Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
Vacations are supposed to be relaxing, but if you’re reading this, you know that going on vacation involves stress. Sometimes it’s stress before, during and/or after. But you can take action and cut down on the stress. Let’s break this down so you can get …
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Extra-curricular activities like sports and art classes are important for kids. They promote skill development, socialization, regulating energy levels, and physical health. But, when you’re trying to set up your kids’ after school schedule, there’s a reason not to lump therapy in with art and sports. It’s in its own category.
Let’s talk about how it is different.
For example, if your child is struggling with anxiety (regular anxiety, performance anxiety or social anxiety), being in extracurricular activities is going to exacerbate the issue if they are not learning the skills to be with and overcome the anxiety that comes up in those after school activities.
“While goal oriented activities can help a child develop certain skills, when those skills are scrutinized by parents, coaches or teachers, it can lead to self esteem issues, stress, and anxiety. This is especially true around the age of 12 when kids start to compare themselves to their peers in the formation of identity and self concept.” (Wijkstrom, Stephanie. “Signs Your Child Is Involved in Too Many Extracurricular Activities.” Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburg. October 5, 2022. www.counselingwellnesspgh.com/signs-your-child-is-involved-in-too-many-extracurricular-activities/)
While most extracurricular activities are fun and kids are excited about participating in them, they can still trigger stress, big feelings or overwhelm for a kid. If they are already working on identifying the emotions associated with their general anxieties and developing coping skills to address them, then they can apply them in all areas of their life whether it be family, school, friends or even extracurricular activities. This can help them get more out of those activities and find a sport or activity that they can thrive in.
We see parents pull kids from therapy thinking that the child doesn’t care. Kids might not always tell you that they do, because they want to please you or might not be fully aware of what’s happening in therapy. If you want therapy to be a safe place for your kid to work through things, you have to make sure it’s reliably available.
Therapy can be hard for kids because their therapist will push them to help them grow. If it’s intermittently available, your kid won’t open up enough to get the support they need. Consistency allows them to develop trust and build a relationship with their therapist.
“The key here is being consistent; if you want change, you must be consistent. Consistency essentially means sticking to the plan and not skipping (or over-doing) something.” (Barbash, Elyssa. “STOP CANCELING YOUR THERAPY APPOINTMENTS! – THAT IS, IF YOU WANT REAL CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE.” Tampa Therapy. June 4, 2017. www.tampatherapy.com/2017/06/04/12338/)
This happens a lot: people don’t think they have time for therapy or they don’t feel like going. This is the best time to go. Where else in life can you take a pause from the outside world to reflect, be seen and gather yourself? There are no distractions. Sometimes it’s the exact thing you need, especially when you don’t feel like it.
If you act like it isn’t a big deal to cancel appointments because something else comes up or because you want to use that time to get other things checked off your to-do list, then you are showing your kid that therapy is not a priority. Talk with them about the benefits of therapy and how important it is to keep it up, even when it feels hard or when it doesn’t feel like you have time for it.
Modeling this behavior in your own life as a parent, and prioritizing your own mental health and self-care, is another way you can emphasize the importance of sticking with it.
It’s true, therapy is an ‘extra’ event that you have to factor into your schedule, however, it’s very different from a typical extracurricular activity. It’s not a luxury or something to be used as a reward; it may be a necessity for your kid’s mental and emotional well-being. (Barbash, Elyssa. “GETTING AWAY FROM THE “THERAPY IS A LUXURY” MENTALITY.” Tampa Therapy. April 25, 2017. www.tampatherapy.com/2017/04/25/getting-away-from-the-therapy-is-a-luxury-mentality/)
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There’s a lot of pop mental health advice floating around on social media these days and I’m totally here for it…well, some of it. Should we be more informed about trauma, emotional intelligence, relationship dynamics and attachment issues? Yes,100%! Although it can be beneficial, there …
Do you have trouble saying no? Do you constantly worry what people think about you and you find yourself apologizing frequently? Do you avoid confrontation and feel responsible for other people’s feelings? If you struggle with any of these things then you may be a people pleaser.
Let’s get to the bottom of what it is and why you do it.
