Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
How many fulfilling conversations are you having in a day? I know life is busy and it’s easy to slip into auto pilot, so that might even be a hard question to answer. You and everyone else you are talking with in your life, from …
What if your spouse, loved one, best friend is not the bad guy? What if you aren’t either? Let’s be honest, sometimes it feels good that the other person is the “bad guy”. Then we get to be right, justified and safe. At the same …
So, you know how to be empathetic, but why don’t you always practice it?
Last week we shared a video on illustrating empathy. It is about connection and presence. Even though you know how to do that, you might not always handle situations with connection and presence.
Things don’t happen in a vacuum. So, you and the person who could really use some empathy and compassion could be in the same situation that is bringing up intense feelings for you both. You might need some empathy and compassion too.
This is where mindfulness skills and emotional awareness come in.
If this is the case, get what you need. Be understanding to the person needing compassion and then make sure you get your own support. Don’t drown yourself trying to only be there for them and not take care of you.
Yup, you are busy, stressed, have little capacity at the moment to really be mindful. It might be a stressful or busy time of year, you might be dealing with other situations, whatever the case may be.
Try to recognize this and circle back to the person needing empathy. Just own it: “Hey, I know I’m not really doing a great job here because I’m going a million miles an hour, I’m sorry”. Saying that versus saying “well, at least you don’t have to do these million things you don’t want to do” or “you’ll be fine” or “don’t worry about it” is going to WIN every time. At the very least, you are connecting briefly through authenticity and that connection can go a long way.
This one is a little harder to catch. If you find yourself being judgmental or angry vs empathetic, it might be because the situation or the way the person is dealing with it is actually triggering YOU and you don’t realize it.
Yes, your co-worker is being victim-y and it is reminding you of your mother who can take on that role. Or, your boss is seeming unreasonably upset and you are reminded of your brother who always blames you.
You might not even know this is happening. But if you are finding yourself having a difficult time showing empathy, there might be a lead there for you. Knowing what is triggering your less than generous reaction will make the situation a whole lot easier to deal with. It loses its power over you once you are aware. And, you get to return to being that loving person you know yourself to be.
Therapists are great at seeing and decoding these things, so if you find yourself in a position more often than you’d like of being less empathetic or compassionate with people in your life, reach out to us. We are here to help!.
The people in your life might not even register this information consciously, but they act on this information. I see how the quality of someone’s listening can open or close doors. I see how relationships flourish or disintegrate as a result of the how people …
Boundaries are one of the most important ways you care for your relationships and for yourself. It’s a way of being honest about what works for you and what doesn’t. This has nothing to do with being selfish. When you are not clear with others …
I want to talk about the post by Sheryl Paul from Conscious Transitions “Not Attracted? Learn to Unblock the Flow of Love” that landed in my inbox on Sunday.
I was interested in the title because this is a question people ask in session:
I was also particularly interested when I clicked on it because she starts off by mentioning Mark Nepo (one of my favorite writers) and his Book of Awakening.
Then, of course, the central point of the article is about clearing space. Through acknowledgement. A well timed follow up on last week’s post.
There are two points from her article I want to highlight.
She quotes Mark Nepo to talk about this:
“The weather of simply living jams things up, and we, like every generation before us, must roll up our pants and sleeves, step into the river, and unclog the flow. Of course, we need to ask, ‘What are the stones pushed about between us? What are the heavy things that keep getting in the way?’
“No doubt, they are infinite and particular, but often, they are made of habits of not: not seeing, not hearing, not feeling, not being present, not risking the truth, not risking the heart’s need to live out in the open.”
I like how she focuses in on this quote because it is normalizing and instructive. It is not that people have been being bad partners or that there is something wrong with love or relationships themselves. It is life that can jam things up.
And, wouldn’t you say that the relationship’s invitation to re-engage us in seeing, hearing, feeling, being present, risking the truth and risking the heart to live out in the open is a pretty life affirming call to action?
I mean, if someone came to me and said this opportunity is going to arise to invite you to do the above things, I would sign up immediately.
Instead of thinking what’s wrong with me or them, can you ask: where can I see, hear, feel more, be more present, risk the truth or risk my heart living out in the open just a little bit more?
Start with a tiny piece and build from there. You don’t go in and pick up the biggest boulder right away without warming up. You’ll throw your back out. Just start with the parts you can access now. Acknowledge “hey, I noticed I haven’t been as good about washing the dishes, let me do that.” Or, you can just practice listening more or being more curious about your partner and see what happens.
This is accessible. This is something you can do today and build on. The closer you feel, the more ready you are to get to the bigger boulders.
This next one goes a little deeper.
Sheryl talks about this in a pretty blunt way. She is not wrong about the fact that relationship is a mirror. I think being unaware of this fact is a detriment to relationships both for the person who has the complaint and for the person being complained about. The inaccurate assumption that your partner is the source of either your pain or pleasure is easy to fall into, but, ultimately, it can cost you your relationship.
