Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
We talk a lot in sessions about what kids hear and witness when there is stress going on inside a family. Did they hear it or see it? Do they know? If a parent cries or parents argue, on some level, kids are going to …
Our very own Anna Pirkl, M.A., MFT, ATR, LAADAC partnered with South Bay Families Connected to produce this short video to support parents in knowing how to support their kids through moments of worry or anxiety. South Bay Families Connected is an incredible online resource …
Let me be honest. When I read headlines that mention happiness or joy, I’m like “sure, but I have really important things to do like help people and run a business. That’s sweet that other people have time for Joy and Happiness.” So, this post took some time for me sit with and write. I just imagined all of you thinking “who CARES!”
I’m not going to waste your time here. Joy and its variants (contentment, happiness, excitement) have a legitimate place on the spectrum of human emotion.
This post is #10 in a series of 10: Ten Basic Emotions and their Messages.
[subscribe so you don’t miss out on the round up post of all ten basic emotions coming up. You’ll want to book mark that one and keep it around to help you out when you are in a tough spot]
Each emotion has a general message it wants to convey. Once that message is delivered (meaning you accept it that it is present and that its presence is OK) the wave of that emotion can be processed.
Sometimes there are multiple waves of the emotion. Sometimes it takes a little time for the emotion to process through the body, sometimes it is relieved right away. It just depends.
It’s important to remember that there are nuances to the system. Each emotion also has a spectrum of how helpful it can be.
Joy drives us to find more of whatever is generating that “good” feeling.
Its main message is: let’s find more of that!
I don’t mean the temporary joy of eating delicious chocolate cake or buying something you really wanted. I mean the fulfilling joy that comes from being on purpose, from accomplishing something really important to you, from seeing a big smile on your loved one’s face in response to something you did or from delighting in the simple pleasures available in human life.
It is a sense of pleasure and well being that creates energy and generosity, making you more likely to want to contribute or share with others. Even just by smiling at people.
There is a reason we all want to feel joy and why there is so much out there about being positive or choosing to be happy: it makes life easier and more fulfilling. Plus, you get to be and show the best aspects of yourself.
Important Note:
While there is a choice (just like with all the emotions) in how much you will cultivate or stifle it, there is no such choice on the menu of human living to be joyful 100% of the time.
You do have emotions that are unpleasant as part of the human program. That is not bad news. Don’t get caught in the trap of thinking there is something wrong with you if you are not happy ALL the time.
Because the emotion of joy helps to create a compass for living your best life, notice if there is something in particular that helped generate this feeling of joy (i.e. you are doing something you are passionate about, you have had enough time with friends or personal time, stress levels are more manageable, you have been exercising or getting consistent sleep).
Write that down for safe keeping so you know how to set yourself up for experiencing more joy and well being in the future. It’s not always obvious or what you would expect. I remember being super happy at a 6am crossfit class thinking “what is going on with me? Oh, I got enough sleep!”
You are then setting yourself up for living closer to your highest potential and to actually enjoy life.
I know. That doesn’t seem that productive or high on the list of important things. BUT, it is virtually unsustainable to live without joy or happiness. What makes all the hard work worth it? If you experience some happiness in life, you actually become more motivated and productive.
Sometimes people (I’m included) try to cling to joy because it feels good, but that kind of ends up causing anxiety. Joy is here while it is here and then it will shift. If you can make peace with that, you will enjoy it more.
Be grateful for joy when it is here. Enjoy how pleasant and easy it can be. Like when you are on a bike ride and you are going downhill. Let the momentum take you. It is part of the sweetness of being human.
Unfortunately, you can’t just turn down the volume on some feelings and leave just the ones you like at normal level. There is only one volume control on human emotions. That means, if you feel them all, you get to feel joy fully too.
Allowing your feelings to process as they arise (or as close as possible to when they arise) means you actually get to feel more joy. The feelings that are not as pleasant are usually indicators of something not being in alignment or a need not being met, which obviously kind of blocks joy and happiness. So, if you can process those, you get back to the nice, easy feeling of contentment and well being.
Having feelings is like doing the dishes: they are only all done for a short time. Then they start to pile up again if you don’t process them as they come in.
This doesn’t mean you should be a hot mess all the time. It just means that you process your emotions in a healthy way; feeling them enough to get the message they want to convey and letting them process through the body. You want to manage them enough so they don’t flood you.
Sometimes you can unknowingly block those pleasant feelings because you have had experiences in the past when it wasn’t safe to “be happy”.
As a kid, you could probably freely get to that state if you had basic needs met. But, you may have experienced someone being critical of the way you expressed your joy. Or you may have felt it was something that others wanted to take away because they didn’t feel happy themselves. Or you may have felt like someone would intrude on you in some way (like try to pry into your life or get you to do something you didn’t want to do because you were in a good mood). Or you may have felt guilty about feeling happiness because circumstances were present that meant someone “should” be serious (i. e. serious illness or a significant family hardship).
There are a lot of reasons you may block your own happiness and joy. If you find yourself having a hard time feeling happy, even under circumstances where you feel most people would be feeling happiness, maybe it is important to check if you are blocking it in any way.
Of course, you might need to ask a thoughtful, trusted friend for reflections. Sometimes you think you should be feeling joyful or happy, but are minimizing stressful or burdensome circumstances.
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There are ways to manage these conditions. Click on the links for ways to see if you are experiencing an episode of depression or anxiety.
If you find you are experiencing anxiety or depression, finding a good therapist to work with could be really helpful.
