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As a parent, you are constantly having to make decisions about what is best for your child and what they need. When it comes to certain behaviors and situations, the decision may not always be cut and dry, and your first thought about what they …
Sometimes it may feel like you are talking to a brick wall and your kids hear nothing you are saying. But you can rest assured that they are listening and they are always watching! So what are the things they are secretly watching that maybe …
Before becoming a mother you can read all the books and spend months preparing for what you think it will be like, but there will always be things you cannot anticipate until you are in the middle of this new and exciting role. Let’s discuss a few things that I wish women knew before they become mothers.
When you are preparing to become a mother you expect that things will change in your life…of course they will, you will be responsible for another human being. However, sometimes new mothers don’t realize how much becoming a mother will change their actual identity.
Your identity can be changed emotionally, psychologically and socially. You will start to see yourself differently and you will begin to engage with the world differently. This happens as your priorities begin to shift. You begin to focus more on the needs of your child and that becomes more important than the things that used to be a priority to you. For example: your picture of being successful may have always been tied to meeting certain career goals, but after becoming a mother you may now view success as being a mom and your career is not as fulfilling as it once was.
“Matrescence, like adolescence, is the transformative process of becoming a mother. It changes you physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, financially, and spiritually. This becoming-a-mother journey takes years. We realize it is not just a journey of raising our child but also a personal transformation of raising ourselves.” (Fort, El. [mindfulhealingmama]. “Things that no one told me before I became a mother.” *Instagram, February 12, 2025, www.instagram.com/p/DF_1d74sS6q/?img_index=4&igsh=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==)
Some women report feeling like they lose themselves in motherhood and it consumes them; and some women feel like they have found themselves in motherhood and it brings them a sense of purpose. Both of these reactions to motherhood trigger a transition that you will need to nurture and work through.
There is a mental burden of remembering everything like doctor’s appointments, school forms, meal plans, and a physical burden of trying to be everywhere and take care of everything. This can feel overwhelming. It’s not a bad thing to admit that it is hard and you can’t do it alone.
If you are an independent person who is accustomed to tackling goals and getting them done on your own prior to becoming a mother, then you may think that you can do the same with all the responsibilities of motherhood. Thinking that in order to be a “good mother” you should do everything on your own is unrealistic and also unhealthy.
When a mother has support, and has time to engage in self-care, she is a better mother because she can show up as her best self. Without help, a mom can quickly become exhausted and burnt out which puts her under more stress and not only will she feel the effects, but her child will as well.
“Making time for yourself may feel indulgent or selfish, but that is far from the truth. Even small acts of self-care or self-kindness can go a long way in decreasing the feelings of exhaustion, burnout, stress and even depression that busy mothers often feel.” (Bowe.Kristen. “Self Care Tips for Moms.” Mayo Clinic Health System. August 10, 2021. www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/self-care-tips-for-moms)
Inviting your spouse, partner, friends and family to help out will also give them a chance to bond with your child and for your child to create connections with people that are close to you and your family.
If a child sees their mother ask for help and/or accepting help, it teaches them that it’s okay to seek support when they need it too. Setting this example for your children will benefit everyone in your family.
No one knows everything about motherhood from the very start, no matter how many books you read or how much advice you are given. Experience is how you figure out what is best for you and your child and you can always adjust and make changes in your parenting approach.
You may have been raised with certain beliefs or disciplinary tactics and after becoming a parent you may realize they aren’t the best fit for your family. You can learn about new approaches and implement what is best for you and your child.
Children change and so do adults. You will have to adjust and be flexible through all the stages of your child’s life to make sure you meet their needs. And you may even have to adjust your parenting styles or strategies within one of these stages. Nothing you do is set in stone and has to be done a certain way.
Don’t put pressure on yourself that you have to be perfect and get everything right. You will make mistakes, all parents do, but if you can learn from your mistakes and make adjustments that are right for your child, then you are on the right track.
