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The holidays are approaching and it can be one of the most activating times of year. You already know you can’t control what Uncle Joe says at the Thanksgiving table or what your mom says about your partner or your parenting. So how can you preserve your emotional wellbeing during family gatherings?
We would all like to pretend that everything will be all rainbows and butterflies at the family holiday gathering but the truth is there will probably be some moments of tension or times when you disagree. It’s not realistic to think that a family member who has gotten under your skin in the past won’t do it again this year, so be prepared for it. Go in with a positive attitude but know that there may be uncomfortable moments, and that’s okay.
“It is normal for there to be disagreements, differences in opinions, and emotional fluctuations within family units and family gatherings. Spend some time preparing by mentally allowing for imperfections to arise.”
Think about how you will respond and be ready with a plan (how you’d like to respond, if you’re going to step away, etc) so you don’t react impulsively, fly off the handle and say something you will regret. We love our family but we don’t always see eye to eye, especially on some of the sensitive topics like politics, religion, etc. This holiday season may also bring some new tension because of the election. Decide before you arrive how you want to handle it if that topic comes up.
The only thing you can control is your reaction, you can’t control what other people say or do. The easiest solution is to make a statement (maybe a boundary, maybe an acknowledgement like “I know you have strong opinions/feelings about that”), change the topic or walk away.
When you are observing, you are learning instead of reacting, and this can be a good strategy to use during the holidays with the family. Don’t isolate yourself or refuse to interact, but take some time to take in the environment and check the “vibe” instead of jumping right in and feeding into any negativity.
People communicate and interact differently sometimes in big groups, so a family member who is typically one way with you alone, could act another way when others are around. That’s not always a bad thing but it’s something to think about and make sure you don’t get caught off guard by.
Hopefully you and your family feel comfortable around each other and can speak freely during conversations. This is good but sometimes it can lead to you letting your guard down and getting your feelings hurt when a family member expresses their thoughts and it stepped on your toes; or their honest opinions could make you angry if they don’t align with yours. Sometimes just listening and observing is a good idea so you don’t get caught up in a disagreement.
The information you gather by observing will help you understand yourself “oh, that’s why I get uncomfortable around this person or this topic” or “wow, I never realized how anxious my mom is and how that makes me anxious”. These are great insights to bring to therapy.
Go into your family gatherings knowing what your boundaries are and don’t be afraid to maintain them.
If there are topics you are not willing to discuss at the family gathering because they are triggering, then set a boundary. You don’t have to announce this to everyone when you arrive, but if it comes up be prepared to say, “I don’t want to talk about that” and then change the topic. If they push the issue, ask them to respect your wishes and if they don’t, then walk away.
A good boundary to have for yourself is to limit alcohol. Too much alcohol consumption can lead to poor judgment and then you may say or do things that you typically wouldn’t do. A lot of confrontations can be avoided if alcohol is removed from the equation. You may not be able to keep others from drinking too much but you can control how much you drink.
Time boundaries can also be important and helpful to maintain your well-being. If you have to leave at a certain time, don’t let your family guilt you into staying longer. If the gathering does become tense and you realize your emotional well-being is deteriorating, don’t force yourself to stay. Leave before you get to a point that the situation turns into a bad one.
Family time is awesome but it can also be stressful. If you prepare yourself and go into your family gatherings with a plan for how to take care of yourself and deal with any stress that arises, you can make the most of the time you have together.
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Holidays can be a fun time, but they can also be stressful, not just for you, but for your kids!
Let’s talk about some ways you can support your kids during the holidays so that the stress is not overwhelming to them or you.
Things get kind of hectic during the holidays: there are events to attend, changes in routines, and people around that your kids may not typically see the rest of the year. Communicating with your kids about these things ahead of time will help ease any anxieties they may have.
One way to share information with them is by creating a calendar with the events and activities you have scheduled and hang it on the fridge, or another central location. This way they can look at it to see what’s coming up and be prepared. If you have younger kids who cannot read, you can use pictures instead of text (or a combination of both).
Talk to them about who may be at these events, how long they will last and your behavior expectations. For instance if it’s a fun, relaxed activity let them know they’ll get to dress in comfy clothes and it’s okay for them to run around and play. If it’s a serious event (like a church service), explain that they may have to dress up a little and remind them that the expectation is to sit still and be quiet.
Talk to them about who will be there so they are prepared. Will it be mostly adults? Will other kids be there? Will they know everyone there or will there be some people they don’t know?
Sometimes it’s not necessarily the event that stresses kids out but just the uncertainty about what it’s all about and getting there and realizing it’s much different than what they thought it would be. Ease that stress by giving them info up front in ways that are developmentally appropriate for them.
It is definitely hard to keep a consistent routine for your kids during the holidays. Whether you typically have a strict routine or a more relaxed one, more than likely you have some constants when it comes to how you do things and the times they are done.
It can be exciting for kids to get to break the routine a little during the holidays, like staying up late to watch a Christmas movie or getting to eat extra sweets or snacks. But if you go too far off of their regular routine it can really throw them off and create stress, which could lead to them not feeling well or to behavior problems.
