Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
Couples come to us saying they want to work on their communication issues. But most of the time, couples actually agree. Or actually can understand each other. So what’s the problem? It’s actually that you guys are saying the same thing, but in two different …
Most of us strive to be understanding with others, especially the people in our lives that we care about. But sometimes, without realizing it, we can begin to enable dysfunctional behaviors, when all we intended to do was help someone. So let’s talk about the …
It’s very common to hear stories about people with romantic infatuations but they are not always rooted in love. Instead of it being love, it could be limerence. But what is limerence and when would a person need to seek help for it? Let’s break it down.
Limerence is defined as:
“…a state of romantic infatuation, and a condition that can be hard to discern as it presents in a very similar expression to falling in love. In reality, it’s a multi-stage process of projecting unmet needs onto another person. One that’s rooted in trauma often related to the relationship between primary caregivers in childhood which results in developmental issues, manifesting as insecure attachment styles.”
A person who is a limerent will have an obsession with someone who becomes their limerent object. The obsession might look like: having constant thoughts about the person, an intense longing and overwhelming emotions related to them, idolize them, thinking they can do nothing wrong.
It’s true that sometimes limerence can be confused with love, especially for the person experiencing limerence. On the surface it can look like the extreme feelings or expressions are rooted in love. However, when someone loves another person they truly want the person to be happy. There is concern for their feelings and well-being. And, if you are experiencing limerence, you might genuinely feel like that’s true… however, if you look a little deeper,
“….limerant behaviours come from a place of anxiety, rather than wanting the best for the other person.”
It might feel like you need this person in order to be whole or complete. Or that this person’s affection fulfill all your needs. It’s similar to what a drug addiction is like.
When a person’s needs are not adequately met in childhood an anxious attachment style can develop, which could lead to limerence. Growing up with a fear of rejection and/or abandonment triggers a longing to be loved.
It’s a good idea to get support when limerence starts to disrupt your life. That might look like: starting to abandon other relationships, hobbies and even important activities such as work, relying on the limerent object for your happiness, becoming distressed when you do not receive their attention, which can lead to depression and making poor decisions.
If you are experiencing limerence, this is a great opportunity to do some healing work because attachment wounds are showing up and when these things show up, it makes them more accessible for healing. Becoming self-aware and building self-esteem will help you not base you worth on being loved by others.Talking with a therapist can help you determine if they have developed an unhealthy attachment style and how to work through that. Contact us, we’re here to help.
Emotional neglect can have a significant effect on a person’s life. The neglect may occur in childhood, however, the emotional and psychological impact can last for a very long time and show up in a variety of ways; especially because neglect isn’t always obvious. You …
Are you the person everyone goes to to talk about their issues? Do people start telling you their life story out of nowhere? If you’re that person, you probably have natural gifts that help you be empathetic + supportive. But you might also experience a …
Do you have trouble saying no? Do you constantly worry what people think about you and you find yourself apologizing frequently? Do you avoid confrontation and feel responsible for other people’s feelings? If you struggle with any of these things then you may be a people pleaser.
Let’s get to the bottom of what it is and why you do it.
Merriam Webster defines a people pleaser as a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.
It’s common for people to want others to like them and to desire to make others happy, however, people pleasing behavior takes this to the extreme.
“A desire to please people can manifest in many ways. A person may find it hard to say no to requests, regularly take on extra work, even if they do not have the time, often over commit to plans, responsibilities, or projects, or avoid advocating for their own needs, such as by saying they are fine when they are not.” (Villines, Zawn. “People pleaser: What it means and how to stop”. Medical News Today. March 1, 2023. www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/people-pleaser#signs.)
People pleasers put the needs of others above their own to the point that they can become depressed and resentful.
Maybe you grew up in a culture that elevates selflessness and shames those who do things for their own enjoyment or to make themselves happy. If you grew up thinking other people always come first and you are not important, then naturally you will be conditioned to people please as an adult.
If you experienced relationship issues within your family where your parents’ love and affection was conditional, then you grew up thinking it’s normal to have to “earn” love. This can lead to becoming a people pleaser because the behavior modeled for you as a child was that love is only given when you do something for someone else.
Low self-esteem can also lead to people pleasing. If you feel like you are worth less than other people then you may not speak up for yourself and show concern for yourself. You may feel like helping others gives you purpose. If helping others makes you feel important it can be an emotional boost that you start to depend on to feel good about yourself.
People pleasing can have negative effects on you and others around you. If you are constantly trying to please others then you are probably not taking care of your own needs. This can lead to stress, anxiety or even medical issues.
If you are constantly trying to keep up and make sure others like you and are getting their needs met, you will eventually become physically, mentally and/or emotionally exhausted. It just becomes too much to handle and you will not have the energy you need to take care of your personal needs or stay focused at work or other activities.
Another way it works against you is by creating relationship problems. You may become resentful of people close to you because you feel like you are contributing more to the relationship, even though you are doing it on your own, not because they have asked you to.