When a woman becomes a mom it can be the most joyous time of her life and also the most stressful time of her life. You may think you are prepared for everything this mom role is going to throw at you but there will inevitably be things that you just didn’t expect. Parenting is a journey, not a destination, so give yourself grace and do what is best for you and your child, not what the world tells you that you need to do.
When your college age kids come home for the holidays it’s a big adjustment. This is true for every family. Things are not as they were before. No matter if your college kid has had a great experience in the first months of school or …
School has started back up and despite this being the same old routine, you still find yourself frustrated and upset with the morning routine… Where are your kid’s shoes? Where is their homework? Why are you feeling rushed and irritated yet again? Is your …
Before becoming a parent you may think you know what type of parent you will be and how you will handle the ups and down that come along with this very important role. But you may quickly realize as a new parent that regulating your own emotions can sometimes be more of a challenge than helping your child regulate theirs. It will be necessary to do some inner work because the work you do on yourself around your parenting will be the most valuable investment you make in your kids. Let’s talk about some of the work you can do.
It’s inevitable, your child will trigger you, and that’s okay. There are lots of behaviors that your child can exhibit that are triggering to you like a tantrum or meltdown, a disrespectful tone of voice, ignoring you, etc. Noticing or acknowledging that you are triggered is the starting point, then you can move into how you can address it.
When you are triggered you will probably feel yourself start to get tense, your heart rate may increase, and you might make snap judgements and/or decisions. Once you recognize these signs, take a minute to regulate your emotions and nervous system – attend to the trigger before you address the behavior.
Jessica Milburn from responsive_parenting shares, “… in order to meet my child’s needs. In order to really hear what they are trying to say, I need to respond to my trigger first. Or else, they will not get what they need from me and I very likely will escalate the situation instead, despite every effort to appear calm.”
If you are aware of your triggers and conscious of how you typically react when you are triggered, you can manage them and make better choices when you are in the moment with your child.
Adults understand that children usually act out because they do not know how to manage their emotions; they have these big feelings and instead of calmly sharing them with you they are more likely to throw a tantrum. But as an adult, you may also struggle to manage your emotions in a positive way. You probably don’t throw tantrums but you may lash out in anger at your kids, use guilt or shame to control them or invalidate their feelings.
If positive ways to cope with emotions were not modeled to you growing up you might not know another way. These habits may not have had an impact on others before becoming a parent but once you are one, they could definitely have a negative impact on your kids.
If you have younger children, they are not immune to the effect of your emotions. They are often unable to verbalize their negative feelings so they display them by acting out.
(Ellis, Gena. “How a Parent’s Emotions Can Affect Their Child.” First Things First. September 24, 2020, firstthings.org/how-a-parents-emotions-can-affect-their-child/)
In order to pass on healthy coping techniques to your kids and teach them how to positively manage their emotions, you have to learn how to practice it yourself.
Show your kids that having lots of different emotions is normal and it’s okay. They need to know that it’s how they respond to those feelings and emotions that matters. If they see you respond in positive ways to your own emotions they will learn from you. They are always watching.
Teaching them emotional maturity when they are young can be very helpful to them as adults. We discussed how to instill emotional maturity in your kids in a previous post, read it here.
Successful CEOs got to where they are through continually developing themselves. They didn’t wake up with all the knowledge and skills they needed to do what they do, they had to continually invest in themselves and their personal development. It’s the same with parenting. You won’t ever be perfect (and you don’t need to be!) but you can do some things to develop on a personal level that will help you navigate your role as a parent.
You may feel selfish if you take time for yourself but it’s actually a sign of loving your child and wanting what’s best for them. If you burn out you will not be able to give your child what they need. Burn out as a parent? Yes, our parenting expert, Chelsea Derossi, MFT, ATR wrote about 6 Ways to Cope with Parental Burnout here. Whether it is listening to a parenting podcast or treating yourself to a massage or other special treat, your parenting will always benefit from that time of personal development or self-care.
You are going to make mistakes as a parent and in lots of ways you are growing up right along with your kids. You are not alone in your struggles, every parent experiences highs and lows and questions if they are a good parent. If you take the time to invest in yourself and commit to working on yourself, you will be able to get the job done. If you need more help or parenting advice, contact us.
