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It’s only recently that emotional maturity has been the focus of attention and this is great news. Emotional immaturity has been the cause of so much distress in our lives and relationships and now we are learning to do better. The operative word is learning! …
Throughout your life you will connect with people you encounter at school, work, and in your personal life. As you develop relationships with different people you will need to utilize a variety of skills to maintain positive, healthy relationships that make life more enjoyable. In …
There’s a lot of information out there about abandonment issues, but what about self abandonment? And why is self abandonment a problem?
Abandonment issues are essentially the fear of being left. Usually because an important figure was not present when you were young. The way this shows up is through having an anxious attachment. See our previous post about this HERE.
However, self-abandonment is a little different than having general abandonment issues so let’s break it down for easier understanding.
Self-abandonment is basically when you disregard or neglect your own needs, wants or feelings. Maybe you feel like you don’t really matter or maybe you think other people are more important so you put their needs above yours.
“Self-abandonment can take on the form of ignoring, or not trusting, our deepest instincts. This can look like dismissing gut feelings, constantly deferring to others to make the ‘right’ decisions, and second-guessing everything we do.” (Ahmed, Sarah. “Everything you Need to Know about Self-Abandonment”. Well Nest. April 8, 2021. https://www.wellnest.ca/post/here-is-why-you-self-abandon)
There are lots of other ways that self-abandonment can present for individuals, like hiding who you really are or how you feel about certain things, constantly blaming yourself or judging yourself harshly, or always focusing on pleasing others even if it’s at your own expense.
This behavior is usually learned in childhood as a result of emotional neglect because skills on how to take care of yourself and manage emotions in a positive way are not developed. Fortunately, this behavior can be unlearned and you can develop skills to deal with difficult emotions at any age or stage in life. (Gigante, Amanda. “What is Self-Abandonment”. The Center for Growth. https://www.thecenterforgrowth.com/tips/what-is-self-abandonment)
Self-abandonment can result in low self-esteem. If you dismiss your own feelings on a regular basis then you are not valuing your opinion or prioritizing what is important to you which can make you feel like you don’t matter and are not worthy of love or attention.
Another result of this behavior can be turning to unhealthy coping habits.
“Self-abandonment can lead to addictive behavior like over-using substances, or spending hours “zoning out” on social media. If we feel an unbearable emotion and we don’t have the resources to manage it, we might grab for something to dull the pain.” (Gigante, Amanda. “What is Self-Abandonment”. The Center for Growth. https://www.thecenterforgrowth.com/tips/what-is-self-abandonment)
Coping in this way will keep you from truly handling problems that you are experiencing so you can move forward.
Self-abandonment can also prevent you from developing deep, meaningful relationships with others. If you are always trying to please your partner, friend, co-worker, etc. the relationship will be one sided and remain at surface level. In order to have a healthy relationship with someone you have to get to know one another for who they really are and they will never get to know you if you are hiding how you really feel or what you really want.
Self-love is the opposite of self-abandonment and learning to love yourself will help you heal.
First, it’s important to acknowledge that your feelings and needs are just as important as the feelings and needs of others. It’s not selfish to love and take care of yourself, actually it’s necessary!
You can build on this by learning to allow your emotions, learning to set boundaries that honor your peace and learning to speak up or advocate for yourself.
These things are not easy, especially in the beginning. And, they are essential to honoring yourself. These are some basic skills we teach in therapy. And, it’s helpful to work with a therapist so that you can see and work through what gets in the way of being able to honor yourself. (Menjivar, Jackie. “What is self-abandonment? STOP PUTTING EVERYONE ELSE’S NEEDS BEFORE YOUR OWN”. I Don’t Mind. August 19, 2022. https://idontmind.com/journal/what-is-self-abandonment)
Learning to take care of yourself by placing value on how you feel and what is important to you may take some practice. If you need help working through self-abandoning behaviors, contact us, we are here to help.
One of the most important things to understand in relationships is your attachment style. It demystifies so much. When you don’t know your attachment style, things you do and feel in your relationships either feel very personal about your partner or about yourself. For example: …
Fighting in relationships is inevitable and, actually, important. The couples I worry about most are the ones that don’t fight. Because it means it’s harder to get to what’s really going on. Fighting can be what comes before a new level of intimacy, a step …
Asking a child to be “good” or telling them to be “good” slips out so easily. It’s just so ingrained in us to use these words, and the truth is they are words that carry some really strong conditioning that we don’t even know is being transmitted. Being “good” essentially means “well behaved” or “doing things right”. When you stop to really reflect on that, what’s “good” and “right” is changing, isn’t it?
Sometimes families come to therapy worried that their little girls don’t speak up for themselves, or engage in people pleasing behavior and worry that they will succumb to peer pressure when they’re older. Or that their little girls are anxious or depressed. Oftentimes that comes from trying to “be good” and they are rewarded for “behaving”.
