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The rise of platforms like Talkspace and BetterHelp bring up this question. And it brings up the reason I started a private practice and decided never to be contracted with insurance companies. SIDE NOTE: At One Heart Counseling Center, we do check your out of …
Sometimes it may feel like you are talking to a brick wall and your kids hear nothing you are saying. But you can rest assured that they are listening and they are always watching! So what are the things they are secretly watching that maybe …
Social media and the internet can be super helpful resources when it comes to building awareness, destigmatizing and educating about mental health. AND, of course, there can be a lot of misinformation because literally anyone can say anything on the internet. So let’s take a second to correct a few things that have gotten distorted.
Only about 2% of the population can be clinically diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. People can have narcissistic traits, but that is not a personality disorder. Those narcissistic traits usually come from a trauma background; they are survival strategies or those traits were simply modeled to them.
“Narcissism is a personality trait many live with and only becomes evident occasionally. Narcissistic personality disorder is a formal mental health condition with persistent symptoms that significantly impact the quality of life.”
(Lebow, Hilary. “Narcissism vs. Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Telling Them Apart.” Psych Central. September 13, 2022.
Calling everyone you struggle with a narcissist is writing people off. When you can see the nuance, take responsibility for your part in the dynamic, then there’s a possibility to create more favorable conditions in the relationship that allow for a better version of you and the other person to show up.
Because gaslighting has become such a buzz word lately, people throw it around any time someone expresses a conflicting point of view. But gaslighting is actually much more than that, it involves a high level of manipulation.
“The main difference between gaslighting and disagreement is about power. In disagreement, the focus is on challenged viewpoints or hurt feelings. In gaslighting, the main goal is to take control over the other person by undermining their sense of self and making them question their sanity.”
(Kreze, Ashley. “Gaslighting vs Disagreement – Understanding Emotional Manipulation.” Real Life Counseling. December 26, 2022. https://www.reallifecounselling.com/gaslighting-dispute/#:~:text=The%20main%20difference%20between%20gaslighting,making%20them%20question%20their%20sanity.)
Sometimes a person may use invalidating statements to you like “just let it go” or “you shouldn’t worry about that”; and that can be hurtful because it makes you feel like your feelings are just being dismissed. This can also be confused with gaslighting, but it’s very different. You can learn more about the difference between gaslighting and invalidating in one of our previous posts HERE. It’s good to know the difference so you don’t throw the term around lightly and accuse someone of the very serious manipulation tactic that gaslighting is.
We all have different opinions and perspectives and sometimes they match up with others and sometimes they don’t…and that’s okay. It’s not wrong to disagree with someone, and as long as you express your disagreement in a respectful way, more than likely, both people can move forward and get past it.
One of the perks that comes along with having a friend you can trust is that you have someone you can confide in. Sometimes you just want to vent and sometimes you need advice and support. It’s a helpful way to cope with stressful events because you can get pent up feelings out into the open in a safe space.
Trauma dumping involves sharing traumatic experiences with someone without warning and without regard to how it will impact the other person. It’s usually at inappropriate places or at inappropriate times and it’s one sided, there isn’t an exchange of thoughts or feedback.
“In short, trauma dumping goes beyond sharing what’s on your mind—it’s a constant focus on past trauma that can hinder healing and harm mental health and relationships”
(“What Even Is Trauma Dumping?” Charlie Health. October 24, 2023. https://www.charliehealth.com/post/what-is-trauma-dumping)
Confiding in a friend is done with the intention of receiving support from someone you trust and not causing undue stress on the other person. Therefore, it is very different from trauma dumping.
If you feel like you may be prone to trauma dumping, check out this previous post where we go through 3 signs of emotional dumping and what to do instead, so that you can get the support you need.
We love that more people are becoming aware of mental health issues and relationship dynamics, but please do not use the internet as a substitute for actual healing or work on yourself. That’s the same thing as going to Dr. Google to find out what that itch on your head is, and then 20 minutes later being scared out of your mind and convinced that it’s cancer. Yes, it’s good to research things, learn, and build your awareness, but work with a professional to actually apply these things to your life.
