Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
It is that time of year. So much is going on and coming up. And, that is natural. When overwhelm hits, it feels like you need to do all the things. What actually needs to happen is taking a step back. Not much good comes …
A couple of months ago, we wrote a post about the Top 5 Back to School Tips from One Heart Therapists. We thought it would be a good time to check back in about those! And to support you in starting to consider what your …
What if your spouse, loved one, best friend is not the bad guy? What if you aren’t either?
Let’s be honest, sometimes it feels good that the other person is the “bad guy”. Then we get to be right, justified and safe. At the same time, we know that actually isn’t worth much in the long run.
Let’s start with this basic assumption: the people you have in your inner circle (the ones you brought into that space) are not bad people AND they are probably not intentionally trying to hurt you. Can we agree on that?
Yet, uncomfortable situations, hurt feelings, anger, disappointment, frustration, jealousy, irritation, overwhelm, guilt… that kind of hard stuff shows up in your inner circle relationships. Actual emotional health means we have access to navigate the ENTIRE RANGE of human emotion.
So, just because something uncomfortable comes up between you and someone else doesn’t mean that someone is bad. It means, there is a chance to actually grow as people and have a stronger relationship with all the good stuff in there: more trust, love, closeness, vulnerability, fun.
Why? Because we are human beings growing through things. And we pick these inner circle people to grow with through life.
Also important to remember: It takes two to tango. The problem nor the solution are one sided. No matter how justified you feel. We push each other’s buttons, we have complementary “stuff” that we bring up with one another. For the purpose of evolving.
You and the other person will need to come to an agreement that you are willing to play this game. This is crucial. It won’t work unless you have willingness on both sides. It does require a level of self awareness and ability to communicate as well.
When something happens that is painful or uncomfortable, make a commitment to talk about it. Yup, bring it up. You might not be ready to talk about it right then. You might need some time to get clear on your feelings and what came up for you, but make a point to acknowledge it and commit to talking about it together.
Do some reflection on what this interaction brought up to the surface for you to be able to see about yourself and how you interact in relationships.
Ask yourself some of these questions:
When else have I felt like this?
What does this remind me of?
How did I contribute to this challenging situation?
Where else do interactions like this come up in my life?
How do I want to show up instead (baby steps are fine!)?
How could I do this differently next time so it is better for me and us?
Realize that it is a gift this is coming up with someone you love and trust. That way you get the chance to ACTUALLY resolve it instead of sending it to the back of the line of repeating patterns that will definitely show up again. And, what I find is that when people actually resolve repeating patterns, what they really want is on the other side. If you can get to this place before you talk about it with your person, you are in a great space that is not emotionally charged to be able to be receptive and collaborative.
Come together with your person and share about what you noticed about yourself, what you got to see in a new light because of the fact that it came up between you, how you see a pattern that is outdated and no longer needed that you are willing to give up to be able to have a better relationship or be a better person. Listen with compassion to what they share.
And, there you go. You are better as a person and your relationship is better. Your conflict did not harm your relationship or waste your time. And no one is the bad guy.
We are not here to make each other happy. We are here to make each other better.
Cold feet. Maybe this is a term you’re familiar with when it comes to weddings. It’s what you see on movies when the bride (or groom) backs out at the last minute and runs away to a different life. “Cold feet” is the term loosely …
Feelings as a source of information have been discounted for so long, we have some catching up to do! There are some pieces of feeling-related advice that have become commonplace like “listen to your heart”, which is progress. But what does that actually mean? Here …
The distinction between being selfish and caring for yourself is an important one. Knowing that your cup needs to be full in order for you to be able to support others is also important.
How you were cared for is how you care for yourself.
Yes, that is your default. And, if you take a look, you will see how sneaky this is and how it unconsciously plays out when you don’t know about this.
I had a mother who was phenomenal. And, she grew in the generation she grew up in. She was tough as nails and that is part of what allowed her to succeed. So this is not about how she failed me. This is about how it was.
There are two big things I remember: she would say that I shouldn’t be ruled by my feelings. And, we were always in a rush.
Every challenge that occurs in my life is boiled down to some place I over rode my feelings. As a Highly Sensitive Person and an Empath, I am pretty tuned in to how I feel. And, I override what I sense often. It is something I have to consciously practice regularly: to check if I am overriding what I sense.
I also do not give myself enough time. Enough time to get places or get things done, enough time in between clients, enough time to integrate when big things in my life happen. I do not give myself enough of other things along the way. I give to others and give myself the scraps. That is a default setting. I have worked hard to do better at this and I’m happy to say I’ve made some progress.
I’m sharing about me because I obviously wouldn’t want to share specifics about my clients and what I have observed throughout the years. What I can share is patterns I’ve seen over time and that’s how you might start to clue into how this shows up for you.
If you had a parent or parents that experienced depression, they may not have been able to attend to all of your needs. There might be some of your own needs that you neglect. It could be as basic as some hygiene needs or it could be related to how you eat.
