Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
Our very own Anna Pirkl, M.A., MFT, ATR, LAADAC partnered with South Bay Families Connected to produce this short video to support parents in knowing how to support their kids through moments of worry or anxiety. South Bay Families Connected is an incredible online resource …
Joy. Yes, that feeling you want, that everybody wants, but you never want to have to think about it. Let me be honest. When I read headlines that mention happiness or joy, I’m like “sure, but I have really important things to do like help …
It’s not exactly a feeling one appreciates. But there actually IS a gift inherent in disappointment.
This post is #4 in a series of 10: Ten Basic Emotions and their Messages.
Each emotion has a general message it wants to convey. Once that message is delivered, the emotion or the wave of that emotion can be processed.
Sometimes there are multiple waves of the emotion. Sometimes it takes a little time for the emotion to process through the body, sometimes it is relieved right away.
It’s important to remember that there are nuances to the system. Each emotion also has a spectrum of how helpful it is.
The message of disappointment is about alignment.
Disappointment reveals a gap between our expectations, beliefs or assumptions and reality.
Expectations, beliefs and assumptions are largely invisible until there is something that is not a match to them.
You know how people say “I have no expectations”? Well, it’s probably not true. Sure, you can try not to have expectations, but they exist. Why? Because one of the chief endeavors of the mind is to predict. In the minds’ predictions are embedded expectations.
So, when disappointment appears, it is an opportunity to come into alignment with reality.
Ultimately, living in alignment with reality creates more harmony, ease and productivity. It means you are working with the flow rather than against it.
The initial revelation of an undesirable truth is sometimes difficult. But being with the truth is much easier in the long run. That way your efforts, energy and attention can be directed to the right places.
If you try to resist the truth that is here now, that is where time and energy are wasted. If you look at the situation and look to accept it as it is, you will get through the unpleasantness of disappointment faster.
Spend your effort looking at reality.
That means: let the disappointment be there. It sucks, but it is OK. Let it run through your body. In your head or out loud, declare your intention to be with it if that helps. Just breathe and pay attention to the sensations in your body as it processes. Most feelings take about 90 seconds to run through. If you can pause and let that happen without resistance, you will get through it faster.
According to Jill Bolte Taylor’s book, A Brain Scientist’s Personal Journey: “When a person has a reaction to something in their environment, there’s a 90 second chemical process that happens in the body; after that, any remaining emotional response is just the person choosing to stay in that emotional loop”.
Now that your silent expectations were revealed, bring your expectations into alignment with reality.
If you need to say the new expectation out loud or write it down to help solidify the gift of the disappointment, do that.
Maybe that means you need to take action as a result of the disappointment. Or maybe that means you just turn your brain onto something else: work, a new conversation topic, social media. Whatever you need to move your attention on. Otherwise, it is tempting to dwell on the disappointment.
A child client of mine was recently expressing disappointment because she didn’t get to play a game during our session. Sometimes we do that to help get into the session as a transition or to “close up” the work we have done.
The reality for my client was that she spent the majority of her time on her artwork. She wanted to get her project “perfect” and that took up a lot of time. Difficulty with being flexible is one of her treatment goals. Seeing the consequence of being somewhat inflexible was an important reality to help motivate my client to work on this treatment goal. I stopped all the action and we talked about this reality.
In response, my client stated her disappointment again. I know she didn’t care much about the reality, but it was important for me to continue to show her the realities of difficulties being flexible.
I mirrored it back to her: “it is disappointing”. We sat there looking at each other for about 20 seconds. I could see her metabolizing the feeling.
We talked for a moment about what we would do next time to help align expectations with reality.
My client was ready to end session and got up to leave.
Sometimes the problem processing feelings is just that we don’t know HOW.
Is there a disappointment you’ve experienced that you can process using these steps so you can finally move forward?
I know, being sad is a bummer. Most people don’t want to sign up for experiencing sadness. It’s not exactly pleasant. However, sadness is actually an important part of the human experience. Just like it is important that our cells die off and replace themselves. …
Willingness. It is the one thing that determines how successful my clients are in therapy, and ultimately, in their life. Why? Because it is a state of openness. Ultimately, if there is a challenge showing up, it is happening because there is an adjustment needed. …
So, why not talk with your trusted friend? Why pay money to talk with a therapist or coach?
If you find the right therapist, it should feel like talking to a trusted friend.
First of all, nothing is going to interrupt your time in therapy. There are no phone calls or televisions going in the background or kids or siblings or a partner needing your attention. Therapy is a dedicated, distraction free zone for 50 minutes.
Second, your therapist is there for you: to listen, support, and focus on you. You don’t have to worry about trying to have a reciprocal conversation and make sure you give your therapist enough time to talk about what is going on in her life. It’s all about you. Ahhh. Isn’t that nice?
Third, your therapist (if she is a good one) is not going to put her stuff on you. If she is good, she has done or continues to do her own work on herself. That way she is not putting her personal issues onto your stuff. Her feedback is related to her knowledge of human beings backed by her studies in psychology and experience as a therapist.
