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Over functioning can happen in many areas of your life including in relationships, social settings or at work. But what is it exactly and how is it different from being high functioning? Let’s talk about some signs, causes and how to address it. People who …
Being emotionally drained and physically drained sometimes feel the same but they are not! Because they are not the same, we are often left wondering what’s wrong. We ask this question because being THAT tired and overwhelmed doesn’t make sense when you add up all …
Have you heard someone say that a person is emotionally unavailable? Or maybe they have said that they are emotionally unavailable. This is a term that gets used a lot on social media so we thought we’d take a moment to clear it up and explain what it is.
“Emotional unavailability refers to someone who doesn’t respond to your emotional needs or cues. An emotionally unavailable man or woman has persistent difficulty expressing or handling emotions, and getting emotionally close to other people.” (Psych Central | How to Spot Emotional Unavailability: 5 Signs | Julie Marks and Sandra Silva Casabianca, September 24, 2021)
Sometimes people may be emotionally unavailable because they have a lot going on in their life and they don’t have the time, energy or desire to invest themselves emotionally; this is natural. Then there are people who are emotionally unavailable consistently and it’s due to past trauma, a mental health or personality disorder, or some other reason.
Being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable can lead to you feeling insecure because they may not be affectionate, seem distant, or have trouble talking about feelings. In addition, if someone you care about is not responsive to your emotions, it can be hard to build trust or feel connected to them.
And, sometimes, you are that person! It’s OK! We’re all here to learn.
Often times this is something that’s easier to notice in other people. However, if you find yourself noticing it in a lot of others, it might be lurking somewhere for you. It’s important to be honest with yourself and assess your relationships and interactions and be willing to see the signs if they are there.
One of the signs is that you avoid commitment and/or labels. There is a fear of things getting too serious or for deeper connections to be established, so you keep things on the surface level so there aren’t too many emotions involved. You would prefer to just have casual relationships and if the other person expresses care for you, it makes you uncomfortable.
Another way to recognize this in yourself is if you withhold personal feelings and thoughts. “If you’ve found yourself unable or unwilling to share your feelings, you’re likely emotionally unavailable…this includes things like life goals, life regrets, wishes, hopes, and longings. While it may feel like you’re just “being careful” with the vulnerable details of your mind, you can’t create meaningful connections without taking some risks.” (Mindbodygreen.com | mbg relationships | Emotionally Unavailable: What It Means & 15 Signs To Look For | Gigi Engle)
Lastly, reflect on how you handle conflict with others. Are you willing to work through them and try to work it out or are you quick to cut people off? If the latter is true, then you may be emotionally unavailable because ending the relationship is easier than doing the emotional work to maintain the relationship; so to protect yourself you just let them go.
It is possible to manage this and change is possible if you are willing to work at it. Like with most emotional issues, it’s important to take it slow. “ True vulnerability takes time, and pushing yourself to open up before you’re ready can sometimes trigger distress or discomfort. A better approach? Small, gradual changes.” (Healthline | What It Really Means to Be Emotionally Unavailable | Crystal Raypole).
More than likely you built up walls or defenses over time that led you to being guarded with your emotions, so it’s unlikely you can break down those walls overnight, and that’s okay.
Identifying and taking responsibility for your own emotions is a good first step. Being in tune with what you are feeling before you share it with others can be helpful because you will feel less vulnerable. Keeping a journal of your feelings is one way you can get your emotions out and get comfortable with them on your own, and prepare yourself to let others in.
Communication is important, so be upfront with the people that you care about and tell them that expressing emotions is hard for you. If you find it difficult to talk to them then maybe it will be helpful to talk with a therapist. They can offer guidance, help you identify the causes and work with you to develop strategies to be more comfortable with your own emotions and receptive to the emotions of the people in your life.
“…the process of being in a therapeutic relationship with their therapist allows an emotionally unavailable person to experience, perhaps for the first time, how safe, rewarding, fulfilling and comforting it is to be emotionally available and present.” (All Relationship Matters: Relationship Counseling in Melbourne, Online and Telehealth | Understanding the Emotionally Unavailable)
Emotional unavailability, whether on your part or others, can be frustrating and lead to the breakdown of relationships. Meaningful relationships are built on emotional connections; if you are closed off emotionally then you may miss out on feeling connected, feeling loved, having fun, feeling supported in some of the most important relationships in your life.
Have you made the decision to begin therapy but not sure where to start? Are you trying to determine if you need individual, couples or family therapy? It’s okay if you answered yes to one or both of these questions! At One Heart Counseling Center, …
It’s easy to get overwhelmed when you are taking the first steps to begin therapy. You might be wondering if now is the right time to start therapy; or you may have already made the decision to move forward with therapy but are not sure …
So, you know how to be empathetic, but why don’t you always practice it?
Last week we shared a video on illustrating empathy. It is about connection and presence. Even though you know how to do that, you might not always handle situations with connection and presence.
Things don’t happen in a vacuum. So, you and the person who could really use some empathy and compassion could be in the same situation that is bringing up intense feelings for you both. You might need some empathy and compassion too.
This is where mindfulness skills and emotional awareness come in.
If this is the case, get what you need. Be understanding to the person needing compassion and then make sure you get your own support. Don’t drown yourself trying to only be there for them and not take care of you.
Yup, you are busy, stressed, have little capacity at the moment to really be mindful. It might be a stressful or busy time of year, you might be dealing with other situations, whatever the case may be.
Try to recognize this and circle back to the person needing empathy. Just own it: “Hey, I know I’m not really doing a great job here because I’m going a million miles an hour, I’m sorry”. Saying that versus saying “well, at least you don’t have to do these million things you don’t want to do” or “you’ll be fine” or “don’t worry about it” is going to WIN every time. At the very least, you are connecting briefly through authenticity and that connection can go a long way.
This one is a little harder to catch. If you find yourself being judgmental or angry vs empathetic, it might be because the situation or the way the person is dealing with it is actually triggering YOU and you don’t realize it.
Yes, your co-worker is being victim-y and it is reminding you of your mother who can take on that role. Or, your boss is seeming unreasonably upset and you are reminded of your brother who always blames you.
You might not even know this is happening. But if you are finding yourself having a difficult time showing empathy, there might be a lead there for you. Knowing what is triggering your less than generous reaction will make the situation a whole lot easier to deal with. It loses its power over you once you are aware. And, you get to return to being that loving person you know yourself to be.
Therapists are great at seeing and decoding these things, so if you find yourself in a position more often than you’d like of being less empathetic or compassionate with people in your life, reach out to us. We are here to help!.
Feelings as a source of information have been discounted for so long, we have some catching up to do! There are some pieces of feeling-related advice that have become commonplace like “listen to your heart”, which is progress. But what does that actually mean? Here …
A new Art Therapy resource for Orange County! One Heart Counseling Center is excited to announce its new location in Costa Mesa, close to the 405, 73, and 55 freeways. Our new satellite office offers mindfulness based therapy, art therapy, and counseling services for children, …