Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
One of the most important things to understand in relationships is your attachment style. It demystifies so much. When you don’t know your attachment style, things you do and feel in your relationships either feel very personal about your partner or about yourself. For example: …
How many times have you been in a conversation with a well meaning loved one and you were told something like “don’t cry”, “don’t worry”, “at least xyz didn’t happen” or “you know what you should do….”? What happened next? Did you feel heard? Did …
Until I trained as a therapist, I never intentionally paid attention to what happens in the process of communicating with someone. Communication just happened.
As I learned what process vs content meant, I realized how much information is embedded in the actual process of communication. I spend time with clients in session often helping them refocus on the process instead of focusing so much on the content.
The process is what is happening in a conversation between the two people. Like the overall dynamic. Are two people listening to one another and being attentive to what is being said? Is someone getting defensive, being loving, trying to manipulate?
The content is literally the details of the words being said.
So, think about two people fighting over dishes being in the sink. Whose dishes they are and how long they have been there is the content of the conversation. We get so easily drawn into the content as human beings because it feels like we can argue these points concretely and this is where we are taught to focus. But as we argue about these details, we are literally getting nowhere.
The deeper level (the process) of what is happening in the conversation is how that communication is going down. Is someone getting angry or getting defensive? Is someone asking for help in a loving way? Is this conversation actually about something else that is happening in the relationship, but its easier to talk about the dishes?
See what I mean? There is so much more information in the process. If we can see into that level of the conversation, we can actually get somewhere.
How often are you left upset about an interaction when what someone else did or said has really very little to do with you? Wasted time and energy, friend.
Remember the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz? One of them is Don’t Take Anything Personally. There’s a reason for that.
For example, your partner may have had another experience of someone not doing the dishes before or not feeling supported or feeling like they have to do all the things, so they are triggered and communicating through that lens.
Or, the communication in their own household growing up was critical and so they see things and communicate through that lens.
Or they have a job that is centered around attention to detail so they notice when things are out of place more.
Or, they have always been criticized for leaving things undone because they get distracted easily and they are defensive when people point out shortcomings that result from that distractibility.
Notice how none of that has to really do with you or the dishes?
When you pay attention the process, you start being able to separate out what is about you in the conversation and what is about them.
Once you sort out what you are contributing to the issue, you can actually do something about that. Because that part IS about you. And you have control over you.
What is about you in the conversation might be that you are being reactive to your partner’s stuff because you are taking it personally. You have control over that when you start to see beyond the content and into the process.
Your part might be that you are not being mindful about the dishes. You can work on that. The other person’s part might be that they are not feeling supported, that could be part of how they always feel because its hard to ask for and actually receive help. No amount of dishes you do will fix that. There will be something else you are not doing sooner or later. Or vice versa.
What if the reason you are not being mindful about the dishes is because you are overwhelmed and your stress levels are too high? That’s probably impacting more than the dishes. It is impacting your health and your ability to be present in the important relationships in your life.
Maybe it is time to focus on stress management and get into communication with your partner about the fact that you might need a little bit of leeway until you get this under control. If you ask for leeway or support, make sure you are actively *doing your work* to address the issue you are asking for leeway to handle.
When you first pay attention to this level of the conversation, you might only catch it after the fact. Unless you are in therapy with a therapist having this conversation in a couples therapy or family therapy session. It’s OK to realize after the fact, that’s the first step. Keep practicing.
When you are in conversations with your loved ones, start to notice what’s happening as it’s happening. “Oh, I’m getting defensive” or “wow, they are getting defensive”.
If someone is getting defensive, that is because they feel threatened. Check if you are saying something critical, are you creating a threat? If not, maybe their defensiveness is not about what you are doing in the moment.
If it’s not about you, you don’t have to continue in the conversation. Find a way to wrap it up and give a little space.
If it’s important, talk about it later. Ask if you inadvertently said something that bothered your person. They might say no because they are not used to talking or reflecting on this level. That’s totally fine, you are building trust and creating space for a deeper level of communication. It doesn’t happen over night!
So keep paying attention, making comments about what is happening in the process (“I’m noticing that I’m getting worked up”) and saying reflective things about conversations after the fact. They can be nice and encouraging process comments too like “I felt really good when you said xyz”. The goal is to be building up that safe space so that you both can start to focus on process vs. content.
We’ve all been through some significant life adjustments in the months of quarantine. Some of them difficult to assimilate. And, there might be a couple that you found might suit you. No matter where you are in your stance toward the pandemic, the reality is …
For most of us, life feels extra challenging right now. One of the ways we might be experiencing this heightened struggle is in our relationship with our domestic partner. This makes sense given the increased time spent around each other in close proximity. Little irritations …
We all know there is a point of diminishing returns when it comes to productivity. But do you act on the signals your body is giving you to take a break? It’s hard to do that, isn’t it?
While we all might ignore hunger, thirst or bathroom signals when we are busy, stopping to get those needs met seem more acceptable than stopping your to do list to rest.
I certainly grew up with lots of messages around the importance of being a productive and contributing citizen of the world. Did you?
I know my father did. We were talking about it last night after seeing psychologist and mindfulness teacher, Tara Brach, speak on her new book Radical Compassion. It was like a revelation for him, recalling messages he got from his own family (all with the very best intentions) growing up. He brought up a memory of his father taking him to skid row as a teenager, telling him that is where he would end up if he did not dedicate himself to his studies. I know my mother experienced those same messages around being productive. And, of course, so did I.
In fact, work ethic has been the main contributor to my sense of self worth. The fact that I love what I do and want to do what I do makes that easier, but overworking is something I have had to wrestle with my entire adult life. And, I have to continue to keep my eye on it.
Working around the clock (whether that is in your home or in your career) is seen as a badge of honor. How much you accomplish is certainly seen as a badge of honor.
If you are being the most productive person you know, are you also the most kind and connected to your loved ones? If you are being the most productive person you know, are you also the most healthy physically and mentally?
At the end of the day, what is actually most important to you? If it is other things (quality of connections/interactions, physical or mental well being, being present) over being the most productive, then it is good time to re-evaluate and find some space for yourself.
If you need some some science to ease you into that process of making peace with rest, read this short article about sleep and mental health (3 min).
When you are not getting enough rest or stuck in productivity mode, you are not in a level headed space. That means your experience of life and your internal world are much more chaotic when there may be nothing actually chaotic occurring.
That’s not good for your nervous system, which means it is not good for your overall physical, mental or emotional health.
Of course, everyone has a different set point of productivity that is right for their system. Not having enough productivity in your life can be anxiety producing and depressing. So, it’s important to find the balance that works for you.
Do you know your stress signals? These can be used to your advantage by supporting you in finding that balance. Read more on how to do that here and here.
As always, if you need help undoing some of this programing around productivity, we are happy to help. Contact us and we will connect you with a therapist that can offer that support.
A nap? Going to the ocean? Drinking tea? Reading?
**Disclaimer: One Heart Counseling Center is not affiliated with The Nap Ministry or any of its messaging. We just love their messages about reinforcing the importance of rest in and of itself.
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