up as an asset in your work? As a parent? As a partner?
Do you have intuitive gifts that you might not yet be fully accessing because you have been trying to fit the mold? It might be a good time to start exploring those. As you explore those, you might come to find more enjoyment of your nature.
How much rest do you need?
How much time do you need to transition between activities?
How many hours can you work?
How many social activities can you do during the week or on the weekend?
What kind of recovery is most effective for you? Is it being in nature, reading, meditating, staring at the wall?
If you are going to go somewhere where there are crowds of people and that can be taxing on you, prepare for it. That might mean doing less stimulating things before and after. Or finding ways to protect your energy. It could mean making sure you give yourself enough time to get to the activity. Sometimes I will feel resistant to doing something so I delay then I end up rushing and that sends me off the edge.
It might take some time to figure out your formula for how much activity and stimulation your system allows. Or to know how much recovery, rest or downtime you need. And what kind of rest, recovery or downtime you need.
Keep a journal of this as you experiment.
Helping your loved ones understand your traits will take some time too. Send them this post if that would be helpful.
When you are beyond stressed, there are very few self care remedies that you feel like doing. Even if they are going to do wonders for you like exercise or breathing or meditation. Honestly, when I am beyond, I could care less about what is …
Everyone is talking about Mindfulness. To the point where you might not want to care about it. You probably see annoying memes about the present moment. I get it. Sometimes I scroll by and just want to hate it. But, the reason mindfulness is huge …
No one likes feeling stressed, everyone wants to get rid of stress. I get it.
It’s possible. I know it seems impossible, but I’m going to tell you exactly how.
The point is, we don’t want to eliminate stress all together because then you would be eliminating your body’s warning system that you need to call in extra support.
You are most likely sending signals to yourself that you are overwhelmed before it actually consciously registers.
DO THIS: Quickly think back to a time in your life when you were stressed and what you tend to do (behaviors), think or feel during those times. Remember, thoughts, feelings and behaviors are the channels your internal GPS uses to communicate with you.
Here are mine.
Behaviors: I let the dishes build up, I want late night treats (yogurt almonds are my latest favorite), I procrastinate going to bed, I watch more TV than normal.
Thoughts: “I don’t want to do this anymore”
Feelings: I feel irritated, pressured and rushed. If it is really bad, I feel like I hate everything and don’t care about anything.
If you pay attention to when these signals show up, you will be able to catch stress levels creeping up sooner.
Once you reflect for a minute, you will likely be able to identify it right away. The next part of this step is: what kind of stress is it?
TO DO: Remind yourself it is time limited, that you can make it through time limited stress. We tend to forget it is time limited when we are in it. Focus on the basics: sleep, food, water, breathing, exercising, keeping your mind right. Don’t try to look at making progress on long term issues/projects.
TO DO: Incentivize. Give yourself something to look forward to at the end of the stressful time. Build in breaks or incentives along the way if you can. It would be good to schedule a massage or make sure you are getting in something to take care of yourself along the way too.
TO DO: You are taking things to a new level. That means you need new coping strategies or to re-introduce ones that have worked in the past during stressful times.
TO DO: Are you at a plateau? Check your long game. Sometimes you are stressing because you want to take things to the next level, but that desire hasn’t made it to your conscious awareness yet. Time to look at long term goals.
TO DO: Communicate and plan in advance for breaks/incentives/strategies.
TO DO: This is the hardest. Once you get through the feelings that come up during and right afterward (don’t be afraid to get help to process the feelings), try to look for meaning. That creates perspective. Once we understand the purpose of something in our lives, we tend to feel more settled about it.
Because your thoughts, feelings and behaviors are all connected to your internal world, if you change one, the others will shift as well.
If we take my example of how I respond to stress above, you can see the changes I could make in italics.
Behaviors: I let the dishes build up, I want late night treats (yogurt almonds are my latest favorite), I procrastinate going to bed, I watch more TV.
SHIFT: Make a point to wash dishes once at the end of the day, get to bed on time, make sure I am implementing a strategy from step #2 above depending on the stressor such as schedule a massage for myself.
Thoughts: “I don’t want to do this anymore”.
SHIFT: Remind myself of the goal, the reason for the stress so I can stay motivated. Remind myself that it is a short time that I have to tolerate this. Remind myself that I have the option to set up something to take care of myself while this stressful time is happening.
Feelings: I feel irritated, pressured and rushed. If it is really bad, I feel like I hate everything and don’t care about anything.
SHIFT: Remind myself that these feelings are just because I am stressed, not an overall evaluation of my life. I let it be OK that I don’t care about anything. Vent to someone, let the feelings out.
It doesn’t make things “all better now”. It is about alerting you to the fact that the first signs of stress are ones that you can use to your advantage by realizing you need to do just a little bit of triage before you start going off the rails. A little bit of stress and struggle never hurt anyone, the part that is crushing is when it is too late in the game.