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It’s human nature to think that if you can just understand why you react a certain way you can stop doing it. But just because you know better doesn’t mean you won’t repeat the same emotional pattern. Just being aware of it is not enough. …
When you think of someone who is emotionally strong you may think that nothing bothers them or that they never struggle when they encounter hard situations in their life; but that’s not always true. Being emotionally strong does not mean a person is stone cold …
Being physically drained and emotionally drained are not the same thing. Even though they can sometimes look similar.
Why is it helpful to know if you’re emotionally drained?
It can save you a fight and it can help you take better care of yourself because being emotionally drained is not something we really know to watch out for and often minimize it thinking: “I shouldn’t be tired”.
This is especially important for people who are highly sensitive, empathic, introverted or (if you’re familiar with Human Design) non-energy types like Projectors, Manifestors or Reflectors.
Knowing when you’re emotionally drained starts with identifying the signs leading up to this state, so let’s talk about what they are.
Ever opened an email and been like “I can’t”… and then you go back later and realize it wasn’t that big of a deal? You don’t know why, but in that moment, a small task felt overwhelming.
The same thing can happen with your kids when you ask them to do a chore or they’re trying to do homework. If they’re navigating emotional intensity that’s going on at home or school, a small task feels like a big ask because they only have so much emotional bandwidth, and at the moment, it’s maxed out.
There is no more energy or headspace left to deal with a situation because you don’t have the emotional capacity to take on anything else, even something minor.
Just like physical growth spurts, there are such things as emotional growth spurts. So if your kid is going through a period of time where they are getting especially overwhelmed, this could possibly be what’s going on.
If this is happening, develop a practice of taking the overwhelm as a sign to take some space to do something else completely, and come back to it later. Or a sign that it’s a good time to pair back on extra activities, projects, tasks.
For a kid, let them play but try to avoid screen time because that doesn’t let them metabolize emotion. It’s better for them to move or go with you on an errand, something that can engage them and create a break. If this is happening for you, go do something you enjoy that recharges you, then come back.
This is your time to tag yourself out. Give yourself permission to take a break because that’s what you need. Allow extra grace and compassion here and downshift to just covering the basics. You will be more upset with yourself if you continue to make mistakes that have to be corrected, then if it takes you longer to complete a task due to taking a break and taking it slow.
Same thing if this starts showing up for your child.
Instead of getting critical and trying to get more strict around mistakes, simply realize, oh, this is time for rest. Don’t focus on the mistakes, focus on what is leading to the mistakes which is the need to rest and take a break.
Usually if you or your child start doing this, you’re not necessarily aware that you’re drained. This is just how the mind/body/brain starts to go into energy conservation mode.
So, start to pay attention when easy mistakes start happening so you can recognize that this is your system’s way of letting you know you need to power down.
Listening to your body and your performance will give you good indicators about what is happening inside of you and what you need.
There’s something about getting into a space of overwhelm that causes you to lose all sense of time and reality.
“Emotional dysregulation refers to difficulty in regulating emotions. It can manifest in several ways, such as feeling overwhelmed by seemingly minor things, struggling to control impulsive behaviors, or having unpredictable outbursts.”(Medical News Today | What is emotional dysregulation?; Zia Sherrell, MPH on April 7, 2022)
Your thoughts and general outlook are clouded by your emotions and it feels like it always will be and always has been this way.
Dysregulation is temporary, especially when we are able to see the dysregulation is happening. Obviously, it will persist longer if we don’t do something about it.
So when you find yourself experiencing feelings of despair, saying or thinking that something will “always be” and “never will be”, it’s likely that you are emotionally drained.
Same thing goes for your kid. When you start to hear “always” and “never”, then you know it’s time to recharge and reset.
You see kids resisting sleep the most when they are overtired and likewise, people resist situations that require emotional stability as a result of being overwhelmed emotionally.
So the guidance is to start observing yourself and others for the cues you get signaling that you are emotionally drained.
In our last post we discussed nervous system regulation and how it can impact your mental and emotional health. Now let’s cover how to support your nervous system and develop habits to cope before stressful situations occur. How to Know your sympathetic nervous system …
You have probably seen people in the mental health and mindfulness space talk about nervous system regulation. Nervous system regulation sounds complicated but once you understand some basics, it’s easy to see the immediate positive impact it can have on your life. So, let’s go …
All is calm… All is bright… but not for everyone.
If you just had a baby then your home is definitely not calm, there is probably a lot of crying and a lot of sleepless nights happening in your house. And if you are struggling or recovering from postpartum depression or anxiety then this holiday season most likely doesn’t feel quite bright.