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There doesn’t seem to be anything redeeming about disappointment. It’s not exactly a feeling one appreciates. But there actually IS a gift inherent in disappointment. This post is #4 in a series of 10: Ten Basic Emotions and their Messages. The central point is: The human …
I know, being sad is a bummer. Most people don’t want to sign up for experiencing sadness. It’s not exactly pleasant. However, sadness is actually an important part of the human experience. Just like it is important that our cells die off and replace themselves. …
It is the one thing that determines how successful my clients are in therapy, and ultimately, in their life.
Why? Because it is a state of openness.
A lesson wants to be learned. A shift wants to happen. Growth is on the horizon.
Being receptive creates space to allow what naturally wants to happen. What wants to happen isn’t always easy because it doesn’t always match what we think should happen.
Consider how those states serve as a way of closing as opposed to opening. They serve to “stop” and “protect”.
That is not bad. It is a natural reaction when something is uncomfortable, right? We want to stop discomfort and protect ourselves from it.
However, it is rarely productive. And, most of the time, it is costly. It costs time, money (therapy takes WAY longer if we have to spend the bulk of the time dealing with defenses), it may cost the quality of your relationship and daily life.
I have seen clients grow by leaps and bounds in very short periods of time because they were willing to think about things differently, willing to feel their feelings, willing to look at why issues are arising and learn through their experiences.
The intensity of the challenge rarely matters if there is willingness.
On the other hand, I have seen smart, capable people experience little progress in therapy because of a difficulty getting into a receptive and willing state.
The same thing goes for couples: no matter what the challenge, if each person is willing to be open, reflect and learn through it, most issues are surmountable.
People often ask me if there is any hope of getting through things. I always say there is hope as long as there is willingness.
Obviously, you will know if something is bothering you. Once you are aware that something is up, try to view it with curiosity: What is this about? Right there, you are shifting into an open state. This is opposed to thinking “it shouldn’t be like this”.
I’m not saying you need to love what is happening. You can totally hate it AND be open to it.
You will know that your defenses are coming into play because it will feel like you need to urgently interrupt or respond. Breathe. Try to listen the whole way and see what they are trying to tell you. You will have a chance to respond. There is no rush.
**This is assuming the person giving you feedback is not attacking you. In which case, you might need to protect yourself.
If you feel yourself being guarded, defensive or like you want to run away from what is happening in a conversation, say it. Say “I’m feeling super defensive right now”. It takes the air out of the balloon. Maybe that is all you say.
When you say that, it is not for the other person (although, it could be helpful to them too). It is for you. So you can be aware. It will create some space for you to shift into becoming more receptive. Or maybe help you request that the other person change how they are talking with you.
We use this format of healing all the time: talking with people we trust. So, why not talk with your trusted friend? Why pay money to talk with a therapist or coach? If you find the right therapist, it should feel like talking to a …
Feelings don’t exactly have a good reputation in terms of being accurate, so I know they might be hard to trust. How can you trust your feelings? The best place to start (bear with me for 2 seconds) is by understanding a basic tenet of …
The freedoms are kind of awesome. But the responsibilities are the ones that make all the “no adulting” memes so popular.
We all know people who we think “should be an adult by now” because of age or life events, but they still struggle to handle things in a mature way. I don’t mean that you have to be responsible and mature all the time.
The truth of the matter is human beings are inherently flawed, that is part of the design. And, we are all human beings raised by human beings. To take it further, we live in an imperfect world.
That means you are going to have experiences that hurt you, where you are scarred, where you develop survival strategies so you can protect your psyche, your heart, manage pain and survive physically and emotionally. That is how it goes.
I don’t know a single parent who woke up in the morning thinking: “I’m gonna do damage to my kid today”.
Parents are dealing with so many things including their own programming, cultural norms and generational beliefs, life circumstances, ect and they are doing the best with what they have.
When you are a dependent of your parents, then you pretty much have to go with the program. You have to survive according to the rules and circumstances in your family. And that can have the full range of loving moments that build healthy resilience all the way to abuse and neglect.
Developmentally, once you are able to be independent of your parents, meaning you come to an age where you can literally survive on your own, that is the first opportunity to make the emotional shifts toward being an adult.
That includes vocational, social, financial, physical, emotional and psychological stuff. Regardless of your history or the cards you were dealt in early life. We are assuming here that you are a normally functioning adult who is not dealing with severe mental or physical disabilities.
That doesn’t mean you don’t get to be angry, frustrated, sad, hurt, disappointed about what happened in your past. Not at all. You get to have all your feelings about it. In fact, it is best if you do.
I’m not saying this because you need to man up or not be a baby.
When you shift the blame away or chose to minimize, ignore or stay unconscious, you don’t hold power or choice.
And, as an adult, you have power and choice in a way that you did not have a child or as a dependent. As soon as you are accountable and you take responsibility for the “cards” you have been dealt, you are at the helm. It is just a way better position for you.
That means, you start to become aware of how you handle fear, anger, stress. How do you solve problems and communicate in your relationships? Start to look at the places where you are challenged and realize why. What in your past might be influencing how you handle things?
You get to choose. If it is not working for you, start to look at ways other people handle things that might work better for you. Read books. Surround yourself with people who seem to have that emotional maturity of knowing when and how to handle things. Go see a therapist to help you see the influences of your past. A therapist can help you improve on what you were taught or heal some of the scars.
If you get the basics down of how to be self aware, how to deal with your feelings and how to communicate, you are on it. You have some basic adulting skills that will put you ahead of the curve.
The way human beings experience emotion makes it seem like the feelings are about someone or something else. Like, it would be normal to think or say that your partner made you angry. Right? It might take a couple of mental cartwheels and somersaults to get your …