Of course, if you ask anyone, no one would tell you they want to be depressed or that they like to be depressed. And, even though you might not “like” being depressed, there’s a covert coziness to it. This is why when people say: “get …
When you think of someone who is emotionally strong you may think that nothing bothers them or that they never struggle when they encounter hard situations in their life; but that’s not always true. Being emotionally strong does not mean a person is stone cold …
It’s the time of year where you probably have more contact with your family members. This means conversations may be coming up where you learn that a family member is needing your support.
There is strong societal messaging around the fact that you should always “be there” for your family. This leads to feelings of obligation and guilt. But here’s the thing: you might not always be the best person to support your family member.
Let’s talk about 3 things to keep in mind when a family member needs your support:
While you can listen and give advice, sometimes your family member actually needs to talk to a professional. While you can’t force anyone to go to therapy, you can create the space for them to see the need for it. If you answer calls at all hours of the day or are on the phone daily trying to help your loved one, there are a couple of issues.
Sometimes you end up working harder than they are working on their problem, meaning you take the time to give insightful feedback and suggestions and they don’t put it to use. This will create resentment.
Just like doctors don’t give their family members medical care and therapists don’t counsel their loved ones, the help you give a family member is not objective. There are dynamics at play, there is history, there are things you will say that they will receive differently than they would from an objective, qualified source.
“Don’t try to solve problems for your loved ones. Caring for your family doesn’t mean taking charge of their problems, giving unsolicited advice, or protecting them from their own emotions.” (Segal, Jeanne. “Tips to Improve Family Relationships.” Help Guide.org. October 11, 2023. www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/improving-family-relationships-with-emotional-intelligence.htm)
So, if they go to you, you can listen, communicate your love and refrain from giving advice, instead reflect back: “I feel like this is really hard, you’re going through a lot, you deserve support.” It will feel uncomfortable, and your family member might get pissed off. But by leaving a gap, and letting it get uncomfortable, you’re setting up a situation where they might consider getting support.
This also goes for financial or logistical support (like a place to stay, giving rides, etc). If you’re constantly “there” for them, they do not feel the need to get on their own two feet, you become a crutch.
Let me explain. Let’s say a family member is going through a break up. But in the past, you’ve been hurt by how they’ve handled relationships and breakups. You are dealing with your own feelings about what’s happening in your loved one’s life and now you are trying to support them. That can lead to complications.
Or let’s say someone passes away. Everyone in your family is grieving and people grieve differently. Some people get really focused on material possessions and logistics, some people want space, and some people want to talk about it. Trying to find support only with the other people grieving the same loss can get really complicated.
Yes, you might benefit from coming together to celebrate the loved one that passed, find solace in connecting with other people who know this pain, but trying to completely support another family member who is having a harder time with grief while you are grieving is not ideal. In this case, grief support groups or therapy are helpful.
If helping a loved one triggers trauma or pain for you, then it’s best to refrain from stepping up and being the person they can lean on. It is not selfish to put your own emotional needs first, sacrificing your own health can have a negative impact on you and the loved one you are trying to help.
Yes, I know this might feel selfish at first blush. But if you offer support in a way where you are overextended, this will create more problems.
If you lend money that you really need back and don’t set up expectations or a contract, this can damage your relationship with your family member. If you offer emotional support that you are not able to give for the reasons above, you will resent it and this will create resentment and distance in your relationship.
If you offer a place to stay and don’t clearly discuss your family member’s plans for how long they are staying, you will be hypervigilant in watching how they spend their time and money, and resentful of anything that doesn’t seem to move them toward finding a new place. This will also damage your relationship.
It’s okay to provide support with specific parameters to ensure that you are not taken advantage of. The best support you can give is to tell your family member that you love them, regardless of circumstance. And then support them in a way that reflects that unconditional love for you and them.
If you are having trouble deciding the best way to support a family member contact us, we can help.