If you had a parent that was anxious and overly attentive, you might be overly concerned with your own needs and become anxious about meeting them. Like getting to bed on time, making sure you have enough food or performing at the highest level.
If you had a parent who felt anxious about you going to the next developmental step (i.e. became worried about how you would do in the next grade or level of school or when you were launching into the world), you might treat yourself with doubt about being able to take next steps.
If you had a parent that was critical, you may find yourself being very critical of yourself. This may be sneaky, it may exist in some very mundane places. Like what you say to yourself when you are doing a chore or when you are driving or walking to the bathroom. Those in between moments might be where that dialogue lives. It might hide in what you expect others to say about you, so you work to try and correct anything before the criticism can come in.
If you had a parent who was preoccupied with surviving, they might not have given you a lot of reflections back about who you are, how you feel or how you are doing. So, you might not spend time reflecting or know that it is something you might really need.
These examples are simply a jumping off point to jog your mind as you reflect. And, remember, they can be so very subtle. They are probably outside your conscious awareness.
Don’t worry if you don’t come up with an answer right away. The idea is just to start seeing the patterns.
And, then make a choice about whether you wish to continue those patterns (some are good!!) or if you want to make some changes. If you want to make changes, just know that it takes practice. So be patient with yourself.
The other interesting part is that these patterns of how you care for yourself also show up in how you care for the ones that are the closest to you in your every day life.
It could be your pets. I rushed my dogs the other day, poor things. And they let me know they were pissed about it.
Or it could be your significant other or your own child.
You treat your closest connections the way you treat yourself.
My mother rarely gave herself enough time, had enough fun, filled up the car with enough gas, paid herself enough in her business. She rarely allowed her own emotions which is why they would get so so big. So, that is the program she had in caring for me. It also reinforced the patterns since she modeled them in the way she cared for herself.
When you are beyond stressed, there are very few self care remedies that you feel like doing. Even if they are going to do wonders for you like exercise or breathing or meditation. Honestly, when I am beyond, I could care less about what is …
“Emotions can get in the way or get you on the way.” -Mavis Mazhura So, how are you supposed to tell the difference? Are they getting in the way? Or getting you on the way? Let’s break this down. –> We have emotions that are current. [Hint: …
You don’t want to be a jerk so you say “I’m not mad, I’m frustrated”.
I like that you are trying to be nice. That’s sweet.
But it’s really not helping you.
By labeling your anger “frustration”, you are missing out on the true message your emotions are trying to send. In essence, you are getting bad directions. And that just takes longer. I really don’t want unpleasant things to take longer. I bet you feel the same.
This post is #9 in a series of 10: Ten Basic Emotions and their Messages.
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Before we start, let’s quickly set the stage.
Each emotion has a general message it wants to convey. Once that message is delivered (meaning you accept it that it is present and that its presence is OK) the wave of that emotion can be processed.
Sometimes there are multiple waves of the emotion. Sometimes it takes a little time for the emotion to process through the body, sometimes it is relieved right away. It just depends.
It’s important to remember that there are nuances to the system. Each emotion also has a spectrum of how helpful it can be.
Frustration wants to let you know that something is blocking your way and you need to “helicopter up” to see the obstacle so you can remove it or find an alternate route.
We all want to get where we are going. That’s why traffic sucks.
Frustration shows up like a Waze notification to tell you there is an incident ahead and wants to help you find a way around it so you can get to your destination without too much delay. Except, you probably get caught up with complaining or getting mad about the obstacle instead of trying to figure out what it is. I know I do.
What if you could use frustration to your advantage? As it was meant to be used?
Remember, anger is telling you that a boundary of yours has been crossed. Or, at least, you think it has.
Anger means you need to address the boundary crossing. Frustration means you need to back up and find your way around or find a way to remove what is getting in the way.
Both of them usually reside in the arms, hands, upper back, shoulders and jaw. They both give you energy to address the problem.
However, frustration usually happens when you are trying to make progress toward a goal (which can involve a person in an interaction, but it can also be about a situation or thing–like traffic or technology). Anger usually happens in relationship to others (or yourself).
You are discussing a problem with your partner. You notice that you are having a hard time understanding each other so it is taking a while to solve the problem. Frustration or anger?
During the discussion, your partner says “are you an idiot?” Frustration or anger?
If you are frustrated, you might get that signal in your body and pause the conversation for a second (or longer). Usually this is easier if the frustration is not super high, obviously, and you are trying to practice being mindful. You might helicopter up (get a birds eye view) and say, “I’m getting frustrated, I think we are missing each other here. Can you tell me in a different way?”
If you or your partner are angry, you want to stop the conversation and let your partner know that is not OK to address you that way. You probably both need a minute (or longer) to cool down and reset before you try again.
One requires looking for and figuring how to deal with an obstacle, the other is about holding a boundary or protecting yourself, if needed.
It will make you look mature and smart and just awesome to be around. People will like you 😉
No one enjoys feeling guilty. It might be hard to believe there could be anything helpful about it. There is. It tells you something about the kind of person you are. There is even actually something helpful about shame, which seems like a relative of …