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There can be tension during the holidays when you try to decide which family you’re going to spend time with each holiday. It can also be tough to be caught in the middle between your partner and your family. Here’s how to navigate boundaries during …
If you’re human, you use defense mechanisms even though you might not consciously know it; and so does everyone you know. And when you can actually see them, your communication, problem solving skills, emotional health and relationships improve. Let’s break this down – what they …
There’s a lot of conversation around holding boundaries with people in our life. But how about with ourselves? If we are putting an emphasis on something like boundaries in a relationship, we also want to check in on what we are doing around that very same topic in our relationship with ourselves.
Let’s talk about why this is important and then we will get into what that actually looks like.
Everything begins within. So, if you have expectations of others, it’s important to hold yourself to similar standards. This is part of living with integrity (which means living in alignment with your values).
When you’re not doing with yourself what you expect of others, the fact that they’re not meeting expectations will be amplified. There will be more impatience, irritation and frustration. Those emotions are trying to get your attention so that you will be aware of those areas where you might not be living out those values. This supports your growth and evolution.
You want other people to be loving, but are you loving with yourself?
You want others to communicate, but do you have attunement and communication with your own internal world?
And, of course, you want other people to respect your boundaries, but are you respecting your own boundaries?
These are questions to ask yourself because you may not even realize that you aren’t treating yourself in the same manner that you expect others to treat you. If this is the case, it’s OK! We all have spaces where we can clean this up.
When someone says, “I give you my word” they are essentially making a promise, and they are putting their own reputation and values on the line because if they don’t follow through it reflects negatively on that person. When they do follow through, that person is considered trustworthy and dependable.
It’s the same concept with your own inner dialogue. Your word is the foundation of self discipline.
When this is solid, you have the power to do anything you set your sights on because you can count on yourself to follow through.
When you promise yourself that you will do something, what happens? Do you feel pretty sure you will follow through? Or does it feel kind of flimsy, like you know it’s probably not going to happen?
It’s normal to have a higher regard for a promise to someone else than ones that you make to yourself. That’s because there’s been a lot of training and conditioning to make sure you meet the expectations of others; unfortunately this sometimes means that what you need to do for yourself falls by the wayside.
The good news is, the tide is turning. We are learning to balance our needs with the needs of others. Mastering this balance is beneficial for everyone, you and the people you interact with. And, it means the space to grow your personal power is more available than ever. (Learn more about self-care in a previous blog post HERE)
Now, how would your life be different if you followed through and held your boundaries with yourself?
If you are able to discern what is truly important to you and hold yourself to those standards, life will feel and look different. You will feel more peace because that’s what comes with living in sync with your values. You’ll also feel a greater sense of empowerment because you are managing your responses to personal situations in a way that shows respect for yourself and what you have identified as important to you.
In addition, the need for relationships to mirror back these places where there is a misalignment will be reduced. And, in cases when relationships do mirror back and reveal the places where boundaries with yourself are not being upheld, it’ll be easier to deal with because you’ll now be aware that it’s a mirror showing you what you need to clear up within yourself.
Boundaries with yourself are essential to both life satisfaction and healthy relationships with others. “When we respect ourselves, we are more worthy of receiving love and, in turn, giving love to others.” (mindbodygreen.com | 12 Ways To Show Yourself Respect (And Teach Others To Do The Same); Danielle Dowling, Psy.D.)
Holding a boundary creates safety and helps you trust yourself. This leads to you feeling confident in the decisions you make for yourself and to be able to connect with others in a positive way.
Boundaries with yourself can include things such as: saying no to things that drain you, not working on the weekends or during designated family time or taking breaks from social media.
Boundaries with others can include things like: asking them to give you space when you are overwhelmed and need some alone time, letting people know that you have a specific amount of time available for a meeting/other event and not staying past that time frame, speaking up and let them know if you are not comfortable talking about something or answering a question. This can all be communicated and executed with love.
Upholding boundaries with yourself also includes the important work of maintaining the boundaries you put in place with others. Having proper boundaries has to do with follow through, not just communication.
You can tell someone you’re not okay with something, but if you allow it to happen anyway you’re not following through; therefore they’ll likely assume that boundary isn’t important to you. You telegraph to others what you are willing to allow by how you adhere to boundaries. We talked about this previously when we covered ‘How to Make Setting Boundaries Easier and More Effective’.
Setting boundaries for yourself is important and it may take a little practice to learn how to uphold those boundaries. But once you start to see the positive changes that come along with sticking to those boundaries it will become easier.