Merriam Webster defines a people pleaser as a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.
It’s common for people to want others to like them and to desire to make others happy, however, people pleasing behavior takes this to the extreme.
“A desire to please people can manifest in many ways. A person may find it hard to say no to requests, regularly take on extra work, even if they do not have the time, often over commit to plans, responsibilities, or projects, or avoid advocating for their own needs, such as by saying they are fine when they are not.” (Villines, Zawn. “People pleaser: What it means and how to stop”. Medical News Today. March 1, 2023. www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/people-pleaser#signs.)
People pleasers put the needs of others above their own to the point that they can become depressed and resentful.
Maybe you grew up in a culture that elevates selflessness and shames those who do things for their own enjoyment or to make themselves happy. If you grew up thinking other people always come first and you are not important, then naturally you will be conditioned to people please as an adult.
If you experienced relationship issues within your family where your parents’ love and affection was conditional, then you grew up thinking it’s normal to have to “earn” love. This can lead to becoming a people pleaser because the behavior modeled for you as a child was that love is only given when you do something for someone else.
Low self-esteem can also lead to people pleasing. If you feel like you are worth less than other people then you may not speak up for yourself and show concern for yourself. You may feel like helping others gives you purpose. If helping others makes you feel important it can be an emotional boost that you start to depend on to feel good about yourself.
People pleasing can have negative effects on you and others around you. If you are constantly trying to please others then you are probably not taking care of your own needs. This can lead to stress, anxiety or even medical issues.
If you are constantly trying to keep up and make sure others like you and are getting their needs met, you will eventually become physically, mentally and/or emotionally exhausted. It just becomes too much to handle and you will not have the energy you need to take care of your personal needs or stay focused at work or other activities.
Another way it works against you is by creating relationship problems. You may become resentful of people close to you because you feel like you are contributing more to the relationship, even though you are doing it on your own, not because they have asked you to.
An important first step to reduce your people pleasing behaviors is to take a look at where these behaviors came from and how they have been linked you surviving in the world.
It’s important to know that this is a strategy that has worked and makes sense, but you’re ready to move beyond it so your relationships with yourself and others can be healthier.
It will take practice to rewire these patterns. Start just noticing where you overextend yourself for others. Watch it happen, then you can consider afterward: how could I have responded differently or handle it differently. Start to build awareness and open up possibilities as to different ways you can respond that would honor you and the person you’re relating to.
Then take a chance and try it. Sometimes responding to someone via email or text to test out new ways of responding is helpful because it gives you a minute to think and gather your courage.
See what comes up: do you sweat? get nervous about what the other person will say? Do you worry they won’t be happy with you? Breathe with those worries and remind yourself you are safe. Tiny steps.
If you know that you do this, but you just don’t know how to stop, contact us, we can help!
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Asking a child to be “good” or telling them to be “good” slips out so easily. It’s just so ingrained in us to use these words, and the truth is they are words that carry some really strong conditioning that we don’t even know is being transmitted. Being “good” essentially means “well behaved” or “doing things right”. When you stop to really reflect on that, what’s “good” and “right” is changing, isn’t it?
Sometimes families come to therapy worried that their little girls don’t speak up for themselves, or engage in people pleasing behavior and worry that they will succumb to peer pressure when they’re older. Or that their little girls are anxious or depressed. Oftentimes that comes from trying to “be good” and they are rewarded for “behaving”.
So let’s talk about what Good Girl Conditioning looks like and find some ways we can take a more conscious approach.
Lots of young girls are taught to always be polite and considerate of other people’s feelings, even if it compromises their own feelings or happiness. This leads to them seeking perfection and saying yes to things they really don’t agree with or want to do.
When we are girls we are taught that being good means to “never show our anger, allow people to violate our boundaries, and to hide our own needs to please others”. Unfortunately, if that is what it takes to be ‘good’ then that means “we aren’t able to say we’re uncomfortable, tell someone ‘no’ (set a boundary), or express how we truly feel”. (LePera, Nicole [@the.holistic.psychologist]. “Good Girl Conditioning” Instagram, October 21, 2022, https://www.instagram.com/p/CkZclKKvbWS/)
When girls, and eventually women, subscribe to this way of thinking then they end up always trying to do what it takes to be liked or be what everyone wants her to be, instead of being her true self.
