Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
Joy. Yes, that feeling you want, that everybody wants, but you never want to have to think about it. Let me be honest. When I read headlines that mention happiness or joy, I’m like “sure, but I have really important things to do like help …
Frustration is like anger’s more socially acceptable cousin. You don’t want to be a jerk so you say “I’m not mad, I’m frustrated”. I like that you are trying to be nice. That’s sweet. But it’s really not helping you. By labeling your anger “frustration”, …
Jealousy gets villainized. It is regarded as unbecoming. And, I get that. But let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater…
This post is #8 in a series of 10: Ten Basic Emotions and their Messages.
Before we start, let’s quickly set the stage.
Each emotion has a general message it wants to convey. Once that message is delivered (meaning you accept it that it is present and that its presence is OK) the emotion or the wave of that emotion can be processed.
Sometimes there are multiple waves of the emotion. Sometimes it takes a little time for the emotion to process through the body, sometimes it is relieved right away. It just depends.
It’s important to remember that there are nuances to the system. Each emotion also has a spectrum of how helpful it can be.
Now… how could jealousy be a sheep???
Jealousy is an arrow pointing to what you desire and do not yet have.
The hard part about jealousy is that it is shrouded in this cloak of distaste, which is what masks the desire.
That distaste is likely a sweet little move by your psyche trying to protect your ego.
For some reason, the thing you are jealous of has traveled through your unconscious mind and an inspector on the production line flagged it as threatening for you to let yourself want it.
Maybe you have gotten messages in your upbringing, your social circle or society that say “you shouldn’t want that”.
Maybe wanting something someone else has makes you feel like you are “less than” in some way.
But, desire is desire no matter what way you slice it.
Furthermore, desire can be a crucial emotional experience. Shutting it down could mean shutting off a source of motivation or excitement in your life. Maybe even the key to a direction or life purpose.
If you find yourself giving the evil eye to someone you would otherwise or usually like, that is a clue. Or, if you find yourself gossiping or making snarky comments about someone, that could be a tip off.
This is different that your spidey senses going off. If you feel like something is up with someone, like they are covering up their true feelings or motives, that is not usually jealousy.
You are human. Natural defense mechanisms are built to protect you. You didn’t design them. So no need to judge yourself or make the defenses wrong.
Once you accept it is OK, you have more access to that desire because you disarmed the defenses. Basically, you successfully hacked your emotions. Bravo.
Let yourself wonder about what it is that you might be desiring that is behind your snarky comments or judgey thoughts.
If you need to vent your way through the jealousy and say super judgmental things to your best friend until the gold of your desire shows up, so be it.
Let it surprise you. You might be finding out something new about yourself.
If you are thinking you might want to actually go for what it is you want, you might need to figure out why you weren’t letting yourself want it in the first place.
Otherwise, you might hit some roadblocks in creating what you want. Believe me, if those defenses showed up once, they will show up again. Especially if you raise the stakes (meaning you get closer to the thing you “shouldn’t want”).
Is a belief you hold in the way? Is it something your family told you?
I’m signing up for that.
I know. It feels like you are. You feel guilty about it. But, really, the fact that you feel guilty about getting annoyed a lot reveals that is not your true nature. You see, guilt is an indication that you have travelled outside the range …
There doesn’t seem to be anything redeeming about disappointment. It’s not exactly a feeling one appreciates. But there actually IS a gift inherent in disappointment. This post is #4 in a series of 10: Ten Basic Emotions and their Messages. The central point is: The human …
Each emotion has a general message it wants to convey. Once that message is delivered, the emotion or the wave of that emotion can subside.
Sometimes it takes a little time for the emotion to process through the body, sometimes it is relieved right away.
It’s important to remember that here are nuances to the system. Each emotion also has a spectrum of how helpful it is. And, anger isn’t always “right” just because it shows up.
I will cover that, but let’s start with the basic message first.
Let’s be honest, anger gets a bad rap. Usually because it is mishandled. Anger is not a problem at all. In fact, it has a very important job.
It provides protection in two ways:
You might not have know about that boundary before, but the anger points out that the boundary exists for you. Just as easily, you might have known about it.
Anger is an extrovert, OK? It does not like to travel alone. If you picture a car, anger is the driver and there is always a passenger. Anger is the driver because it is strong, decisive and very energetic.
Anger helps us be able to do or say things that we normally don’t do or say. That is what normally gets people in trouble.
If you try to push initial anger away or hold it back when it first shows up, then it breaks the dam and that is when our anger gets us in trouble because it is like an explosion. It is out of control and can end up hurting people.
That means it could escalate quickly and take us into our reptilian brain, bypassing all of our resources of willpower, discipline, insight. That little trip to the primitive structures of the brain could cost us a lot. There are things that cannot be unsaid or undone that occur in a rage.