It’s only recently that emotional maturity has been the focus of attention and this is great news. Emotional immaturity has been the cause of so much distress in our lives and relationships and now we are learning to do better. The operative word is learning! …
If you’re human, you use defense mechanisms even though you might not consciously know it; and so does everyone you know. And when you can actually see them, your communication, problem solving skills, emotional health and relationships improve. Let’s break this down – what they …
This is a big parenting technique that has been taught for decades about how to deal with tantrums and big feelings: just ignore them. And, if we’re being honest, it makes sense coming from a behavioral perspective – reinforce behaviors you want to see more of and ignore behaviors you want to see less of.
This strategy points to something very important which is your attention; as a parent, it is the most VALUABLE thing you can give your child. So, yes, you want to be intentional about how you give it.
Let’s take a second to consider how you can use that tool in the most efficient and productive way.
This is an important question because how you treat your child’s feelings is how they learn to treat their own feelings. In addition, it’s also how they learn to treat other people’s feelings.
Do you actually want to teach your child to ignore their feelings? Or, respond by punishing themselves for their feelings?
If your feelings were ignored or punished when you were growing up, it’s helpful to reflect on the impact this has on how you relate to your own emotions.
Do you see how that impacts how you relate to other people’s feelings?
If you were told not to cry, do you find yourself telling people not to worry or not to make a big deal out of things? Or judging people (even if you don’t tell them) for worrying or “making a big deal”?
None of this comes from an uncaring place. It’s just how we have been taught on a collective level.
The question is, now with more awareness, how would you like to teach your kids to deal with their feelings, knowing that when they are grown up they will have a relationship with their emotions and the emotions of others based on what you show them?
As a parent you want to address your kids’ emotions and use strategies that are helpful in the present; but also try to think ahead about how you are shaping healthy habits for them in adulthood.
Even by asking this question, it immediately highlights that we have some collective black and white thinking about how to respond to emotions.
A good place to start is: what do I think is a healthy way to respond to emotions?
Next, a good question to ask is: am I doing that with my emotions now and modeling that to my kids?
And, finally: how can I teach what I consider to be a healthy way of dealing with feelings to my child in the moments they are having a tantrum or big feelings.
If our kids regularly see us lose our temper then they will think that’s a normal and acceptable response when they get upset. Then when you try to redirect their tantrum or other negative behavior, what you are asking them to do will not line up with what they he seen you do; for a child that can be confusing.
“Provide positive consequences when your child behaves appropriately. Praise him for managing his feelings well and point out good behavior…”
“The goal is to teach him socially appropriate ways to deal with his big feelings. By teaching him healthier ways to express himself, you’re giving him a lesson to use throughout his life.” (verywellfamily.com | How to deal with Temper Tantrums; Amy Morin, LCSW | May 29, 2021)
Start teaching your children about emotions early so that they can get comfortable with them and know that they are a part of life. We recently discussed how you can instill emotional maturity in your kids, you can check that blog out HERE.
Everyone has different beliefs and values, so this post is about helping you clarify yours for yourself.
Teaching kids about emotions happens mostly through modeling. So, whatever you want to teach your child, model it, don’t just teach about it in the moment. They are always watching. Modeling your behavior comes more naturally than them having to remember the thing you taught them about feelings..
One way to slow things down and come into the moment is to reflect back to them: there are some big emotions right now and that’s OK. I’m here with you.
If your child is doing unsafe things to express emotion, simply focus words/actions/boundaries on being safe. Safety should be the priority and correcting the behavior can be the focus once the safety concern has been addressed.
If your child is old enough, debrief later, teach with a couple short sentences so they can integrate the experience and learn about how to be with emotion better next time. Sometimes talking about their emotions, outside of the emotional event, means they are more receptive to listening and accepting that their behavior was not the best choice of how to handle it.
As a parent your main goal is to have a healthy, happy child that goes on to be a happy, healthy adult. That happens through considering how your actions and reactions to behaviors now can affect how they cope and respond to the big feelings they will experience later in life.
In today’s society lots of activities, both business and pleasure, involve a screen. It’s important to understand the impact of too much screen time and to consider ways to manage it wisely. Did you know that looking at a screen all day can impact your …