So let’s talk about what Good Girl Conditioning looks like and find some ways we can take a more conscious approach.
Lots of young girls are taught to always be polite and considerate of other people’s feelings, even if it compromises their own feelings or happiness. This leads to them seeking perfection and saying yes to things they really don’t agree with or want to do.
When we are girls we are taught that being good means to “never show our anger, allow people to violate our boundaries, and to hide our own needs to please others”. Unfortunately, if that is what it takes to be ‘good’ then that means “we aren’t able to say we’re uncomfortable, tell someone ‘no’ (set a boundary), or express how we truly feel”. (LePera, Nicole [@the.holistic.psychologist]. “Good Girl Conditioning” Instagram, October 21, 2022, https://www.instagram.com/p/CkZclKKvbWS/)
When girls, and eventually women, subscribe to this way of thinking then they end up always trying to do what it takes to be liked or be what everyone wants her to be, instead of being her true self.
“Research suggests this gender bias starts early in childhood. Girls are more emotionally mature and better behaved, and hence they take their parents’ “please be good” guidance on board from an earlier age.” (Schrader, Jessica. “5 Ways to Stop Being the Good Girl and Start Getting Stronger.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 21 Feb. 2018, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-path-passionate-happiness/201802/5-ways-stop-being-the-good-girl-and-start-getting-stronger.)
This continues and girls feel a need to be “good” by getting the best grades in school, impressing their boss by doing more than their share at work or focusing on their outward appearance and being liked by everyone in the social scene.
Unfortunately, society actually encourages girls to put the needs of others before themselves and insinuates going along quietly and remaining loyal at all costs are the qualities that make them good so it’s our job to teach them differently.
If you’re raising girls, there are a couple of things you can do to teach your girls to be powerful, emotionally intelligent and know how to function in society.
First, you can teach basic emotional intelligence skills. These are the building blocks needed to create a solid foundation that ensures she knows how to handle emotions appropriately and not just try to be good. Learn more HERE about how to instill emotional maturity in your kids or visit this past blog post ‘An easy way to raise your child’s emotional intelligence’.
Second is clearly communicating that even if you’re angry, frustrated, irritated, everyone is OK and you love them. Let your children know that you are human and you will experience these emotions, and so will they. Feeling these emotions does not mean you don’t love them or that they need to be someone different than who they are. If a child thinks they can be “good” enough to stop you from experiencing these emotions they will never succeed and they will feel like it’s their fault.
Third is being objective about rules and expectations in different settings, rather than connecting following rules and expectations to whether they are a good or bad girl. For instance, at school there’s a rule that says you can’t wear costumes, so costumes are for when you are not at school. Or, school / public places are not appropriate settings for a certain behavior like touching themselves (yes, kids do and it doesn’t mean something is wrong) or screaming; that’s something to do when you have privacy, or you’re outside, etc.
Finally, teaching about how to communicate boundaries. It’s important for them to know how to speak up for themselves and that it’s okay to speak up for themselves. You can practice certain statements with them and give them examples of how to say things in a way that is respectful and not rude like “I don’t like that”, “no thank you”, “this is feeling uncomfortable”. You can also model this by speaking up for yourself when you are in a situation that you’re not okay with.
Fortunately, with some work, it is possible to unlearn what we are taught when we are young. Dr. Nicola LePera – The Holistic Psychologist – explains, “It’s not our role to get approval from other people around us. Our role is to understand and connect to our emotions, to understand and clearly express our needs, to place boundaries or limits to keep ourselves safe, and to fully express ourselves.”
1 – Recognize your emotional limits
2 – Know your needs
3 – Place Boundaries
4 – Accept you aren’t for everyone
Click HERE to learn more about each
(Facebook. LePera, Dr. Nicole [The Holistic Psychologist]. Unlearning Good Girl Conditioning. Facebook, November 2, 2022, https://www.facebook.com/the.holistic.psychologist/posts/so-many-of-you-resonated-with-my-last-post-on-good-girl-conditioning-i-decided-t/423162276687562/)
Unlearning means accepting that it’s okay to upset other people when you are honoring your boundaries, that doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you human. You have needs just like everyone else and what you need or want in your life is just as important as the needs of others.
Unlearning means expecting other people to have boundaries about what they will and will not accept and giving yourself permission to have your own boundaries as well. Everyone will encounter people that don’t like them or that they just don’t mesh with, this is totally normal and does not determine anyone’s worth as a person.
As adults, we want to strive to be mindful of our words and the messages we are sending to young girls. We want to raise girls that are emotionally intelligent and do not fear expressing their emotions skillfully or allowing others to experience their emotions.. It’s important to teach them to voice their needs and how to deal with conflict in a positive way while advocating for themselves.