Anger is accurate to your thoughts. So it is crucial to check your thoughts or perception before you get super angry. You might literally be wasting your time and energy being upset about something that is not real.
Anger generates a lot of energy that we feel compelled to discharge. There is a reason for that. The energy is a strong propeller to help us do or say things that we normally wouldn’t.
Think about a beer when it freshly poured. You know the foam on top? That is the anger. The important message about the boundary crossing or more vulnerable emotion is the beer. You don’t drink the beer for the foam usually, you are trying to drink the actual beer. But you have to let the foam settle or graze it off the top to get to what you are really going for. Same thing with anger.
You are going to have to let it settle or discharge it physically somehow to get to the important feeling underneath. Getting through that top layer will also help you find a way to communicate productively about it rather than saying or doing things that will cause harm to yourself or others.
We know it’s noble intention: it is a protection system. We want to preserve that helpful job it does by managing it well.
Make sure it is timely (communicated at a time when the other person can hear it), true, communicated kindly and helpful (will the other person or your relationship benefit from hearing your communication?).
Willingness. It is the one thing that determines how successful my clients are in therapy, and ultimately, in their life. Why? Because it is a state of openness. Ultimately, if there is a challenge showing up, it is happening because there is an adjustment needed. …
Did you know you are setting boundaries all the time, maybe without even knowing it? In the personal growth world, there is a lot of talk about boundaries. First of all, what are they? Boundaries are a framework around relationship dynamics. They are the rules …
Therapy is for people who want to be proactive about resolving limitations and growing through difficulties. Don’t believe me? Check out this Forbes article.
Obviously, people experience different issues and levels of chaos in their lives. Some people have been dealt a deck of cards that is very difficult. But, having super difficult stuff is not the only reason to go to therapy.
Usually that threshold is marked by emotional or physical pain. You find yourself repeating patterns and you are sick of it. Maybe you hate yourself for how you are handling things. You are physically uncomfortable with the intensity of your emotional experience, whether that is anger or anxiety. Or maybe, nothing is fulfilling anymore. And the numbing or lack of meaning or motivation is unbearable.
When my clients come in feeling like they are at the end of their rope, I always tell them this is great news and it is perfect that they are feeling this way. I’m pretty sure they don’t love it.
Here’s why it is great news: In the human emotional system, pain is a powerful motivator. That is the design. If you are in pain, you will likely seek to mitigate it. Hopefully you make some positive choices when you are trying to soothe the discomfort, like look for a therapist or get advice from a friend who is a positive influence. As opposed to other choices that could just land you in a deeper pool of struggle.
Consider the central tenet of Humanistic psychology: human beings are always tending toward growth. We have an innate drive toward self actualization. That means you are going to set yourself up in situations that are going to push you to grow past limitations. Often unconsciously.
It definitely doesn’t look like this at first. It looks like a sh*t storm and you are not loving it. It looks like things are going really wrong in your life. But don’t let this fool you.
In the moment of the hard stuff, you don’t have to worry too much about what growth wants to happen or what the circumstances are mirroring back to you.
Your therapist can help you sort out what limitation you are trying to grow past through the current difficult circumstances showing up in your life.
So, basically, either your internal world (you pass a threshold of discomfort) or your external world will give you the clue that it is time for to look for a therapist.
If you find a therapist that is a good fit for you and you do yourself a favor to make sure you get the most out of therapy, it will work and help you recover as well as grow through the challenge you are facing.
You want to make sure that your life philosophies somewhat match up. It doesn’t have to be exact, but you are going to be growing toward your therapist’s orientation toward challenges and emotional difficulties, so you don’t want to block that process by just not being a match. You will spend more time in therapy wondering if you trust your therapist’s reflections and whether you feel right about where you are being led than actually healing. Waste of time and money. Just do your best get the right fit from the beginning. Look at therapist profiles, call up a couple that you think could be a good match, maybe even do a free in person consult with a couple if you are still not sure.
You are going to be spending a significant amount of time, make sure you find your therapist’s presence to be somewhat pleasant, in the very least.
This is different than a doctors office. When you go to the doctor, the doctor (or the technology or the medication) is doing the work in traditional terms. Make sure you come to therapy ready to be honest and wrestle with the resistance toward being vulnerable and receptive. You are going to get uncomfortable. Breathe with it.
Sometimes people want to stay longer for another round of goals. That’s awesome. But you should feel like you are getting somewhere. By having goals, you can see that you actually are making progress.
To be healthy, build a net before you need it. The earlier you make it to therapy, the easier it will be to make progress. If you see a challenge or growth period on the horizon, start a relationship with a therapist. You will be happy you did.
Everyone encounters seemingly impossible situations. These are situations where it really feels like you are powerless. Your hands are tied. Like, no matter what you do, it’s not going to turn out how you want it. Usually those situations carry emotional intensity. And, let’s be …