Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
People use the terms panic attack and anxiety attack interchangeably, and although they may appear to be similar, they really are very different. You might mistake a panic attack for an anxiety attack (in someone else, or yourself) if you are not aware of the …
So, you know how to be empathetic, but why don’t you always practice it? Last week we shared a video on illustrating empathy. It is about connection and presence. Even though you know how to do that, you might not always handle situations with connection …
Feelings as a source of information have been discounted for so long, we have some catching up to do! There are some pieces of feeling-related advice that have become commonplace like “listen to your heart”, which is progress.
But what does that actually mean?
Here are some guidelines for how to listen to yourself in a helpful way:
If you are, there are probably some things you want to say or do that are coming from a place of pain vs your true heart feelings. The feelings (including and especially the pain) are super important to process, but it is not the time to take action on them yet if the pain is active.
So, if you are in emotional pain, the only thing you need to do is pay attention to those feelings by acknowledging them (here are exact instructions on how to do that). That IS listening to yourself. You can do that by writing them out, venting them out to a safe third party (a therapist is a good option), or moving your body.
If you are overwhelmed with emotional pain, you want to be careful of flooding (read about that here) and it is best to move away from the pain so you can process and get some perspective. Otherwise staying with the pain is likely re-traumatizing you.
You know how a truth can come to the surface and it can be a hard one, but all of the sudden the waters are calm? It doesn’t mean the feeling is easy. It means the truth is here and it is what it is.
If you are in that space, you can trust that guidance to take whatever action you need to take. If you need help on exact guidance that comes through common emotions and what to do with that guidance, check out this guide.
Let this not be confused with employing avoidance strategies that let you “work around” the uncomfortable feelings. For example, “It doesn’t matter” or “this will blow over”.
Uh. That’s called sweeping things under the rug. That gives you peace because you don’t have to deal with it. That’s not what I’m talking about.
There is no around. There is THROUGH. Either now or later. I try to choose through if I can. Otherwise, the “later” option usually involves more emotional pain.
No thank you.
Our defenses and coping mechanisms are sneaky. So make sure you are not just repeating old patterns here. Again: therapists as an objective third party can help with this. They are trained to be accurate mirrors. Find one you trust and go to them in these moments.
This is a must. When you tell the story of what is upsetting you or bringing up big feelings, you want to check for these things:
Are you making any assumptions? Like are you thinking you know how someone feels, but they haven’t told you that? Are you connecting dots and putting pieces together on your own?
When you are telling the story (writing it or telling it to a safe third party), is your narrative pretty coherent? Meaning, you’re not jumping all over the place? Instead it’s just a clear, simple, cohesive narrative.
Are you saying or thinking things like: “people always do this” or “why does this always happen to me”? Is it a complaint or feeling you find yourself having a lot over the course of your life? That’s a clue that there is likely an old program running (read what that means here) and probably doing work on yourself first is the best way to go.
You want to make sure your thinking is straight because you don’t want to get caught following the guidance of misled thoughts (we all have them). Read more about that here.
Following your heart means “true”, “helpful”, “timely” and “kind” action.
Healing of a furry kind, an interview by Anna Pirkl, LMFT, ATR, LAADC with Kryss Castle LMFT and Bella – Certified Therapy Dog. I arrive at Kryss’s office and Bella greets me. I can tell she is excited to see me, yet, she does not …
Emotions are messengers from the internal world. They were designed that way. They are here to help you survive and thrive. Not be a nuisance. When you pay attention to them and keep them clear, you have way more time and energy for the things …
You don’t want to be a jerk so you say “I’m not mad, I’m frustrated”.
I like that you are trying to be nice. That’s sweet.
But it’s really not helping you.
By labeling your anger “frustration”, you are missing out on the true message your emotions are trying to send. In essence, you are getting bad directions. And that just takes longer. I really don’t want unpleasant things to take longer. I bet you feel the same.
This post is #9 in a series of 10: Ten Basic Emotions and their Messages.
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Before we start, let’s quickly set the stage.
Each emotion has a general message it wants to convey. Once that message is delivered (meaning you accept it that it is present and that its presence is OK) the wave of that emotion can be processed.
Sometimes there are multiple waves of the emotion. Sometimes it takes a little time for the emotion to process through the body, sometimes it is relieved right away. It just depends.
It’s important to remember that there are nuances to the system. Each emotion also has a spectrum of how helpful it can be.
Frustration wants to let you know that something is blocking your way and you need to “helicopter up” to see the obstacle so you can remove it or find an alternate route.
We all want to get where we are going. That’s why traffic sucks.
Frustration shows up like a Waze notification to tell you there is an incident ahead and wants to help you find a way around it so you can get to your destination without too much delay. Except, you probably get caught up with complaining or getting mad about the obstacle instead of trying to figure out what it is. I know I do.
What if you could use frustration to your advantage? As it was meant to be used?
Remember, anger is telling you that a boundary of yours has been crossed. Or, at least, you think it has.
Anger means you need to address the boundary crossing. Frustration means you need to back up and find your way around or find a way to remove what is getting in the way.
Both of them usually reside in the arms, hands, upper back, shoulders and jaw. They both give you energy to address the problem.
However, frustration usually happens when you are trying to make progress toward a goal (which can involve a person in an interaction, but it can also be about a situation or thing–like traffic or technology). Anger usually happens in relationship to others (or yourself).
You are discussing a problem with your partner. You notice that you are having a hard time understanding each other so it is taking a while to solve the problem. Frustration or anger?
During the discussion, your partner says “are you an idiot?” Frustration or anger?
If you are frustrated, you might get that signal in your body and pause the conversation for a second (or longer). Usually this is easier if the frustration is not super high, obviously, and you are trying to practice being mindful. You might helicopter up (get a birds eye view) and say, “I’m getting frustrated, I think we are missing each other here. Can you tell me in a different way?”
If you or your partner are angry, you want to stop the conversation and let your partner know that is not OK to address you that way. You probably both need a minute (or longer) to cool down and reset before you try again.
One requires looking for and figuring how to deal with an obstacle, the other is about holding a boundary or protecting yourself, if needed.
It will make you look mature and smart and just awesome to be around. People will like you 😉