“Research suggests this gender bias starts early in childhood. Girls are more emotionally mature and better behaved, and hence they take their parents’ “please be good” guidance on board from an earlier age.” (Schrader, Jessica. “5 Ways to Stop Being the Good Girl and Start Getting Stronger.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 21 Feb. 2018, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-path-passionate-happiness/201802/5-ways-stop-being-the-good-girl-and-start-getting-stronger.)
This continues and girls feel a need to be “good” by getting the best grades in school, impressing their boss by doing more than their share at work or focusing on their outward appearance and being liked by everyone in the social scene.
Unfortunately, society actually encourages girls to put the needs of others before themselves and insinuates going along quietly and remaining loyal at all costs are the qualities that make them good so it’s our job to teach them differently.
If you’re raising girls, there are a couple of things you can do to teach your girls to be powerful, emotionally intelligent and know how to function in society.
First, you can teach basic emotional intelligence skills. These are the building blocks needed to create a solid foundation that ensures she knows how to handle emotions appropriately and not just try to be good. Learn more HERE about how to instill emotional maturity in your kids or visit this past blog post ‘An easy way to raise your child’s emotional intelligence’.
Second is clearly communicating that even if you’re angry, frustrated, irritated, everyone is OK and you love them. Let your children know that you are human and you will experience these emotions, and so will they. Feeling these emotions does not mean you don’t love them or that they need to be someone different than who they are. If a child thinks they can be “good” enough to stop you from experiencing these emotions they will never succeed and they will feel like it’s their fault.
Third is being objective about rules and expectations in different settings, rather than connecting following rules and expectations to whether they are a good or bad girl. For instance, at school there’s a rule that says you can’t wear costumes, so costumes are for when you are not at school. Or, school / public places are not appropriate settings for a certain behavior like touching themselves (yes, kids do and it doesn’t mean something is wrong) or screaming; that’s something to do when you have privacy, or you’re outside, etc.
Finally, teaching about how to communicate boundaries. It’s important for them to know how to speak up for themselves and that it’s okay to speak up for themselves. You can practice certain statements with them and give them examples of how to say things in a way that is respectful and not rude like “I don’t like that”, “no thank you”, “this is feeling uncomfortable”. You can also model this by speaking up for yourself when you are in a situation that you’re not okay with.
Fortunately, with some work, it is possible to unlearn what we are taught when we are young. Dr. Nicola LePera – The Holistic Psychologist – explains, “It’s not our role to get approval from other people around us. Our role is to understand and connect to our emotions, to understand and clearly express our needs, to place boundaries or limits to keep ourselves safe, and to fully express ourselves.”
1 – Recognize your emotional limits
2 – Know your needs
3 – Place Boundaries
4 – Accept you aren’t for everyone
Click HERE to learn more about each
(Facebook. LePera, Dr. Nicole [The Holistic Psychologist]. Unlearning Good Girl Conditioning. Facebook, November 2, 2022, https://www.facebook.com/the.holistic.psychologist/posts/so-many-of-you-resonated-with-my-last-post-on-good-girl-conditioning-i-decided-t/423162276687562/)
Unlearning means accepting that it’s okay to upset other people when you are honoring your boundaries, that doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you human. You have needs just like everyone else and what you need or want in your life is just as important as the needs of others.
Unlearning means expecting other people to have boundaries about what they will and will not accept and giving yourself permission to have your own boundaries as well. Everyone will encounter people that don’t like them or that they just don’t mesh with, this is totally normal and does not determine anyone’s worth as a person.
As adults, we want to strive to be mindful of our words and the messages we are sending to young girls. We want to raise girls that are emotionally intelligent and do not fear expressing their emotions skillfully or allowing others to experience their emotions.. It’s important to teach them to voice their needs and how to deal with conflict in a positive way while advocating for themselves.
This is a big parenting technique that has been taught for decades about how to deal with tantrums and big feelings: just ignore them. And, if we’re being honest, it makes sense coming from a behavioral perspective – reinforce behaviors you want to see more …