The increased social expectations and the pressures of the holidays to be “festive” or “merry” can be incredibly overwhelming for parents struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety. 1 in 7 women and 1 in 10 men will struggle with postpartum depression or anxiety, so the most important thing to remember this holiday season, if this is something you are facing, is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Most women will experience some form of ‘Baby Blues’ following the birth of their child. This may include bouts of intense emotions, mood swings, uncontrollable crying, and difficulty sleeping. Baby Blues is directly related to hormonal changes that occur for women following birth and will dissipate after 2 weeks postpartum.
If you have lingering symptoms following that 2 week period you may be struggling with a postpartum mood disorder. For men, the symptoms of postpartum depression will manifest beyond the 2 weeks as well and will look similar to the symptoms you would see in women.
-intense feelings of sadness, hopelessness, worthlessness and/or guilt
-blaming self when things go wrong
-struggling to find joy in activities that were previously enjoyable
-increased irritability
-feeling so anxious or worried you are unable to calm yourself down
-difficulty concentrating
-lack of energy
-big changes in appetite that result in eating much more or less than usual and/or quick or drastic changes in weight
-difficulty sleeping
-thoughts of suicide or that your family would be better off without you***
***If you are feeling this way reach out immediately to your health care provider or reach out for professional help and support. Resources are linked at the bottom of this article.
Many new parents would be able to say that they have experienced some of the above symptoms (especially difficulty sleeping!), but it is important to note and recognize when these become impactful to your functioning and many parents will experience many additional stressors that intensify some of the above symptoms during the holidays.
The pressure during the holidays to bake all the things, decorate all the things, buy and wrap all the things and do all the things perfectly can set us up with unrealistic expectations. Where are these expectations coming from?
If we take a closer look, those expectations and thoughts about “all the things” are actually within our realm of control.
First, press pause!
If we take minute to consider the pressure we place on ourselves we may be able to let some of it go. If you think that the pressure is coming from a partner or extended family, talk to them about it. You may find that the expectations they have for you is much less than you are placing on yourself.
Do you work yourself up thinking or worrying about what gift to get or planning the dinner or perfect holiday party?
Someone once told me that it is ok to plan an event, but don’t plan the outcome.
If you project out and expect things to go a certain way or build up an expectation of how it should or shouldn’t be, then you are setting yourself up for feeling anxiety and stress.
So go ahead and plan the holiday dinner, but if you burn the dinner, release the pressure or expectation you set for yourself. Order take-out or defrost something you have in the freezer. Remember the expectations others have of you is probably less than what you’ve imagined.
If pressure, obligation or perfectionism get triggered, we wrote some supportive posts here: The Cost of Perfectionism and 3 Ways to Create Trust and Connection Without Being Perfect.
Are there several holiday parties or events you said you would attend?
Are you planning to visit multiple family members and need to travel long distances to see them all?
Are you volunteering, cooking, baking… are you over extending yourself to do it all?
Try setting more realistic expectations for yourself this year! You had a baby and you’re already struggling with anxiety or depression… If something is overwhelming, it is ok to prioritize yourself and to say no. If it is something that you really want to do, but it still feels overwhelming, ask for help.
Try not to over extend yourself and give yourself time to acknowledge what you need.
Although this is supposed to be a joyful time of year, the holidays can also stir up feelings of sadness, loneliness, anxiety and grief. It is ok to feel all these feelings.
Don’t push the feelings away or tell yourself that you “shouldn’t” feel this way during the holidays, because all that does is create a sense of guilt for feeling this way.
Acknowledge and accept that this year feels different and you may need to practice more coping skills and practice more self-care to navigate these feelings this year.
While it may not be realistic or possible to take a full day to yourself or even a full hour to yourself, try to make space to have time to re-charge your emotional battery and do something enjoyable (or something you used to find enjoyable pre-baby).
Perhaps that’s as simple as sitting down for a moment to drink your coffee or taking relaxing bath or shower, whatever it may be, be sure you are making time to care for yourself so that your battery isn’t depleted.
Even better if you can take a walk outdoors! Studies have shown even walking outside for 15 minutes a day can reduce symptoms of postpartum depression and anxiety.
Give yourself some grace and time to know that this is an especially challenging time in your life. Not only are you adjusting navigating the holidays with your baby, but you may also be suffering from postpartum depression or anxiety which makes this time of year more challenging.
Family and friends will not know what is going on with you unless you tell them! Don’t be afraid to share what you are feeling and express to them that you need help.
Don’t be afraid to reach out to a professional to talk about what’s coming up for you.
