Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
Do you have any end of the year rituals? A way to gather your experiences, crystallize your memories, celebrate milestones and integrate your growth? If you don’t or you are looking for ways to enhance your end of year reflections, we have a couple of …
There’s a lot more information about trauma out there on social media now, which is great because it elevates collective awareness around trauma and how it impacts our daily lives. You’ve probably heard of flight or flight as responses to trauma triggers, but you may …
Have you heard someone say that a person is emotionally unavailable? Or maybe they have said that they are emotionally unavailable. This is a term that gets used a lot on social media so we thought we’d take a moment to clear it up and explain what it is.
“Emotional unavailability refers to someone who doesn’t respond to your emotional needs or cues. An emotionally unavailable man or woman has persistent difficulty expressing or handling emotions, and getting emotionally close to other people.” (Psych Central | How to Spot Emotional Unavailability: 5 Signs | Julie Marks and Sandra Silva Casabianca, September 24, 2021)
Sometimes people may be emotionally unavailable because they have a lot going on in their life and they don’t have the time, energy or desire to invest themselves emotionally; this is natural. Then there are people who are emotionally unavailable consistently and it’s due to past trauma, a mental health or personality disorder, or some other reason.
Being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable can lead to you feeling insecure because they may not be affectionate, seem distant, or have trouble talking about feelings. In addition, if someone you care about is not responsive to your emotions, it can be hard to build trust or feel connected to them.
And, sometimes, you are that person! It’s OK! We’re all here to learn.
Often times this is something that’s easier to notice in other people. However, if you find yourself noticing it in a lot of others, it might be lurking somewhere for you. It’s important to be honest with yourself and assess your relationships and interactions and be willing to see the signs if they are there.
One of the signs is that you avoid commitment and/or labels. There is a fear of things getting too serious or for deeper connections to be established, so you keep things on the surface level so there aren’t too many emotions involved. You would prefer to just have casual relationships and if the other person expresses care for you, it makes you uncomfortable.
Another way to recognize this in yourself is if you withhold personal feelings and thoughts. “If you’ve found yourself unable or unwilling to share your feelings, you’re likely emotionally unavailable…this includes things like life goals, life regrets, wishes, hopes, and longings. While it may feel like you’re just “being careful” with the vulnerable details of your mind, you can’t create meaningful connections without taking some risks.” (Mindbodygreen.com | mbg relationships | Emotionally Unavailable: What It Means & 15 Signs To Look For | Gigi Engle)
Lastly, reflect on how you handle conflict with others. Are you willing to work through them and try to work it out or are you quick to cut people off? If the latter is true, then you may be emotionally unavailable because ending the relationship is easier than doing the emotional work to maintain the relationship; so to protect yourself you just let them go.
It is possible to manage this and change is possible if you are willing to work at it. Like with most emotional issues, it’s important to take it slow. “ True vulnerability takes time, and pushing yourself to open up before you’re ready can sometimes trigger distress or discomfort. A better approach? Small, gradual changes.” (Healthline | What It Really Means to Be Emotionally Unavailable | Crystal Raypole).
More than likely you built up walls or defenses over time that led you to being guarded with your emotions, so it’s unlikely you can break down those walls overnight, and that’s okay.
Identifying and taking responsibility for your own emotions is a good first step. Being in tune with what you are feeling before you share it with others can be helpful because you will feel less vulnerable. Keeping a journal of your feelings is one way you can get your emotions out and get comfortable with them on your own, and prepare yourself to let others in.
Communication is important, so be upfront with the people that you care about and tell them that expressing emotions is hard for you. If you find it difficult to talk to them then maybe it will be helpful to talk with a therapist. They can offer guidance, help you identify the causes and work with you to develop strategies to be more comfortable with your own emotions and receptive to the emotions of the people in your life.