An important first step to reduce your people pleasing behaviors is to take a look at where these behaviors came from and how they have been linked you surviving in the world.
It’s important to know that this is a strategy that has worked and makes sense, but you’re ready to move beyond it so your relationships with yourself and others can be healthier.
It will take practice to rewire these patterns. Start just noticing where you overextend yourself for others. Watch it happen, then you can consider afterward: how could I have responded differently or handle it differently. Start to build awareness and open up possibilities as to different ways you can respond that would honor you and the person you’re relating to.
Then take a chance and try it. Sometimes responding to someone via email or text to test out new ways of responding is helpful because it gives you a minute to think and gather your courage.
See what comes up: do you sweat? get nervous about what the other person will say? Do you worry they won’t be happy with you? Breathe with those worries and remind yourself you are safe. Tiny steps.
If you know that you do this, but you just don’t know how to stop, contact us, we can help!
What is hyper-independence? It can be a coping mechanism that you develop as a result of not having your needs met early in life or when you experience interpersonal trauma. You may feel the need to do things yourself and won’t ask for help because …
Hard conversations make everyone sweat a little. Especially if there weren’t great examples for how to handle hard conversations growing up. So, because they’re unpleasant, it’s tempting to try and avoid them. But ultimately, sometimes not having the conversation requires more work than actually having …
I’m sure you’ve had the experience in your life of wishing someone would change. It can bring up a lot of anger and conflict. Maybe you’ve even felt powerless to change things for yourself. There are lots of reasons people don’t change.
Let’s talk about a few to open up space and realize that other people not changing is not about whether or not they love you and the reason you don’t change isn’t as simple as “they don’t have the willpower”.
Licensed psychotherapist, Whitney Goodman (@sitwithwhit), shares eleven reasons why a person why change, here are three that we think are the most common:
Change is hard. If you don’t have resources to help you understand what you need to change and how you can do it, or someone to support you when you are going through the process, then change is even harder.
It’s helpful to start with getting to the root cause of why you think and behave the way they do. Getting to the root cause usually requires assistance from a professional. And, sometimes people don’t think therapy is for them, are skeptical of its value or are unsure if it will actually help.
A therapist works with you to identify what is contributing to your thought patterns and what your triggers are. “Before attempting to change what you think it’s a bad habit, it’s important to understand why you do it. This will help you sustain the change.” (“Can Someone Really Change their Behaviors, Traits, and Habits?”. psychcentral.com. September 26, 2022. www.psychcentral.com/blog/can-people-really-change)
In addition to tapping into professional resources, it’s important to have support from people in your life. Having someone who will listen to you, encourage you and give you feedback will be like having a safety net to keep you from hitting the ground and giving up when it gets hard. And, if someone doesn’t want to share that they are in therapy or their loved ones wouldn’t support that, it makes accessing that resource even more difficult.
Knowing you have people in your corner who will be there for you no matter what, can give you the courage to change. Without that support you may always be afraid to go all in and commit to change.
When you get used to something it becomes normal and comforting. Changing your normal, whether it’s your environment, your thinking patterns or your behavior, comes with uncertainty because you don’t know what effect that change will have. And with uncertainty comes fear.
We tend to prefer a predictable outcome that is negative over an uncertain outcome.
“Our fear of change is based on stories—both real and the imagined ones we tell ourselves.” (Razzetti, Gustavo. “How to Overcome the Fear of Change”. psychologytoday.com. September 18,2018. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-adaptive-mind/201809/how-overcome-the-fear-change)
It’s easy to speculate and convince yourself that you have no control and that there is something to fear on the other side of the changes you are making. There can also be pressure to be perfect and without knowing exactly what the end result will be, you may be afraid that you will make a mistake or make things worse than they are.
Even if your behavior is negative and causing problems, it may be true that you are getting something out of it so you don’t want to change. For example, lashing out at others may make you feel safe because you are keeping them at arms length and not allowing them to get close enough to hurt you. Therefore, you are getting something out of your negative behavior: you are protecting yourself.
This may mean you kinda like the way things are and are content to just keep doing what you are doing. “…the individual may not realize there’s a need for change. Maybe they lack the insight to understand how the behavior or attitude is affecting their lives.” (“Can Someone Really Change their Behaviors, Traits, and Habits?”. psychcentral.com. September 26, 2022. www.psychcentral.com/blog/can-people-really-change).
Once you start to realize the negative impact that your thoughts or behaviors are having on your relationships or your life in general, you may no longer be content and be motivated to change.
People can change but just because they can doesn’t mean they will. Even when someone wants to change their behaviors and they attempt to do so, it’s very easy to slip back into old habits.
It’s only recently that emotional maturity has been the focus of attention and this is great news. Emotional immaturity has been the cause of so much distress in our lives and relationships and now we are learning to do better. The operative word is learning! …