Try not to be so rigid that you miss out on opportunities to have some fun as a family but remember that consistency and routines can be comforting to kids so keep some constants in your schedule.
As a parent you may feel like you have to do everything yourself which can lead to you not only feeling burnt out but also ignoring your kids, making them feel left out. Getting your kids involved can make them feel important because they get to be a part of what you are doing and spend time with you.
Depending on the ages of your kids, you can give them tasks to help out with like wrapping presents, decorating, helping in the kitchen, etc.
Our instinct is to just do these things ourselves because we know we can get them done quickly. Having your kids help out means it will more than likely take a little longer because you have to supervise them closely, but the time you get to spend together will produce memories that you may not have created if you had not let them help out.
Getting your kids involved can help you create traditions that they can look forward to every year. Completing certain tasks like decorating the tree or helping bake cookies will become associated with family time and fun memories. In turn, the opportunity to help out will help reduce their level of stress when the busyness of the holidays starts to kick in.
Also, this helps them build skills along the way that will help them in other areas of life, which raises their confidence.
If you see that your kids are getting extra cranky or acting out during the holiday season, take a step back and see how you can adjust your schedule or slow down and spend more time with them so they don’t feel stressed out or overwhelmed. Making sure your kids feel supported and enjoy the special moments during this time of the year is what’s most important.
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What is hyper-independence?
It can be a coping mechanism that you develop as a result of not having your needs met early in life or when you experience interpersonal trauma. You may feel the need to do things yourself and won’t ask for help because you have learned that it’s not safe to depend on others. Being fiercely independent can be an incredible strength and sometimes there is some pain behind it.
So let’s take a moment to shed some light on it.
Hyper-independence reduces co-dependence. Co-dependence is where you do not focus on your own well-being and instead you are consumed with making sure someone else is happy and safe. Similar to hyper-independence, co-dependence can develop in response to trauma. Hyper-independence is the opposite of codependence so it will make you strong and self-reliant, not looking to others to determine your worth or happiness.
Being hyper independent means you can, and you will, take care of yourself. More than likely you will work hard, accomplish tasks and maintain a lifestyle that is goal-oriented and safe. As a result of feeling like you could not trust others to look out for you, you go above and beyond in your efforts to look out for yourself.
It can be helpful in situations to know that you can get things done and you won’t fall apart if you have to get something done on your own.
But you may start to experience burnout and the pain from your past can start to come to the surface.
The pain that triggers hyper-independence as a trauma response can come from being let down too many times, your trust being betrayed, having to figure out everything on your own in early life, experiencing rejection or abandonment in early life, not feeling like you had anyone to rely on, or needing to be the rock in your family at a young age.
If you have experienced any of this you may feel like being vulnerable or relying on other people will potentially open the door to that pain again and you want to protect yourself from that.
“…hyper-independence is an ingrained emotional response to traumatic events. It’s a form of protective armor to guard against further harm and disappointment.” (“What is Hyper-Indepdence Trauma in Young Adults?” Newport Institute. January 18, 2023. www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/hyper-independence-trauma)
Hyper-independence can have a negative impact on your relationships including guardedness, secretiveness and mistrust. It’s hard to let your walls down and let someone get close to you.
Sometimes it’s tempting to keep secrets because sharing personal information is giving someone something that can be used against you and that feels scary. Because you have been hurt by someone who let you down in the past, it can be hard to trust a new person, even though they haven’t given you a reason not to trust them. (Marschall, Amy. “Hyper-Independence and Trauma: What’s the Connection?” Very Well Mind. September 19, 2022.. www.verywellmind.com/hyper-independence-and-trauma-5524773)
All types of relationships can be impacted, not just those with a significant other, such as those with friends and family; it can also affect professional relationships at work. “Hyper independence in a professional setting can be a self-destructive behavior that can set you up to fail long term, be excluded from projects and events, and have others view you in a negative way.” (Saxena, Silvi. “Hyper Independence & Trauma: The Connection & 7 Steps for Healing”. Choosing Therapy. August 10, 2022. www.choosingtherapy.com/hyper-independence-trauma/)
It’s important to remember that working through a trauma response is a process that will take time. It’s okay to take small steps because it can be difficult.
Work towards opening up to people who are safe in your life. Safe people show an ability and willingness to listen and be supportive. You can start by allowing them to help you at a pace that feels comfortable and safe. Make an effort to ask for help if you start to feel overwhelmed and remind yourself that this is not a sign of weakness. If someone offers to help you move something or pay, practice saying yes to the offer even if you don’t *need* it.
It’s also helpful to engage in self-care activities and find positive ways to cope with stress.
Therapy can be a good place to start because you can take it slow and work with a professional to identify what the underlying pain or trauma is that has led to you using hyper-independence to cope.
So although independence can be a positive trait, taking it to the extreme can wear you down and have a negative effect on your health and your life. Need help identifying why you have become a hyper-independent individual so that you can heal and start to let people in, feel supported and free to trust people in your life? Contact us, we can help you do the work to address the underlying pain and find ways to have more fulfilling relationships.
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