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Sometimes people do things that get under your skin and they usually aren’t doing them because they’re rude or annoying. More than likely it’s because they are responding to something intense in their internal world. Of course, it might annoy you and push your buttons, …
Have you heard someone say that a person is emotionally unavailable? Or maybe they have said that they are emotionally unavailable. This is a term that gets used a lot on social media so we thought we’d take a moment to clear it up and …
A few months ago, my father gave me a book he found in his grandfather’s library. My great grandfather was ahead of his time; he was into spirituality, health food and meditation. When I opened this book, I understood where so much toxic positivity had come from in my family.
Being positive or focusing on positivity comes from a noble place. However, there is this sense of avoiding or dismissing the wholeness of our human experience that can come from solely focusing on the positive. What we know now is that wholeness, presence and authenticity is healthier than blanket positivity, “mind over matter” and perfectionism. We will all have experiences in our lives, they will not go away by simply staying positive.
It’s normal to feel uncomfortable when negative emotions come up. Those feelings are real and you will experience them, not just once or twice, but throughout your life.
If you continuously dismiss those negative emotions and don’t deal with them (because you think keeping a positive mindset is the solution), you might be falling into the trap of toxic positivity.
“Toxic positivity takes positive thinking to an overgeneralized extreme. This attitude doesn’t just stress the importance of optimism, it minimizes and denies any trace of human emotions that aren’t strictly happy or positive.” (Verywellmind.com | What is Toxic Positivity? | Kendra Cherry, February 1, 2021, https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-toxic-positivity-5093958)
Sometimes people will encourage you to just stay positive because they don’t know what else to say or how to comfort you. They may say things like ‘look on the bright side’’ or ‘it could be worse’. But saying those things can lead to feelings of being dismissed or invalidated. We talk about the effects of invalidation HERE.
As topics around mindset and the popularity of the ‘good vibes only’ attitude have grown through social media, it’s become trendy to be positive at all costs, in all circumstances. Although having a positive mindset can be beneficial, it doesn’t mean that negative emotions should be dismissed and not felt. It’s okay to experience emotions that are not positive.
Our goal, for dealing with our own negative emotions and situations, should be to manage them instead of avoiding or dismissing them. Yes, It’s important to have a positive outlook on life. And, if you avoid all emotions that are not positive, you foreclose on the ability to grow and learn from the negative experiences that can truly build you into a well-rounded individual.
So we want to develop healthy, supportive ways to approach negative emotions with ourselves and with others.
“Empathy is an essential element in any relationship, and we need to meet people where they are in terms of their emotions.” (PositivePsychology.com | Toxic Positivity in Psychology: How to Avoid the Positivity Trap | Tiffany Sauber Millacci, Ph.D., April 13, 2021, https://positivepsychology.com/toxic-positivity-in-psychology/)
None of these statements dismiss the negative emotions, they acknowledge them and show empathy.
It’s okay to feel your feelings because even negative emotions have a purpose. You can use them in a way that is productive to learn, grow and improve yourself.
It’s almost second nature to say some of the toxic positivity statements when someone you love is struggling.
We have to remember that this is deeply ingrained in us and in the people in our life. These statements are coming from a caring place.
Sometimes there is also the tendency to hide or shield others from the hard emotions we have; we try to keep it all in and not burden those we love with our struggles. It’s Ok to share those emotions in the places you feel safe, so that you can receive support and feel connected. Connection helps regulate emotions and your nervous system.
But we can do better. Not only by remembering to bring presence, validation and encouragement that does not dismiss hardship, but by sharing with others when we need them to shift their way of supporting us as well.
We can say: “I really feel supported most when you acknowledge how I feel and tell me you trust me to handle the challenge” or “I really feel supported when you listen and just say: I can see how hard this is right now”.
When you give others this insight into how they can support you, and also ask them what makes them feel supported, you are building the foundation of a relationship where you effectively support each other.
Gaslighting is a term that has been thrown around a lot on social media lately. But most people don’t really even know what it is or how it compares to other behaviors, so let’s clear things up a little bit. Let’s start by defining gaslighting. …
How many times have you been in a conversation with a well meaning loved one and you were told something like “don’t cry”, “don’t worry”, “at least xyz didn’t happen” or “you know what you should do….”? What happened next? Did you feel heard? Did …
A few weeks ago, we talked about how important it is to consider the possibility that what other people do is not always about you. People are responding to you in accordance to their own past, their own assumptions and their own tendencies. This is helpful to consider because it helps with not taking things so personally.
Yes, other people can trigger a feeling or bring about a response from you This is because whatever other people do or don’t do is received through your own lens of your past experiences, assumptions and tendencies.
Here’s an interesting way to think about this: psychoanalyst Carl Jung proposed that all the people in our dreams, when we dream, are simply representations or aspects of our own self.
Now, think about that in terms of your waking life. People in your life bring about or activate different parts of you, which creates your response.
Let’s say you find yourself getting frustrated with your boss. Turns out, upon reflection, the way interactions feel with your boss actually feel a lot like interactions with your mother.
So, the way you react to your boss has more to do with you and your experiences. In essence, how you react has more to do with you than your boss. Your boss is simply triggering a dynamic or experience.
