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Have you heard someone say that a person is emotionally unavailable? Or maybe they have said that they are emotionally unavailable. This is a term that gets used a lot on social media so we thought we’d take a moment to clear it up and …
It’s almost that time! We thought we’d take a moment to talk about preparing to return to school. Transitions can be tough for kids AND adults. For some families, it might be ‘sweet relief’ to get into the structure and flow of a school year; …
Having a new baby changes your world on every level. One level that might not get as much attention is your relationships with extended family. You are now a parent who has to think about what’s best for your children and this new family you’ve created. This is a shift because you, and your extended family, are used to you being the “kid” of your parents or in-laws.
This can be a challenging transition for you and your partner, as well as your family members. So let’s talk about how you can manage it in a healthy way.
You spent time considering the ways your life would change when you were preparing for your baby; you had to think about how your finances would be impacted, your career, your housing needs, etc. It’s OK to prepare your relationships for the changes as well.
You don’t have to know how things will change because there’s really no way to know exactly how things will change. It depends on a lot of factors that you can’t always predict! But just communicating in advance that changes may be coming will help prepare everyone so it doesn’t come out of the blue.
How you handle these situations may not change once you have a baby, but they might; so it’s best to be prepared, give family a head’s up and start to establish boundaries before the baby even arrives.
“All families come with their own unique dynamics, struggles, and traditions, but as a new parent, your job is to do what’s best for you, your baby, and your partner.” (Popsugar.com | How to Set Boundaries With Your Extended Family Once You Have Your Own | Katie Stahl, February 19, 2020, https://www.popsugar.com/family/How-Set-Boundaries-Family-After-Baby-42985522)
You can start to work it into conversations casually before the baby comes and closer to the due date, make sure those closest to you know how you feel.
Preparing people in advance for changes can also prepare you for being able to really flex your muscles at asking for what you need. Do you need people to bring food for lunch when they visit? Ask them. You need help putting away toys, folding laundry, etc.? Let them know you would really appreciate some help with that when they stop by. People in your life want to support you, but sometimes they just don’t know what you really need, so tell them exactly how they can help. Remember they might really love to help you.
The things you need help with may seem obvious to you but remember, people can’t read your mind. The things that would be a huge relief to be taken off of your plate may be small things that family members don’t even realize are a challenge for you to do.
It’s common to think about new parents having to limit visits from family members but maybe you want people to come around more. Sometimes being home alone with the baby can get lonely. So it works both ways, if you need less visits or more visits, being honest and communicating what you need to the people in your life is key.
First and foremost you need to make sure you and your partner are on the same page.
“To set strong boundaries, the first step is being clear with yourself and your partner about what those boundaries are, and why. Make sure you are both on the same page before you attempt taking on his family.” (parents.com | As A New Parent, How Do I Set Baby Boundaries With Extended Family? | Emily Edlynn, Ph.D, April 29, 2022, https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/advice/ask-your-mom/how-do-i-set-baby-boundaries/)
When you decide what your boundaries will be you can go ahead and talk about how you will explain them to family members. Then you are both prepared and don’t get caught off guard wondering what to say if you are put on the spot and have to enforce that boundary with your family or their family.
Reaching an agreement about boundaries will hopefully help you avoid situations where one of you allows something that’s not OK with the other, or having a disagreement in front of your families. You want to feel supported by your partner when you say no to something, and it’s important to support them as well.
It’s helpful for you, and your family members, if you are both super clear about your boundaries so no one is left guessing what is and what is not okay.
You don’t want your family to feel like they are walking on eggshells all the time, you want them to enjoy time with the new baby because it’s a very exciting time and it’s important for your child to bond with grandparents and other family members.
“It’s unrealistic to expect the grandparents to behave like paid babysitters following a checklist. They’ll need some free rein to create their own dynamic with your kids. If it’s important that they respect your toddler’s nap time, hold that line. But ease up on less essential rules.” (Happiestbaby.com | How to Set Boundaries with Grandparents, https://www.happiestbaby.com/blogs/parents/grandparent-boundaries)
So make sure your boundaries don’t turn into just a lot of rules that make visits hard for everyone.
