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Parental burnout is real. And, it’s coming up a lot right now. Summer is over, kids are adjusting to the routine of being back in school, pandemic restrictions and concerns have largely been lifted… yet many parents may be finding themselves exhausted, overwhelmed, stressed and …
This is a big parenting technique that has been taught for decades about how to deal with tantrums and big feelings: just ignore them. And, if we’re being honest, it makes sense coming from a behavioral perspective – reinforce behaviors you want to see more …
There’s a lot more information about trauma out there on social media now, which is great because it elevates collective awareness around trauma and how it impacts our daily lives.
You’ve probably heard of flight or flight as responses to trauma triggers, but you may not have heard so much about what the “fawn” response is, and we want to shed some light on that here.
“A trauma response is the reflexive use of over-adaptive coping mechanisms in the real or perceived presence of a trauma event…” (mindbodygreen.com | mbghealth | Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn: Examining The 4 Trauma Responses; Julie Nguyen, Kristina Hallett, September 11, 2021)
If you experience something that your body feels is unsafe your brain will activate a response to keep you safe. It’s like an alarm is set off when the trauma occurs and then you are triggered to silence the alarm.
Sometimes the experience may not be life threatening or a really big event, like a death or war, smaller events can also be linked to trauma. These events, though smaller, can still be overwhelming and cause stress. There is a range of what trauma can look like and it doesn’t have to be huge to impact you in a significant way.
“Trauma affects you differently depending on whether you have experienced it once, repeatedly, or over the course of time.” (University of Maryland Medical System | Trauma Response: Understanding How Trauma Affects Everyone Differently)
The four types of trauma responses are: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn. You have probably heard of the first three; fight is when you take action in some way to address the trauma, flight is when you avoid or run away from the problem and/or others, freeze is when you can’t do anything, almost like a play dead response…but what about that last one, fawn? Let’s take a look at what the fawn response is.
Most of us want others to like us and be happy. But if you are always going over and beyond to appease people and ignore your own needs then you could be exhibiting a fawn response.
“Fawning is a trauma response where a person develops people-pleasing behaviors to avoid conflict and to establish a sense of safety.” (charliehealth.com | Is Fawning a Trauma Response? What You Need to Know | Charlie Health Editorial Team)
Some patterns associated with people who exhibit this trauma response include being overly agreeable, afraid to say no and being disconnected from their own needs due to always prioritizing the needs of others. The trauma they have experienced has led them to believe that they have to go with the flow in order to stay safe; they cannot say no because that will lead to a place or circumstance that is unsafe for them. (Peters, Jen | @jenpeters_soulguide_healer)
This is common in trauma survivors as they will try to please their abusers so that they hopefully can avoid more abuse. It can also be present for people in toxic or high-conflict relationships because they want to keep peace and not have to deal with conflict; they would rather just do whatever they can to make the other person happy.
The fawn response is a coping mechanism that you may feel is essential for survival or your only chance at living in peace. Unfortunately, fawning can lead to losing yourself. If you are constantly tending to the needs of others and putting them and their well-being first; you start to abandon yourself, which will eventually diminish your self-worth along with other challenges that impact your life.
Once you realize that a fawn response is what you are dealing with, it’s helpful to take steps to start to get to know your boundaries. Don’t judge yourself, instead acknowledge that your trauma response was your way of coping and surviving. (Amjad, Amna | @sonder.therapy) There are some helpful posts on boundaries here and here.
It’s a process and you can start by assessing your personal values so you can determine what is important to you and the people you want in your life.
You will also have to learn to be comfortable with other people not liking you or not always being happy with you. Again, this is a process. Therapy is a helpful tool because you have the support from a trained professional to help you identify and hold the boundaries
This includes tolerating and/or communicating through the discomfort that comes with other people’s responses. Remember, that is a trauma trigger: other people’s responses to what you imagine or what they actually don’t like. So your mind will send up the flares saying that something is definitely wrong as you go through the process of healing the fawn response. It takes practice and may require professional support. Doing this practice and getting support has the potential to rebalance your relationships, break generational patterns and lead to tremendously improved health on so many levels.