“…the process of being in a therapeutic relationship with their therapist allows an emotionally unavailable person to experience, perhaps for the first time, how safe, rewarding, fulfilling and comforting it is to be emotionally available and present.” (All Relationship Matters: Relationship Counseling in Melbourne, Online and Telehealth | Understanding the Emotionally Unavailable)
Emotional unavailability, whether on your part or others, can be frustrating and lead to the breakdown of relationships. Meaningful relationships are built on emotional connections; if you are closed off emotionally then you may miss out on feeling connected, feeling loved, having fun, feeling supported in some of the most important relationships in your life.
It’s almost that time! We thought we’d take a moment to talk about preparing to return to school. Transitions can be tough for kids AND adults. For some families, it might be ‘sweet relief’ to get into the structure and flow of a school year; …
Having a new baby changes your world on every level. One level that might not get as much attention is your relationships with extended family. You are now a parent who has to think about what’s best for your children and this new family you’ve …
A few months ago, my father gave me a book he found in his grandfather’s library. My great grandfather was ahead of his time; he was into spirituality, health food and meditation. When I opened this book, I understood where so much toxic positivity had come from in my family.
Being positive or focusing on positivity comes from a noble place. However, there is this sense of avoiding or dismissing the wholeness of our human experience that can come from solely focusing on the positive. What we know now is that wholeness, presence and authenticity is healthier than blanket positivity, “mind over matter” and perfectionism. We will all have experiences in our lives, they will not go away by simply staying positive.
It’s normal to feel uncomfortable when negative emotions come up. Those feelings are real and you will experience them, not just once or twice, but throughout your life.
If you continuously dismiss those negative emotions and don’t deal with them (because you think keeping a positive mindset is the solution), you might be falling into the trap of toxic positivity.
“Toxic positivity takes positive thinking to an overgeneralized extreme. This attitude doesn’t just stress the importance of optimism, it minimizes and denies any trace of human emotions that aren’t strictly happy or positive.” (Verywellmind.com | What is Toxic Positivity? | Kendra Cherry, February 1, 2021, https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-toxic-positivity-5093958)
Sometimes people will encourage you to just stay positive because they don’t know what else to say or how to comfort you. They may say things like ‘look on the bright side’’ or ‘it could be worse’. But saying those things can lead to feelings of being dismissed or invalidated. We talk about the effects of invalidation HERE.
As topics around mindset and the popularity of the ‘good vibes only’ attitude have grown through social media, it’s become trendy to be positive at all costs, in all circumstances. Although having a positive mindset can be beneficial, it doesn’t mean that negative emotions should be dismissed and not felt. It’s okay to experience emotions that are not positive.
Our goal, for dealing with our own negative emotions and situations, should be to manage them instead of avoiding or dismissing them. Yes, It’s important to have a positive outlook on life. And, if you avoid all emotions that are not positive, you foreclose on the ability to grow and learn from the negative experiences that can truly build you into a well-rounded individual.
So we want to develop healthy, supportive ways to approach negative emotions with ourselves and with others.
“Empathy is an essential element in any relationship, and we need to meet people where they are in terms of their emotions.” (PositivePsychology.com | Toxic Positivity in Psychology: How to Avoid the Positivity Trap | Tiffany Sauber Millacci, Ph.D., April 13, 2021, https://positivepsychology.com/toxic-positivity-in-psychology/)
None of these statements dismiss the negative emotions, they acknowledge them and show empathy.
It’s okay to feel your feelings because even negative emotions have a purpose. You can use them in a way that is productive to learn, grow and improve yourself.
It’s almost second nature to say some of the toxic positivity statements when someone you love is struggling.
We have to remember that this is deeply ingrained in us and in the people in our life. These statements are coming from a caring place.
Sometimes there is also the tendency to hide or shield others from the hard emotions we have; we try to keep it all in and not burden those we love with our struggles. It’s Ok to share those emotions in the places you feel safe, so that you can receive support and feel connected. Connection helps regulate emotions and your nervous system.
But we can do better. Not only by remembering to bring presence, validation and encouragement that does not dismiss hardship, but by sharing with others when we need them to shift their way of supporting us as well.
We can say: “I really feel supported most when you acknowledge how I feel and tell me you trust me to handle the challenge” or “I really feel supported when you listen and just say: I can see how hard this is right now”.