When you talk with friends, even the ones you love most, they might have a harder time being objective. It’s hard for people you love not to react to what you share by trying to fix things. They love you and don’t want to see you in pain. Your therapist is trained to make space for your experience and help you learn through it, not fix it.
Your therapist is someone who knows how to communicate in a productive way. So, you are interacting with someone who is, hopefully, modeling healthy ways of being in a relationship. Your therapist is modeling being considerate, holding boundaries, acting with integrity, being accountable, communicating clearly, creating space for your feelings and not being reactive.
Think about the common saying: “You are the company you keep.” Part of what works in therapy is that you start to map your thinking on to your therapist’s way of thinking. Kind of like how you start saying things your best friend says all the time. You are being influenced by a person who is specifically trained to think, communicate and engage in the world in a healthy way. Pretty awesome right?
It is important to find the right fit so that you get the most out of therapy. How can you get the most out of therapy? See last week’s post.
Feelings don’t exactly have a good reputation in terms of being accurate, so I know they might be hard to trust. How can you trust your feelings? The best place to start (bear with me for 2 seconds) is by understanding a basic tenet of …
Becoming an adult. Emotional maturity. The freedoms are kind of awesome. But the responsibilities are the ones that make all the “no adulting” memes so popular. How do you know when you turn that corner into becoming an adult on an emotional level? We all …
Like, it would be normal to think or say that your partner made you angry. Right?
It might take a couple of mental cartwheels and somersaults to get your head around this. But you will get it.
Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D, author of Nonviolent Communication, explains this really clearly:
See how that works? What other people say or do can INITIATE an emotional experience inside you, but the actual cause is how you make sense of it. And how you make sense of it, is about…YOU.
I hate when people are early. I know. That seems insane.
I feel a wave of anxiety and pressure because I think they want something from me. To be there now (when I’m still on my way). To bring them into my office when I need to eat a snack between sessions or return a phone call or text message.
In reality, sometimes people are early because they treat themselves nicely enough to not rush everywhere (better than I treat myself most of the time). Sometimes people are early because they are responsible. Sometimes people are early because that is how they grew up: early is on time, on time is late. Sometimes people are early for reasons I don’t even know.
So, someone is early. I have about 50 things I need to do in 90 seconds.
I am the one thinking people expect something from me when they are early. I am also the one living my life so that those 90 seconds to get 50 things done is crucial. They might be totally fine catching up on emails or social media in the waiting room.
See what I mean?
Ok, now that you see, let’s get on with the 3 Reasons You Need to Know Your Feelings Are About You:
I know that seems like a bad word. But, consider that if your feelings are about you, then you have more control over how things go. Like, if you were actually walking around in the world and any person or any circumstance had the power to make you feel anything, you would be like a kite in the wind. The wind changes direction, there you are with it. No choice. I don’t think you would appreciate that very much. How would you ever triumph over big challenges? You would just be a victim of everything going on around you all the time.
There is an idea in the spiritual world about a monk meditating on a mountain not being very evolved. The question is: how is he when he comes down off the mountain and interacts in the world? Interacting in the world, getting close to other people, tends to bring up your stuff.
Yup, early people bring up the fact that I’m not treating myself very well by rushing and being overly busy. Which begs the question: do I need to be treating myself this way? How much damage am I causing my telomeres (and therefore shortening my lifespan) being so stressed? It also brings up how I may be misperceiving what other people are expecting of me. Maybe more than I would like to admit. And, that is causing me stress for literally NO REASON.
So, the fact that your feelings are about you, essentially helps you work through your issues faster. This reason is my favorite because I’m a nerd like that.
So, if your feelings are about you, that means that your feelings are revealing when needs are being met or not met. Maybe there is a need that is not being met you didn’t even know you had.
If you just get mad at your partner because they are not acknowledging you for emptying the dishwasher for the last 40 days in a row, they probably won’t be acknowledging you any time soon. They are mostly going to be pissed at you for being pissed at them.
If you realize that heat rising in your body and you realize your anger is because you wanted to be acknowledged (need not being met), you have a higher chance of being able to say (with some vulnerability): “You know what, I was starting to get grouchy over there because I realized I wanted you to throw me a parade and put a wonder woman crown on my head for emptying the dishwasher. If you just give me a kiss and say ‘thanks, babe’, that’ll be good enough for now”.
And there you go. You saved yourself a Cold War that might steal your love, sex and enjoyment in life with your partner. Or a screaming match over bullshit because you accidentally thought your anger was about your partner when it was actually about the fact that you do need acknowledgement (it’s OK, we all do).
Pro tip: Don’t try to do this puzzle as a way to bypass your anger. That will backfire.
Depending on how mad you are, you probably need vent this off. Send 500 knife emojis to your best friend. Imagine the cartoon knock out scene in your head. Don’t wallow in it or hold a grudge. Don’t freak out at your partner. But, also, don’t stuff it.
After you feel the relief of the anger lifting, that is when your head is back on straight. Then think about how your feelings are about you.