“Feelings are meant to be felt, and if we keep attempting to extinguish our own emotions, we are actively fighting and denying what makes us human.” (healthline.com |People-Pleaser? Here Are 5 Ways to Unlearn Your ‘Fawn’ Response; Sam Dylan Finch)
Keep in mind, we are human beings raised by human beings, we’re going to have some adverse experiences. The point of understanding trauma and our natural responses is to not villainize the people who raised you; they did the best they could with the knowledge, resources and capabilities they had.
It’s never too early to begin laying the foundation for emotional maturity. Kids will take on what you, as the parent, create as the norm. I recently witnessed a two year old take a full body breath after she started whining, when her mom guided …
Sometimes people do things that get under your skin and they usually aren’t doing them because they’re rude or annoying. More than likely it’s because they are responding to something intense in their internal world. Of course, it might annoy you and push your buttons, …
Have you heard someone say that a person is emotionally unavailable? Or maybe they have said that they are emotionally unavailable. This is a term that gets used a lot on social media so we thought we’d take a moment to clear it up and explain what it is.
“Emotional unavailability refers to someone who doesn’t respond to your emotional needs or cues. An emotionally unavailable man or woman has persistent difficulty expressing or handling emotions, and getting emotionally close to other people.” (Psych Central | How to Spot Emotional Unavailability: 5 Signs | Julie Marks and Sandra Silva Casabianca, September 24, 2021)
Sometimes people may be emotionally unavailable because they have a lot going on in their life and they don’t have the time, energy or desire to invest themselves emotionally; this is natural. Then there are people who are emotionally unavailable consistently and it’s due to past trauma, a mental health or personality disorder, or some other reason.
Being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable can lead to you feeling insecure because they may not be affectionate, seem distant, or have trouble talking about feelings. In addition, if someone you care about is not responsive to your emotions, it can be hard to build trust or feel connected to them.
And, sometimes, you are that person! It’s OK! We’re all here to learn.
Often times this is something that’s easier to notice in other people. However, if you find yourself noticing it in a lot of others, it might be lurking somewhere for you. It’s important to be honest with yourself and assess your relationships and interactions and be willing to see the signs if they are there.
One of the signs is that you avoid commitment and/or labels. There is a fear of things getting too serious or for deeper connections to be established, so you keep things on the surface level so there aren’t too many emotions involved. You would prefer to just have casual relationships and if the other person expresses care for you, it makes you uncomfortable.
Another way to recognize this in yourself is if you withhold personal feelings and thoughts. “If you’ve found yourself unable or unwilling to share your feelings, you’re likely emotionally unavailable…this includes things like life goals, life regrets, wishes, hopes, and longings. While it may feel like you’re just “being careful” with the vulnerable details of your mind, you can’t create meaningful connections without taking some risks.” (Mindbodygreen.com | mbg relationships | Emotionally Unavailable: What It Means & 15 Signs To Look For | Gigi Engle)
Lastly, reflect on how you handle conflict with others. Are you willing to work through them and try to work it out or are you quick to cut people off? If the latter is true, then you may be emotionally unavailable because ending the relationship is easier than doing the emotional work to maintain the relationship; so to protect yourself you just let them go.
It is possible to manage this and change is possible if you are willing to work at it. Like with most emotional issues, it’s important to take it slow. “ True vulnerability takes time, and pushing yourself to open up before you’re ready can sometimes trigger distress or discomfort. A better approach? Small, gradual changes.” (Healthline | What It Really Means to Be Emotionally Unavailable | Crystal Raypole).
More than likely you built up walls or defenses over time that led you to being guarded with your emotions, so it’s unlikely you can break down those walls overnight, and that’s okay.
Identifying and taking responsibility for your own emotions is a good first step. Being in tune with what you are feeling before you share it with others can be helpful because you will feel less vulnerable. Keeping a journal of your feelings is one way you can get your emotions out and get comfortable with them on your own, and prepare yourself to let others in.
Communication is important, so be upfront with the people that you care about and tell them that expressing emotions is hard for you. If you find it difficult to talk to them then maybe it will be helpful to talk with a therapist. They can offer guidance, help you identify the causes and work with you to develop strategies to be more comfortable with your own emotions and receptive to the emotions of the people in your life.
“…the process of being in a therapeutic relationship with their therapist allows an emotionally unavailable person to experience, perhaps for the first time, how safe, rewarding, fulfilling and comforting it is to be emotionally available and present.” (All Relationship Matters: Relationship Counseling in Melbourne, Online and Telehealth | Understanding the Emotionally Unavailable)
Emotional unavailability, whether on your part or others, can be frustrating and lead to the breakdown of relationships. Meaningful relationships are built on emotional connections; if you are closed off emotionally then you may miss out on feeling connected, feeling loved, having fun, feeling supported in some of the most important relationships in your life.