An additional resource that may help is connecting with other parents struggling with postpartum depression and anxiety:
PSI helpline 1-800-944-4773
Call us here or talk to one of our therapists at One Heart Counseling Center:
If you are having suicidal thoughts contact: 1-800-273-8255
You will get through this holiday and no matter how or what you decide to do to manage this new holiday season as a parent, know you are doing the best that you can do.
You are parenting in the best way you can and that is good enough! And remember that you are not alone.
This article was written by Chelsea Derossi M.A., LMFT, ATR. Chelsea currently works at One Heart Counseling Center with parents in all stages of parenting! She has completed specialized training with Postpartum Support International and is working toward licensure as a PMH-C (perinatal mental health counselor).
We have entered the holiday season and perfectionism is something that can come up now more than other times of the year, especially for perfectionists. However, you can create trust and connection without being perfect. In our last blog post we talked about the cost …
Couples therapy can be so helpful to work through issues and learn positive ways to communicate with your partner. The couples who see the most impactful results are those who start sooner. Destigmatizing couple’s therapy and preparing for the process together can set you and …
In today’s society lots of activities, both business and pleasure, involve a screen. It’s important to understand the impact of too much screen time and to consider ways to manage it wisely.
Studies have shown that adults who watch TV or look at a computer for more than 6 hours per day are more likely to experience moderate to severe depression (healthline.com).
Depression can lead to loneliness and isolation and spending the majority of your day in front of a screen will likely prohibit you from connecting with real people and creating relationships, adding to the loneliness .
Screen time late in the evening can have negative effects on sleep habits as one study concludes, ‘the use of portable light-emitting devices immediately before bedtime has biological effects that may perpetuate sleep deficiency and disrupt circadian rhythms..’(Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences).
We know that getting adequate sleep each night is important to mental health and we talked about the importance of rest in a recent blog post. Have you checked out Which 5 Basics are Essential to Your Mental Health?
There’s no need to judge ourselves or others about screen time. For so many adults, screen time is something that can’t be avoided. Some jobs require that you work on a computer most of the day.
Also, not all screen time is bad. Keeping in touch with friends and family through social media or video chat is sometimes the only connection you may have with them, and those connections are important.
However, something to keep in mind is what this article on keepitusable.com explains about how social media can be addicting. It states, “Having your social connections reaffirmed makes you feel good. Social networks are physically addictive as well as psychologically. A study from Harvard University showed that self-disclosure online fires up a part of the brain that also lights up when taking an addictive substance, like cocaine.” So when we feel like we are being sucked in and that we need to check in online it may be because we are craving that high that we experience from being online.
The Netflix series ‘The Social Dilemma’ shows how the use of social media platforms is causing humans to interact with each other differently . It goes on to demonstrate how social media platforms are able to manipulate their users through constant notifications, engagement features such as the like button, and by sharing information that is targeted to specific groups.
Seeing these things and using these features encourage them to think and feel a certain way, and sometimes take action based on those feelings. So, feeling like you need to check your phone constantly is based on compelling chemical responses occurring in the body.
This is why it’s important to be mindful of being judgmental about screen time. It’s not all within your control, especially if you are not aware of the physiology behind those impulses. This is why building awareness is key.
Setting up boundaries and limits related to screen time is just as important for adults as it is for kids. There are apps and tools on your phone or other devices that are available to help you track your screen time and set limits for yourself.
iPhones give you a screen time report with the average time spent per day on your phone and how it compared to the previous week.
You can go into your settings and schedule downtime or set time limits for each app. Most Android devices also have this feature within their settings.
You can also use devices like an Apple watch or Fitbit that will remind you to move when you have been inactive for a period of time. Use these reminders to take a break from the screen.
Awareness and reminders are key to support you in beginning to wisely manage your screen time. Managing screen time is something you can do to support your overall well being.
There are a variety of ways you can set boundaries and limits for screen time. Here are a few ideas:
When setting boundaries and limits on screen time you will need to be intentional and goal directed.
If you are experiencing dissatisfaction, boredom, difficulty being present, difficulty concentrating or enjoying life, decreased personal interactions, trouble with relationships or poor sleep habits it may be directly related to the amount of time you spend in front of a screen.
It can help to identify what you are struggling with and then track how cutting back on your screen impacts those specific struggles. If you see positive results you will likely be encouraged to stick to your boundaries and limits on screen time.
Focusing on these three things can make all the difference:
Do you have trouble setting boundaries for yourself when it comes to screen time? If you need support with this Contact us, we would love to help!
As a parent, if you can teach your teen to master the basics then you will be setting them up to cope with the stressors of life in a healthy way. All parents want to prepare their children to be able to face challenging situations …