When you give others this insight into how they can support you, and also ask them what makes them feel supported, you are building the foundation of a relationship where you effectively support each other.
There’s a lot of conversation around holding boundaries with people in our life. But how about with ourselves? If we are putting an emphasis on something like boundaries in a relationship, we also want to check in on what we are doing around that very …
When I first started practicing as a therapist, many people that reached out for therapy were in crisis. They were in dire need of help. We saw people in our practice who were dealing with intense depressive or anxiety symptoms, severe trauma, life crises and …
It is not uncommon for people to start playing the blame game when they first start therapy. It may include blame directed at our family or parents, or the blame may be directed at the past and outside circumstances. This is a normal response and it’s all a part of the process.
I’m sure you’ve heard people say it before: it’s probably going to get worse before it gets better.
If it does, that’s OK. To make it easier, let’s talk about what you can expect.
When you begin therapy, or go through the different stages of therapy, you have an opportunity to look at the cards you were dealt in life and it can be hard to face. This might mean approaching some uncomfortable realities.
For example, there might have been some unhealthy dynamics in your family growing up. This doesn’t mean anyone is bad. It just means we are all human, doing our best. But, it’s important to see the realities because those are often what contribute to the reason you started therapy in the first place.
Some people start to experience this and want to quit therapy because they think it’s not working. This is a normal part of the process and doesn’t mean you aren’t making progress; actually this is a sign of progress.
You might feel angry and want to blame all the bad things that have happened on someone or some circumstance; or you might blame yourself.
Think about if you were diagnosed with an illness. You are not to blame for the illness. However, you are responsible for your health. This means it’s your job to focus on understanding what’s going on, living a healthy lifestyle, following directions from your health care providers, etc.
It’s the same concept when you are dealing with your emotions. When you are given a clear vision of the cards you are holding you might feel angry about what you’ve had to deal with because it was out of your control. Totally understandable. And there is space for that in therapy. The good news is, you get to be in control now and work towards getting to a better place of health and wellness.
Here’s the thing about the truth, when it first comes to light, it can be hard. But then it gets easier. You process the feelings, you come to terms with it and now that the information is here, you can actually deal with it head on. You might finally be able to see a family dynamic that impacted you in a negative way, or how there are unresolved emotions around a certain event. The truth has always been there, buried deep, and you have been dealing with it all along.
When you see things from your past with more clarity, you start to understand things that have happened in your life, how those things affected you (and still affect you) and why you reacted in the ways you did. Once it’s out in the open, you get to create a way to move forward.
Coming to terms with hurtful truths from your past is hard, but such a crucial piece to position you in a place where you have power over your life and your choices.
Empowerment is the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in managing your life and claiming your rights.
Once you have a more clear view of things, you will start to see that you can’t control anything outside of yourself. Sometimes we know this but we talk ourselves into thinking that maybe we could have done something to change an outcome that we weren’t happy with or had a negative impact on us.
You might have to remind yourself, on a regular basis, that you can only be responsible for the things you actually have control of, because it’s easy to lose sight of that truth.
If you focus on things that are beyond your control then you will be stuck on a hamster wheel of trying to fix things that can’t be fixed or trying to change things that you don’t have the power to change.
‘As you begin to resolve the problem that brought you to psychotherapy, you’ll also be learning new skills that will help you see yourself and the world differently. You’ll learn how to distinguish between situations you can change and those you can’t and how to focus on improving the things within your control.’ American Psychological Association, Understanding psychotherapy and how it works Last updated: July 31, 2020 Date created: November 1, 201232 min read
It’s important to get clear about what you can manage inside of you, like your thoughts, perceptions, responses to what happens in the outside world.
When you reach this place, your healing and growth accelerate. This is empowerment.
Coming to terms with what you have been through is tough and necessary to start healing. Blaming others, blaming your circumstance or blaming yourself, while it is a natural reaction, is not the way you’ll be able to move forward.
Have you made the decision to begin therapy but not sure where to start? Are you trying to determine if you need individual, couples or family therapy? It’s okay if you answered yes to one or both of these questions! At One Heart Counseling Center, …