Just like in life, everything in your life as a new family can not be 100% controlled and you can stress yourself out if you put too much pressure on yourself to make everything perfect. As new parents you will have instincts about what is best and it’s up to you to decide how your new family engages with others; you will know which battles are worth fighting and when you can let your guard down a little.
A few months ago, my father gave me a book he found in his grandfather’s library. My great grandfather was ahead of his time; he was into spirituality, health food and meditation. When I opened this book, I understood where so much toxic positivity had …
When I first started practicing as a therapist, many people that reached out for therapy were in crisis. They were in dire need of help. We saw people in our practice who were dealing with intense depressive or anxiety symptoms, severe trauma, life crises and …
It is not uncommon for people to start playing the blame game when they first start therapy. It may include blame directed at our family or parents, or the blame may be directed at the past and outside circumstances. This is a normal response and it’s all a part of the process.
I’m sure you’ve heard people say it before: it’s probably going to get worse before it gets better.
If it does, that’s OK. To make it easier, let’s talk about what you can expect.
When you begin therapy, or go through the different stages of therapy, you have an opportunity to look at the cards you were dealt in life and it can be hard to face. This might mean approaching some uncomfortable realities.
For example, there might have been some unhealthy dynamics in your family growing up. This doesn’t mean anyone is bad. It just means we are all human, doing our best. But, it’s important to see the realities because those are often what contribute to the reason you started therapy in the first place.
Some people start to experience this and want to quit therapy because they think it’s not working. This is a normal part of the process and doesn’t mean you aren’t making progress; actually this is a sign of progress.
You might feel angry and want to blame all the bad things that have happened on someone or some circumstance; or you might blame yourself.
Think about if you were diagnosed with an illness. You are not to blame for the illness. However, you are responsible for your health. This means it’s your job to focus on understanding what’s going on, living a healthy lifestyle, following directions from your health care providers, etc.
It’s the same concept when you are dealing with your emotions. When you are given a clear vision of the cards you are holding you might feel angry about what you’ve had to deal with because it was out of your control. Totally understandable. And there is space for that in therapy. The good news is, you get to be in control now and work towards getting to a better place of health and wellness.
Here’s the thing about the truth, when it first comes to light, it can be hard. But then it gets easier. You process the feelings, you come to terms with it and now that the information is here, you can actually deal with it head on. You might finally be able to see a family dynamic that impacted you in a negative way, or how there are unresolved emotions around a certain event. The truth has always been there, buried deep, and you have been dealing with it all along.
When you see things from your past with more clarity, you start to understand things that have happened in your life, how those things affected you (and still affect you) and why you reacted in the ways you did. Once it’s out in the open, you get to create a way to move forward.
Coming to terms with hurtful truths from your past is hard, but such a crucial piece to position you in a place where you have power over your life and your choices.
Empowerment is the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in managing your life and claiming your rights.
Once you have a more clear view of things, you will start to see that you can’t control anything outside of yourself. Sometimes we know this but we talk ourselves into thinking that maybe we could have done something to change an outcome that we weren’t happy with or had a negative impact on us.
You might have to remind yourself, on a regular basis, that you can only be responsible for the things you actually have control of, because it’s easy to lose sight of that truth.
If you focus on things that are beyond your control then you will be stuck on a hamster wheel of trying to fix things that can’t be fixed or trying to change things that you don’t have the power to change.
‘As you begin to resolve the problem that brought you to psychotherapy, you’ll also be learning new skills that will help you see yourself and the world differently. You’ll learn how to distinguish between situations you can change and those you can’t and how to focus on improving the things within your control.’ American Psychological Association, Understanding psychotherapy and how it works Last updated: July 31, 2020 Date created: November 1, 201232 min read
It’s important to get clear about what you can manage inside of you, like your thoughts, perceptions, responses to what happens in the outside world.
When you reach this place, your healing and growth accelerate. This is empowerment.
Coming to terms with what you have been through is tough and necessary to start healing. Blaming others, blaming your circumstance or blaming yourself, while it is a natural reaction, is not the way you’ll be able to move forward.