What I would add to what Sheryl says is: the mirror is sneakier and more nuanced than you think. What I mean is, when you read the translations of your complaints about your partner, you might immediately be like “No! That’s not me!”.
If your issues are projected onto someone else versus readily available to your conscious awareness, that means that there is something about that issues about yourself you might not want to see. Follow me?
So, of course, you are going to protest. It is protected information. But can you soften? Can you open to the discovery about yourself that might actually be liberating? Like: Wow. I really struggle to feel approved of if I am not doing EVERYTHING and running myself ragged.
This is probably an old underlying storyline that is running from childhood that is outdated.
What if you pull that thread? And you start to learn to put some limits on how demanding work and taking care of your home gets to be? You outsource some tasks, you focus on restructuring things so you can actually start to enjoy parts of life instead of “taking care of things” all the time. And, you release this complaint about your partner by realizing the complaint isn’t about them. And you actually feel more connected and attracted.
All that came from your willingness not to take your complaint about your partner at face value. And to just dig a touch deeper and reflect.
If you need support in how to decode your complaints or find ways to see, feel, hear, risk the truth and risk your heart more, we are here for you. Reach out to us and we’ll match you with one of our therapists.
Defenses are kind of tricky because they are usually employed without your conscious consent. They are part of the workings of the unconscious mind to protect you. That doesn’t mean you can’t see them. It just means they can be sneaky! I wanted to write …
We have all either thought or said this at some point: “you wouldn’t act like this if you loved me.” I have to tell you something: this belief is probably causing unnecessary pain and suffering. There is this prevailing thought that people act one certain …
How are you supposed to filter through all that feedback?
There is the end of the spectrum where you trust what other people say about you or what you should do over trusting your own inner knowing.
The other end of the spectrum is ignoring or minimizing any feedback.
Let’s face it, we can’t see 360 degrees around ourselves and we all have blind spots.
Sometimes the most important feedback can come from unexpected sources. Sometimes the feedback itself doesn’t “sound good”, but it is actually really helpful once you get past your initial feelings about it.
Ok, people are not usually trained in giving feedback. If they are hurt or concerned, they might have made a categorical statement like “you’re a jerk”. Well, people are complicated, so you can’t boil someone down to one thing.
So, let’s put it into perspective even if your loved one might have used different phrasing: do you sometimes act like a jerk? (Big difference between being one and acting like one).
You know what? Sometimes I act like a jerk. Usually under circumstances where I am overwhelmed.
If you are repeatedly getting the same feedback, it is good to take a closer look at this.
Maybe you don’t intend to come off a certain way. But you do.
So, under what conditions are you doing that? Is there anything you need to shift?
If you need help looking at this, go to a trusted friend and see if they can give you any specific examples. Try not to be defensive. You are doing this to grow.
Is there anything about this person’s feedback that is more about them than it is about you?
I remember when I was opening a private practice and a colleague was telling me about all these safety issues I needed to be concerned about. I totally took that on board. When I talked to a couple of other people, I realized that this person’s advice about safety issues was specific to them. She brought up good points, but I maybe did not need to go to the extent she was recommending.
Let’s say you want to be a person that others can come to for the truth. You get feedback that you are mean when you are just trying to be honest.
Instead of dismissing that feedback, you can investigate a little: Is it actually important to me for people to receive my honest feedback?
If you decide it is important, it would be good to ask yourself if there is anything in the way of your honest reflections being received. Are you personalizing it (i.e. saying “you’re a jerk” vs “you’re acting like a jerk”) or using a harsh tone? Are you belittling or being condescending in your tone? Is your feedback more often unsolicited? Do you maybe want to start asking if someone wants feedback before you offer it, that way they are more receptive and ready for it?
If you are not sure, ask an honest friend or a therapist.
Check to see if it could hold a valuable insight.
See if there could have been a valid reason for you acting the way someone is saying you act. Meaning, does that way of being have a noble intention?
For example, I got the same piece of feedback from two important people within the same week: “you care too much about what people think”. Ugh. I never wanted to be that person.
Because it was said to me twice, I decided to take a look. Yes, my mother was a volatile human being when I was a kid. I had to care what she thought. Caring about what she thought made it so it was less likely a bomb would go off. I just didn’t know I was continuing to be that way so much later in life when I didn’t need that strategy anymore.
Brene Brown says that she has a short list of people she trusts enough to give her honest feedback. She says that list is on a 1 inch x 1 inch square of paper. That’s a short list! Think of the people you trust in your life and just stick to their feedback, leave the rest.
The benefit of being open is that you are more approachable and feedback is vital to growth, so you will have the ability to get further faster.
The benefit of being discerning is that you will not waste your energy on information that is not FOR you.