Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
How many fulfilling conversations are you having in a day? I know life is busy and it’s easy to slip into auto pilot, so that might even be a hard question to answer. You and everyone else you are talking with in your life, from …
Everyone is familiar with those acute moments when life feels unbearable. Because you feel incredibly overwhelmed. Because you feel so lost. Because it hurts more than you think you can handle. The good news is that level of intensity, what you feel in those exact …
Defenses are kind of tricky because they are usually employed without your conscious consent. They are part of the workings of the unconscious mind to protect you. That doesn’t mean you can’t see them. It just means they can be sneaky!
I wanted to write about this because I have been seeing it as a theme popping up in sessions and conversations in my life. Whenever there is a theme, I know it’s time to write about it.
This can be range from something pretty benign like ignoring someone because you are embarrassed to full blown bullying.
We know that bullying is rooted in protecting a vulnerability. That vulnerability is usually a sense of inferiority that was probably seeded from another bully in that person’s life. This is all an unconscious process. Which is why it is so good that bullying is being talked about more in the media and in schools. How it is being addressed is not perfect by any means. But it is at least the conversation is starting so these dynamics can be brought into conscious awareness.
Anyone could be on the receiving end, just like anyone can be on the giving end of this deal.
If you feel confused about an interaction, that’s a fantastic indicator that this may have happened.
If you feel guilty after an interaction and realize there is no reason you should feel guilty, that could be a signal as well. For example, someone accuses you of not liking them, but you have no problem with them. You feel bad for making them feel like you don’t like them. But, wait, you have no problem with them. There you are…on the receiving end of projection. When someone is using offense as defense.
Also, you are likely more prone to be on the receiving end of this when you are the kind of person who is more likely to blame yourself over others for something that went awry. If this is you, read more here.
You are not alone! Many people have the experience of these conflicting states at times and this Huffington Post article brings together what people have to say about it. I find it helpful when I know there are others who have similar experiences. And I …
Anna Pirkl, MFT, ATR, LAADAC, one of our One Heart therapists, partners with South Bay Families Connected to do outreach in the community on her own time, outside of her work with OHCC. South Bay Families Connected is a non-profit organization whose mission it is …
![What Does Self Care Actually Mean? [Hint: it’s not planning a vacation or getting organized]](https://i0.wp.com/www.oneheartcounselingcenter.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2019/05/Self-Care.jpg?fit=1111%2C845&ssl=1)
Buying something nice for yourself, planning a vacation, or getting organized can feel good. And you know there are times when those things barely scratch the surface of what you actually need.
These moments can even inconspicuous. You find yourself wanting a treat. You waste time doing non-sense because you are struggling to focus on what really needs your attention. You look for ways to get ego cookies. You are contacting all your friends to see who can hang out. You try to get some kind of validation from your partner or your kids. You find yourself binging every TV show you can find that is even mildly interesting. Your thoughts are racing or all over the place. You distract yourself thinking about how other people are not doing it right or caring about you enough.
These can be tiny moments that add up. Or they can be big emotional waves or crises.
Caring for yourself is just ONE THING. ONE.
What does that mean?
Like: “Oh, I’m doing a million things to avoid how I feel right now. I feel overwhelmed (and I think I shouldn’t be).”
Hi. There you are. You are in that moment. Acknowledging what is actually happening for you.
Stop what you are doing as soon as you can. And just feel what is happening in your body. The knot in your throat, the tension in your back, the pit in your stomach, the heaviness in your chest, your dizzy head.
For 30 seconds. For 60 seconds.
You don’t need to dig deep and figure out what it is all about. You don’t need to be in therapy for 100 years. Just your attentive presence is enough.
And it will subside as you are with it. There might be other waves, maybe even two minutes from then, but it will go down.
You do physically uncomfortable things ALL THE TIME. You wait to use the restroom to make it through your meeting. You don’t give yourself time to eat and the hunger pain is real. Or you eat way too much and that pain is real. You push yourself in a workout. You delay going to sleep when you badly need it. You stub your toe even.
Nothing.
We don’t do it because we don’t realize how simple this is or know that we can make it through. Being with what is really happening for you means that your experience is acknowledged. And, then it can literally be done for now. You can conserve all that time and energy you were using to try and get away from it.
No one is going to feel it or get it like you do. No one. And that is all you want… for someone to get it. What if that can be you? For under 2 minutes.
This does not mean that we do not need connection with others. We do. We are open circuits that help to regulate one another when there is an attuned connection. And, we need to know how to care for ourselves just as much. It’s a vital life skill.
The bonus here is the insight that tends to bubble to the surface following these moments of presence. We spend all this time with racing thoughts, trying to figure things out and trying to stop the pain.
And these answers are usually higher quality solutions that come from a LOT less effort.
Self care has gotten a lot of press lately, which is good. The distinction between being selfish and caring for yourself is an important one. Knowing that your cup needs to be full in order for you to be able to support others is also …
There is more and more talk about HSPs (Highly Sensitive People) and about empaths. And, I love that. Finally, there is a way to understand what many people have been living. These are people who have long felt there is something wrong with them because …
And, we are right at that time of year when people are posting about their holiday activities and we might have a little more time or temptation to be keeping up with what’s going on.
Yup, anyone can get a good group shot, a cute selfie or a nice holiday scene going on. And there is no mention of the tension you could cut with a knife in the room or comments under someone’s breath or out loud criticism or bickering.
Just remember, there’s always more than meets the eye. I don’t mean that all family situations or holiday activities are rife with conflict or difficult moments. But we are human beings living a human life. Things are not always perfect, no matter how they look.
You know this. It’s just a reminder!
There’s an app that will help you with managing your phone use so you can be a more mindful and engaged participant in life (and the holidays!). It’s called Moment. It’s free!
And it can help you build some more awareness about what you are doing with your time and your phone. This time with loved ones is precious. We don’t get it back.
And, the phone and social media scrolling can take away that time as well as take your mood into a downward spiral of comparison. Just not worth it.
The app has different features that allow you to track your screen time, limit it at certain times or help you get in a range of usage that feels good for you. It actually tells you if you are in the green, yellow or red zone with your usage levels. Aren’t you curious to see what zone you are in? This would be a good time to download it.
Yes, we can have good intentions that fall by the way side. Let’s say you fall down that rabbit hole of comparing and envy.
Well, jealousy is an emotion that comes to tell you about what you want and do not yet have in your life or are not allowing in your life.
So, if jealousy or envy arise, it’s a great opportunity to see clearly what you would like to create in your life in the new year. It’s also a great time to think about ways that you may have inadvertently been blocking a deepening of your friendships, a healing of your relationship with your father, a romantic relationship, more financial abundance or the opportunity to travel more.
If you aren’t sure what is getting in the way, journal about it. Or talk to a close friend and get their reflections or start seeing a therapist. There is support around you for you to have what you want in your life.
We have all either thought or said this at some point: “you wouldn’t act like this if you loved me.” I have to tell you something: this belief is probably causing unnecessary pain and suffering. There is this prevailing thought that people act one certain …