Being physically drained and emotionally drained are not the same thing. Even though they can sometimes look similar. Why is it helpful to know if you’re emotionally drained? It can save you a fight and it can help you take better care of yourself because …
This is a big parenting technique that has been taught for decades about how to deal with tantrums and big feelings: just ignore them. And, if we’re being honest, it makes sense coming from a behavioral perspective – reinforce behaviors you want to see more …
There’s a lot more information about trauma out there on social media now, which is great because it elevates collective awareness around trauma and how it impacts our daily lives.
You’ve probably heard of flight or flight as responses to trauma triggers, but you may not have heard so much about what the “fawn” response is, and we want to shed some light on that here.
“A trauma response is the reflexive use of over-adaptive coping mechanisms in the real or perceived presence of a trauma event…” (mindbodygreen.com | mbghealth | Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn: Examining The 4 Trauma Responses; Julie Nguyen, Kristina Hallett, September 11, 2021)
If you experience something that your body feels is unsafe your brain will activate a response to keep you safe. It’s like an alarm is set off when the trauma occurs and then you are triggered to silence the alarm.
Sometimes the experience may not be life threatening or a really big event, like a death or war, smaller events can also be linked to trauma. These events, though smaller, can still be overwhelming and cause stress. There is a range of what trauma can look like and it doesn’t have to be huge to impact you in a significant way.
“Trauma affects you differently depending on whether you have experienced it once, repeatedly, or over the course of time.” (University of Maryland Medical System | Trauma Response: Understanding How Trauma Affects Everyone Differently)
The four types of trauma responses are: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn. You have probably heard of the first three; fight is when you take action in some way to address the trauma, flight is when you avoid or run away from the problem and/or others, freeze is when you can’t do anything, almost like a play dead response…but what about that last one, fawn? Let’s take a look at what the fawn response is.
Most of us want others to like us and be happy. But if you are always going over and beyond to appease people and ignore your own needs then you could be exhibiting a fawn response.
“Fawning is a trauma response where a person develops people-pleasing behaviors to avoid conflict and to establish a sense of safety.” (charliehealth.com | Is Fawning a Trauma Response? What You Need to Know | Charlie Health Editorial Team)
Some patterns associated with people who exhibit this trauma response include being overly agreeable, afraid to say no and being disconnected from their own needs due to always prioritizing the needs of others. The trauma they have experienced has led them to believe that they have to go with the flow in order to stay safe; they cannot say no because that will lead to a place or circumstance that is unsafe for them. (Peters, Jen | @jenpeters_soulguide_healer)
This is common in trauma survivors as they will try to please their abusers so that they hopefully can avoid more abuse. It can also be present for people in toxic or high-conflict relationships because they want to keep peace and not have to deal with conflict; they would rather just do whatever they can to make the other person happy.
The fawn response is a coping mechanism that you may feel is essential for survival or your only chance at living in peace. Unfortunately, fawning can lead to losing yourself. If you are constantly tending to the needs of others and putting them and their well-being first; you start to abandon yourself, which will eventually diminish your self-worth along with other challenges that impact your life.
Once you realize that a fawn response is what you are dealing with, it’s helpful to take steps to start to get to know your boundaries. Don’t judge yourself, instead acknowledge that your trauma response was your way of coping and surviving. (Amjad, Amna | @sonder.therapy) There are some helpful posts on boundaries here and here.
It’s a process and you can start by assessing your personal values so you can determine what is important to you and the people you want in your life.
You will also have to learn to be comfortable with other people not liking you or not always being happy with you. Again, this is a process. Therapy is a helpful tool because you have the support from a trained professional to help you identify and hold the boundaries
This includes tolerating and/or communicating through the discomfort that comes with other people’s responses. Remember, that is a trauma trigger: other people’s responses to what you imagine or what they actually don’t like. So your mind will send up the flares saying that something is definitely wrong as you go through the process of healing the fawn response. It takes practice and may require professional support. Doing this practice and getting support has the potential to rebalance your relationships, break generational patterns and lead to tremendously improved health on so many levels.
“Feelings are meant to be felt, and if we keep attempting to extinguish our own emotions, we are actively fighting and denying what makes us human.” (healthline.com |People-Pleaser? Here Are 5 Ways to Unlearn Your ‘Fawn’ Response; Sam Dylan Finch)
Keep in mind, we are human beings raised by human beings, we’re going to have some adverse experiences. The point of understanding trauma and our natural responses is to not villainize the people who raised you; they did the best they could with the knowledge, resources and capabilities they had.
It’s never too early to begin laying the foundation for emotional maturity. Kids will take on what you, as the parent, create as the norm. I recently witnessed a two year old take a full body breath after she started whining, when her mom guided …