Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
Until I trained as a therapist, I never intentionally paid attention to what happens in the process of communicating with someone. Communication just happened. As I learned what process vs content meant, I realized how much information is embedded in the actual process of communication. …
We’ve all been through some significant life adjustments in the months of quarantine. Some of them difficult to assimilate. And, there might be a couple that you found might suit you. No matter where you are in your stance toward the pandemic, the reality is …
How many fulfilling conversations are you having in a day? I know life is busy and it’s easy to slip into auto pilot, so that might even be a hard question to answer.
You and everyone else you are talking with in your life, from strangers to loved ones, fundamentally want one thing.
Are you getting and giving this?
It’s the most basic of offerings, yet we fail at it so often. We are thirsty for connection, this is one thing we can get better at right now.
Literally leave it out of sight when you are talking to anyone. Research says that just the presence of your phone is a distraction to all people in a conversation. Why? Because it is designed to get your attention on all levels. And then it reinforces that action by offering dopamine hits when we give it our attention.
Yes, LOOK at them. I know that seems too simple. But it is one of the ways we signal to the other person that we are “seeing” and “hearing” them. And we are NOT doing that a lot. Especially if our phone is nearby.
As our attention spans get shorter and we are given information more quickly, this impacts how we interact.
I have been thinking about this a lot because I’m curious about why I feel more alive after some interactions and like I have been run over by a bus in others.
At a social event recently, I was observing how this group of close friends was interacting. These were educated people who are very interested in each other and long time friends. I was floored at how often people interrupted each other to talk about their own selves. AND did not ask a single question about another person. Of course we are starving for connection. The ones closest to us are not even seeing or hearing us!
Yes, ask a single follow up question. People want to be seen and heard. If you ask a question (not interrupting with one), that means you heard your person. It means you are connected.
The declining quality of interactions with each other is leaving us void of feeling connected. When we don’t feel connected and like we belong, we turn to superficial or unproductive activities to get our needs met. It’s a space where judgement, narcissism and selfishness grows.
How about we focus on building back our relationships to places where we are seen and heard? We can all be healthier, more compassionate, connected and fulfilled.
And, someone will notice. Maybe not consciously, but they will want to be around you more. They might say or do something nice, express gratitude and appreciation for you or the next person they see.
I want to talk about the post by Sheryl Paul from Conscious Transitions “Not Attracted? Learn to Unblock the Flow of Love” that landed in my inbox on Sunday. I was interested in the title because this is a question people ask in session: It …
Defenses are kind of tricky because they are usually employed without your conscious consent. They are part of the workings of the unconscious mind to protect you. That doesn’t mean you can’t see them. It just means they can be sneaky! I wanted to write …
In the personal growth world, there is a lot of talk about boundaries.
First of all, what are they?
They are the rules between people about how they interact with one another. They can be set overtly. Or they are just silent agreements that occur as your relationship develops.
Through your feelings and actions.
For example, if you get mad at your partner for not doing the dishes, you are setting the boundary that it is not OK with you that they are not doing their fair share. However, consider that some ways of setting boundaries are more effective than others.
If you are truly not OK with your partner not doing their dishes, let them know in a clear way with your words and actions. If you don’t like it, but it is not a big enough deal to commit to some discomfort to change this dynamic, work on accepting the situation. When you are clear you want to change, you could say something like: “hey, I don’t like it when there are always dishes in the sink, can we figure out a way to solve this?” Then actually brainstorm and figure out a plan. Then test it out, update the agreement if you need to.
Of course, you might have to take things further and designate plates that only you use if your partner wants to test out how serious you are and leave the dishes for a week. You will have to figure out what works best in your home. But commit to there being a solution.
If you just huff and puff while you are washing the dishes, then make an underhanded comment about how doing the dishes “isn’t that hard”, that isn’t really effective. You are pretty much signing up for more of the same because your boundary setting strategy is not direct or clear. You are throwing out a “cooked spaghetti” boundary: super flimsy. And you are adding an insult in there. People don’t take kindly to that. They get offended.
For example, you want your teenager to get up for school on his own. He resists this, so you keep waking him up because you are worried he won’t make it to school. Then there is fight every morning about it. You are trying to hold a boundary by getting mad at him.
If you let him be late for school, there will be natural consequences at school. If you feel concerned, talk to the front office and ask about the consequences if there are multiple tardies. Is it detention? Report card is impacted?
If you feel like there won’t be enough of a consequence there, let him know that he needs to bring a print out of tardies to you each Saturday morning. However many tardies will equal dollars he owes you or number of chores he has to do before spending time on video games or screens. If you choose to have him pay you, that money can be saved up and give it to him later as a spending money for college or security deposit for his first apartment, but don’t tell him that. Let him be upset about it. He will be. But instead of you getting upset, let his actions result in a direct consequence.
Get committed and follow through on making sure your plan happens. The clear boundary holding is up to you, not him, since you are the one that wants to change things. Obviously, every home and school environment are different, these are just illustrations.
That interferes with the power of the boundary. The message is then lost.
Everyone encounters seemingly impossible situations. These are situations where it really feels like you are powerless. Your hands are tied. Like, no matter what you do, it’s not going to turn out how you want it. Usually those situations carry emotional intensity. And, let’s be …
Do you ever feel like you are doing all the work? Having the SAME discussion all the time and there are no changes? What if I told you that there is a finite amount of emotional space? When you are all over the emotional space …