…you could say that experience is happening to bring up this dynamic in current life so you can learn from it, learn how to do things differently or get a new perspective on why interactions with your mom felt that way.
See how this makes for a different experience? Instead of getting overly focused on your boss and what they are doing or not doing, you can focus on what you can learn about yourself and your relationship with your mom.
Your irritation has to do with you and the fact that you are in a time crunch, not the person in front of you trying to look for an address.
See how these things can happen in the very simple and short interactions as well as in the more complex and ongoing interactions?
Realizing that releases you from blaming yourself or others. It also alleviates a lot of unnecessary emotional pain from thinking that other are responsible for how you feel and what you experience. That leaves other people holding the power, not you.
Don Miguel Ruiz has good reason for including “Don’t take anything personally” in his Four Agreements. What others do or don’t do is rarely personal. And, the way you respond or react has relatively little to do with others.
This comes up a lot. I get that it is confusing. How can an interaction between two people not be personal? Meaning, how can you not take what someone does or says personally??? Well, it FEELS personal. Of course. The things is, most of what …
There are so many reasons. And, so often we take it personally when someone doesn’t share. We think it means something about us. Well, sometimes that is true. Very often, it isn’t. We’ll talk about both sides. When it is not about you: There are …
Until I trained as a therapist, I never intentionally paid attention to what happens in the process of communicating with someone. Communication just happened.
As I learned what process vs content meant, I realized how much information is embedded in the actual process of communication. I spend time with clients in session often helping them refocus on the process instead of focusing so much on the content.
The process is what is happening in a conversation between the two people. Like the overall dynamic. Are two people listening to one another and being attentive to what is being said? Is someone getting defensive, being loving, trying to manipulate?
The content is literally the details of the words being said.
So, think about two people fighting over dishes being in the sink. Whose dishes they are and how long they have been there is the content of the conversation. We get so easily drawn into the content as human beings because it feels like we can argue these points concretely and this is where we are taught to focus. But as we argue about these details, we are literally getting nowhere.
The deeper level (the process) of what is happening in the conversation is how that communication is going down. Is someone getting angry or getting defensive? Is someone asking for help in a loving way? Is this conversation actually about something else that is happening in the relationship, but its easier to talk about the dishes?
See what I mean? There is so much more information in the process. If we can see into that level of the conversation, we can actually get somewhere.
How often are you left upset about an interaction when what someone else did or said has really very little to do with you? Wasted time and energy, friend.
Remember the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz? One of them is Don’t Take Anything Personally. There’s a reason for that.
For example, your partner may have had another experience of someone not doing the dishes before or not feeling supported or feeling like they have to do all the things, so they are triggered and communicating through that lens.
Or, the communication in their own household growing up was critical and so they see things and communicate through that lens.
Or they have a job that is centered around attention to detail so they notice when things are out of place more.
Or, they have always been criticized for leaving things undone because they get distracted easily and they are defensive when people point out shortcomings that result from that distractibility.
Notice how none of that has to really do with you or the dishes?
When you pay attention the process, you start being able to separate out what is about you in the conversation and what is about them.
Once you sort out what you are contributing to the issue, you can actually do something about that. Because that part IS about you. And you have control over you.
What is about you in the conversation might be that you are being reactive to your partner’s stuff because you are taking it personally. You have control over that when you start to see beyond the content and into the process.
Your part might be that you are not being mindful about the dishes. You can work on that. The other person’s part might be that they are not feeling supported, that could be part of how they always feel because its hard to ask for and actually receive help. No amount of dishes you do will fix that. There will be something else you are not doing sooner or later. Or vice versa.
What if the reason you are not being mindful about the dishes is because you are overwhelmed and your stress levels are too high? That’s probably impacting more than the dishes. It is impacting your health and your ability to be present in the important relationships in your life.
Maybe it is time to focus on stress management and get into communication with your partner about the fact that you might need a little bit of leeway until you get this under control. If you ask for leeway or support, make sure you are actively *doing your work* to address the issue you are asking for leeway to handle.
When you first pay attention to this level of the conversation, you might only catch it after the fact. Unless you are in therapy with a therapist having this conversation in a couples therapy or family therapy session. It’s OK to realize after the fact, that’s the first step. Keep practicing.
When you are in conversations with your loved ones, start to notice what’s happening as it’s happening. “Oh, I’m getting defensive” or “wow, they are getting defensive”.
If someone is getting defensive, that is because they feel threatened. Check if you are saying something critical, are you creating a threat? If not, maybe their defensiveness is not about what you are doing in the moment.
If it’s not about you, you don’t have to continue in the conversation. Find a way to wrap it up and give a little space.
If it’s important, talk about it later. Ask if you inadvertently said something that bothered your person. They might say no because they are not used to talking or reflecting on this level. That’s totally fine, you are building trust and creating space for a deeper level of communication. It doesn’t happen over night!
So keep paying attention, making comments about what is happening in the process (“I’m noticing that I’m getting worked up”) and saying reflective things about conversations after the fact. They can be nice and encouraging process comments too like “I felt really good when you said xyz”. The goal is to be building up that safe space so that you both can start to focus on process vs. content.
Not everyone is convinced that feelings are important. I get that. If you are one of those people who is not totally convinced that feelings are that big a deal, this is for you. I explain it this way often to my clients… How hard …