It’s almost that time! We thought we’d take a moment to talk about preparing to return to school. Transitions can be tough for kids AND adults. For some families, it might be ‘sweet relief’ to get into the structure and flow of a school year; …
Having a new baby changes your world on every level. One level that might not get as much attention is your relationships with extended family. You are now a parent who has to think about what’s best for your children and this new family you’ve …
A few months ago, my father gave me a book he found in his grandfather’s library. My great grandfather was ahead of his time; he was into spirituality, health food and meditation. When I opened this book, I understood where so much toxic positivity had come from in my family.
Being positive or focusing on positivity comes from a noble place. However, there is this sense of avoiding or dismissing the wholeness of our human experience that can come from solely focusing on the positive. What we know now is that wholeness, presence and authenticity is healthier than blanket positivity, “mind over matter” and perfectionism. We will all have experiences in our lives, they will not go away by simply staying positive.
It’s normal to feel uncomfortable when negative emotions come up. Those feelings are real and you will experience them, not just once or twice, but throughout your life.
If you continuously dismiss those negative emotions and don’t deal with them (because you think keeping a positive mindset is the solution), you might be falling into the trap of toxic positivity.
“Toxic positivity takes positive thinking to an overgeneralized extreme. This attitude doesn’t just stress the importance of optimism, it minimizes and denies any trace of human emotions that aren’t strictly happy or positive.” (Verywellmind.com | What is Toxic Positivity? | Kendra Cherry, February 1, 2021, https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-toxic-positivity-5093958)
Sometimes people will encourage you to just stay positive because they don’t know what else to say or how to comfort you. They may say things like ‘look on the bright side’’ or ‘it could be worse’. But saying those things can lead to feelings of being dismissed or invalidated. We talk about the effects of invalidation HERE.
As topics around mindset and the popularity of the ‘good vibes only’ attitude have grown through social media, it’s become trendy to be positive at all costs, in all circumstances. Although having a positive mindset can be beneficial, it doesn’t mean that negative emotions should be dismissed and not felt. It’s okay to experience emotions that are not positive.
Our goal, for dealing with our own negative emotions and situations, should be to manage them instead of avoiding or dismissing them. Yes, It’s important to have a positive outlook on life. And, if you avoid all emotions that are not positive, you foreclose on the ability to grow and learn from the negative experiences that can truly build you into a well-rounded individual.
So we want to develop healthy, supportive ways to approach negative emotions with ourselves and with others.
“Empathy is an essential element in any relationship, and we need to meet people where they are in terms of their emotions.” (PositivePsychology.com | Toxic Positivity in Psychology: How to Avoid the Positivity Trap | Tiffany Sauber Millacci, Ph.D., April 13, 2021, https://positivepsychology.com/toxic-positivity-in-psychology/)
None of these statements dismiss the negative emotions, they acknowledge them and show empathy.
It’s okay to feel your feelings because even negative emotions have a purpose. You can use them in a way that is productive to learn, grow and improve yourself.
It’s almost second nature to say some of the toxic positivity statements when someone you love is struggling.
We have to remember that this is deeply ingrained in us and in the people in our life. These statements are coming from a caring place.
Sometimes there is also the tendency to hide or shield others from the hard emotions we have; we try to keep it all in and not burden those we love with our struggles. It’s Ok to share those emotions in the places you feel safe, so that you can receive support and feel connected. Connection helps regulate emotions and your nervous system.
But we can do better. Not only by remembering to bring presence, validation and encouragement that does not dismiss hardship, but by sharing with others when we need them to shift their way of supporting us as well.
We can say: “I really feel supported most when you acknowledge how I feel and tell me you trust me to handle the challenge” or “I really feel supported when you listen and just say: I can see how hard this is right now”.
When you give others this insight into how they can support you, and also ask them what makes them feel supported, you are building the foundation of a relationship where you effectively support each other.
There is no parent in the world that wakes up and says “I’m going to be a terrible parent today”. As a parent you are doing your very best, and sometimes it can seem like doing your best means that your parenting needs to be …