Sibling fighting can happen year round but it can go through the roof during the summer. But this shouldn’t surprise you. They are together all the time and don’t get a break from each other like they do the rest of the year when they …
Investing in understanding the way your teen works will help you know how to support your teen, so let’s talk about that a little. The emotional development and emotional needs of a teen are complex and very different than that of adults. But if you …
Extra-curricular activities like sports and art classes are important for kids. They promote skill development, socialization, regulating energy levels, and physical health. But, when you’re trying to set up your kids’ after school schedule, there’s a reason not to lump therapy in with art and sports. It’s in its own category.
Let’s talk about how it is different.
For example, if your child is struggling with anxiety (regular anxiety, performance anxiety or social anxiety), being in extracurricular activities is going to exacerbate the issue if they are not learning the skills to be with and overcome the anxiety that comes up in those after school activities.
“While goal oriented activities can help a child develop certain skills, when those skills are scrutinized by parents, coaches or teachers, it can lead to self esteem issues, stress, and anxiety. This is especially true around the age of 12 when kids start to compare themselves to their peers in the formation of identity and self concept.” (Wijkstrom, Stephanie. “Signs Your Child Is Involved in Too Many Extracurricular Activities.” Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburg. October 5, 2022. www.counselingwellnesspgh.com/signs-your-child-is-involved-in-too-many-extracurricular-activities/)
While most extracurricular activities are fun and kids are excited about participating in them, they can still trigger stress, big feelings or overwhelm for a kid. If they are already working on identifying the emotions associated with their general anxieties and developing coping skills to address them, then they can apply them in all areas of their life whether it be family, school, friends or even extracurricular activities. This can help them get more out of those activities and find a sport or activity that they can thrive in.
We see parents pull kids from therapy thinking that the child doesn’t care. Kids might not always tell you that they do, because they want to please you or might not be fully aware of what’s happening in therapy. If you want therapy to be a safe place for your kid to work through things, you have to make sure it’s reliably available.
Therapy can be hard for kids because their therapist will push them to help them grow. If it’s intermittently available, your kid won’t open up enough to get the support they need. Consistency allows them to develop trust and build a relationship with their therapist.
“The key here is being consistent; if you want change, you must be consistent. Consistency essentially means sticking to the plan and not skipping (or over-doing) something.” (Barbash, Elyssa. “STOP CANCELING YOUR THERAPY APPOINTMENTS! – THAT IS, IF YOU WANT REAL CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE.” Tampa Therapy. June 4, 2017. www.tampatherapy.com/2017/06/04/12338/)
This happens a lot: people don’t think they have time for therapy or they don’t feel like going. This is the best time to go. Where else in life can you take a pause from the outside world to reflect, be seen and gather yourself? There are no distractions. Sometimes it’s the exact thing you need, especially when you don’t feel like it.
If you act like it isn’t a big deal to cancel appointments because something else comes up or because you want to use that time to get other things checked off your to-do list, then you are showing your kid that therapy is not a priority. Talk with them about the benefits of therapy and how important it is to keep it up, even when it feels hard or when it doesn’t feel like you have time for it.
Modeling this behavior in your own life as a parent, and prioritizing your own mental health and self-care, is another way you can emphasize the importance of sticking with it.
It’s true, therapy is an ‘extra’ event that you have to factor into your schedule, however, it’s very different from a typical extracurricular activity. It’s not a luxury or something to be used as a reward; it may be a necessity for your kid’s mental and emotional well-being. (Barbash, Elyssa. “GETTING AWAY FROM THE “THERAPY IS A LUXURY” MENTALITY.” Tampa Therapy. April 25, 2017. www.tampatherapy.com/2017/04/25/getting-away-from-the-therapy-is-a-luxury-mentality/)
There’s a lot of pop mental health advice floating around on social media these days and I’m totally here for it…well, some of it. Should we be more informed about trauma, emotional intelligence, relationship dynamics and attachment issues? Yes,100%! Although it can be beneficial, there …