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Gaslighting is a term that has been thrown around a lot on social media lately. But most people don’t really even know what it is or how it compares to other behaviors, so let’s clear things up a little bit. Let’s start by defining gaslighting. …
How many times have you been in a conversation with a well meaning loved one and you were told something like “don’t cry”, “don’t worry”, “at least xyz didn’t happen” or “you know what you should do….”? What happened next? Did you feel heard? Did …
One way kids learn about how to talk about and handle emotions is from their parents, both directly and indirectly. How you handle emotions (yours and theirs) makes a significant impact.
Yes, like literally being able to name a feeling.
It seems too simple, but as leading author, psychiatrist and mental health expert, Daniel Siegel, M. D. says: you have to “name it to tame it”.
Essentially, emotions want to be seen. Sometimes just acknowledging them is enough to have them process and evaporate.
As a baby, you might reflect it back to them “oh, you feel frustrated”. Just like you talk to them to help their brain develop on so many levels. You talk to them to help them develop a vocabulary and dialogue around emotions.
You can ask them what they think other kids are feeling like their siblings, friends or other kids you encounter in the world who are having big feelings.
This helps your child pair their internal state with the word. Eventually, they will internalize that understanding and be able to label the feelings for themselves. Again, labeling the feeling can sometimes be enough to metabolize and resolve the emotion that has come up.
When you ask them how they think other children are feeling, that helps them with social connections, developing a sense of empathy and attunement. It teaches them to reflect on other’s emotional states naturally.
Sometimes that is because a person wants to hide an emotion that seems unacceptable, even simply because of societal standards. We worry about being viewed as intolerant or “not nice” if irritation or anger comes up.
“If I were in your position, I might feel pretty mad about that.”
“It would be understandable if that upset you.”
“I wouldn’t blame you for being frustrated about that.”
“I think a lot of people might feel sad in that same situation”
And then leave it. No need to say anything further or have them agree.
These are simply ways to make space for there to be emotion.
Your child or teenager doesn’t have to acknowledge that is the way they feel or might even fully reject your statement. That’s OK.
If you are not sure what the emotion is, you might simply replace the specific emotion with “feel something”. For example: “It would be understandable if you felt something about that”.
Reflecting about feelings leads to acknowledgement of feelings, which leads to better emotional regulation and increased ability to problem solve and communicate.
Feelings will occur whether they are acknowledged or not. Better to have them be part of conscious awareness rather than stored in the body or stored away for a big eruption of emotion at some later date.
If you would love further support around raising emotionally resilient kids, contact us!
There are so many reasons. And, so often we take it personally when someone doesn’t share. We think it means something about us. Well, sometimes that is true. Very often, it isn’t. We’ll talk about both sides. When it is not about you: There are …
Until I trained as a therapist, I never intentionally paid attention to what happens in the process of communicating with someone. Communication just happened. As I learned what process vs content meant, I realized how much information is embedded in the actual process of communication. …
How many fulfilling conversations are you having in a day? I know life is busy and it’s easy to slip into auto pilot, so that might even be a hard question to answer.
You and everyone else you are talking with in your life, from strangers to loved ones, fundamentally want one thing.
Are you getting and giving this?
It’s the most basic of offerings, yet we fail at it so often. We are thirsty for connection, this is one thing we can get better at right now.
Literally leave it out of sight when you are talking to anyone. Research says that just the presence of your phone is a distraction to all people in a conversation. Why? Because it is designed to get your attention on all levels. And then it reinforces that action by offering dopamine hits when we give it our attention.
Yes, LOOK at them. I know that seems too simple. But it is one of the ways we signal to the other person that we are “seeing” and “hearing” them. And we are NOT doing that a lot. Especially if our phone is nearby.
As our attention spans get shorter and we are given information more quickly, this impacts how we interact.
I have been thinking about this a lot because I’m curious about why I feel more alive after some interactions and like I have been run over by a bus in others.
At a social event recently, I was observing how this group of close friends was interacting. These were educated people who are very interested in each other and long time friends. I was floored at how often people interrupted each other to talk about their own selves. AND did not ask a single question about another person. Of course we are starving for connection. The ones closest to us are not even seeing or hearing us!
Yes, ask a single follow up question. People want to be seen and heard. If you ask a question (not interrupting with one), that means you heard your person. It means you are connected.
The declining quality of interactions with each other is leaving us void of feeling connected. When we don’t feel connected and like we belong, we turn to superficial or unproductive activities to get our needs met. It’s a space where judgement, narcissism and selfishness grows.
How about we focus on building back our relationships to places where we are seen and heard? We can all be healthier, more compassionate, connected and fulfilled.
And, someone will notice. Maybe not consciously, but they will want to be around you more. They might say or do something nice, express gratitude and appreciation for you or the next person they see.
What if your spouse, loved one, best friend is not the bad guy? What if you aren’t either? Let’s be honest, sometimes it feels good that the other person is the “bad guy”. Then we get to be right, justified and safe. At the same …
You know when you are talking with someone and you can tell they are super passionate about what they do? That’s my experience of Stephanie Pitts, Educational Therapist and owner of My Ed Therapist in Redondo Beach, CA. I knew about educational therapy before I …
So, you know how to be empathetic, but why don’t you always practice it?
Last week we shared a video on illustrating empathy. It is about connection and presence. Even though you know how to do that, you might not always handle situations with connection and presence.
Things don’t happen in a vacuum. So, you and the person who could really use some empathy and compassion could be in the same situation that is bringing up intense feelings for you both. You might need some empathy and compassion too.
This is where mindfulness skills and emotional awareness come in.
If this is the case, get what you need. Be understanding to the person needing compassion and then make sure you get your own support. Don’t drown yourself trying to only be there for them and not take care of you.
Yup, you are busy, stressed, have little capacity at the moment to really be mindful. It might be a stressful or busy time of year, you might be dealing with other situations, whatever the case may be.
Try to recognize this and circle back to the person needing empathy. Just own it: “Hey, I know I’m not really doing a great job here because I’m going a million miles an hour, I’m sorry”. Saying that versus saying “well, at least you don’t have to do these million things you don’t want to do” or “you’ll be fine” or “don’t worry about it” is going to WIN every time. At the very least, you are connecting briefly through authenticity and that connection can go a long way.
This one is a little harder to catch. If you find yourself being judgmental or angry vs empathetic, it might be because the situation or the way the person is dealing with it is actually triggering YOU and you don’t realize it.
Yes, your co-worker is being victim-y and it is reminding you of your mother who can take on that role. Or, your boss is seeming unreasonably upset and you are reminded of your brother who always blames you.
You might not even know this is happening. But if you are finding yourself having a difficult time showing empathy, there might be a lead there for you. Knowing what is triggering your less than generous reaction will make the situation a whole lot easier to deal with. It loses its power over you once you are aware. And, you get to return to being that loving person you know yourself to be.
Therapists are great at seeing and decoding these things, so if you find yourself in a position more often than you’d like of being less empathetic or compassionate with people in your life, reach out to us. We are here to help!.
The people in your life might not even register this information consciously, but they act on this information. I see how the quality of someone’s listening can open or close doors. I see how relationships flourish or disintegrate as a result of the how people …