How many times have you been in a conversation with a well meaning loved one and you were told something like “don’t cry”, “don’t worry”, “at least xyz didn’t happen” or “you know what you should do….”? What happened next? Did you feel heard? Did …
Until I trained as a therapist, I never intentionally paid attention to what happens in the process of communicating with someone. Communication just happened. As I learned what process vs content meant, I realized how much information is embedded in the actual process of communication. …
How many fulfilling conversations are you having in a day? I know life is busy and it’s easy to slip into auto pilot, so that might even be a hard question to answer.
You and everyone else you are talking with in your life, from strangers to loved ones, fundamentally want one thing.
Are you getting and giving this?
It’s the most basic of offerings, yet we fail at it so often. We are thirsty for connection, this is one thing we can get better at right now.
Literally leave it out of sight when you are talking to anyone. Research says that just the presence of your phone is a distraction to all people in a conversation. Why? Because it is designed to get your attention on all levels. And then it reinforces that action by offering dopamine hits when we give it our attention.
Yes, LOOK at them. I know that seems too simple. But it is one of the ways we signal to the other person that we are “seeing” and “hearing” them. And we are NOT doing that a lot. Especially if our phone is nearby.
As our attention spans get shorter and we are given information more quickly, this impacts how we interact.
I have been thinking about this a lot because I’m curious about why I feel more alive after some interactions and like I have been run over by a bus in others.
At a social event recently, I was observing how this group of close friends was interacting. These were educated people who are very interested in each other and long time friends. I was floored at how often people interrupted each other to talk about their own selves. AND did not ask a single question about another person. Of course we are starving for connection. The ones closest to us are not even seeing or hearing us!
Yes, ask a single follow up question. People want to be seen and heard. If you ask a question (not interrupting with one), that means you heard your person. It means you are connected.
The declining quality of interactions with each other is leaving us void of feeling connected. When we don’t feel connected and like we belong, we turn to superficial or unproductive activities to get our needs met. It’s a space where judgement, narcissism and selfishness grows.
How about we focus on building back our relationships to places where we are seen and heard? We can all be healthier, more compassionate, connected and fulfilled.
And, someone will notice. Maybe not consciously, but they will want to be around you more. They might say or do something nice, express gratitude and appreciation for you or the next person they see.
What if your spouse, loved one, best friend is not the bad guy? What if you aren’t either? Let’s be honest, sometimes it feels good that the other person is the “bad guy”. Then we get to be right, justified and safe. At the same …
The people in your life might not even register this information consciously, but they act on this information. I see how the quality of someone’s listening can open or close doors. I see how relationships flourish or disintegrate as a result of the how people …
How are you supposed to filter through all that feedback?
There is the end of the spectrum where you trust what other people say about you or what you should do over trusting your own inner knowing.
The other end of the spectrum is ignoring or minimizing any feedback.
Let’s face it, we can’t see 360 degrees around ourselves and we all have blind spots.
Sometimes the most important feedback can come from unexpected sources. Sometimes the feedback itself doesn’t “sound good”, but it is actually really helpful once you get past your initial feelings about it.
Ok, people are not usually trained in giving feedback. If they are hurt or concerned, they might have made a categorical statement like “you’re a jerk”. Well, people are complicated, so you can’t boil someone down to one thing.
So, let’s put it into perspective even if your loved one might have used different phrasing: do you sometimes act like a jerk? (Big difference between being one and acting like one).
You know what? Sometimes I act like a jerk. Usually under circumstances where I am overwhelmed.
If you are repeatedly getting the same feedback, it is good to take a closer look at this.
Maybe you don’t intend to come off a certain way. But you do.
So, under what conditions are you doing that? Is there anything you need to shift?
If you need help looking at this, go to a trusted friend and see if they can give you any specific examples. Try not to be defensive. You are doing this to grow.
Is there anything about this person’s feedback that is more about them than it is about you?
I remember when I was opening a private practice and a colleague was telling me about all these safety issues I needed to be concerned about. I totally took that on board. When I talked to a couple of other people, I realized that this person’s advice about safety issues was specific to them. She brought up good points, but I maybe did not need to go to the extent she was recommending.
Let’s say you want to be a person that others can come to for the truth. You get feedback that you are mean when you are just trying to be honest.
Instead of dismissing that feedback, you can investigate a little: Is it actually important to me for people to receive my honest feedback?
If you decide it is important, it would be good to ask yourself if there is anything in the way of your honest reflections being received. Are you personalizing it (i.e. saying “you’re a jerk” vs “you’re acting like a jerk”) or using a harsh tone? Are you belittling or being condescending in your tone? Is your feedback more often unsolicited? Do you maybe want to start asking if someone wants feedback before you offer it, that way they are more receptive and ready for it?
If you are not sure, ask an honest friend or a therapist.
Check to see if it could hold a valuable insight.
See if there could have been a valid reason for you acting the way someone is saying you act. Meaning, does that way of being have a noble intention?
For example, I got the same piece of feedback from two important people within the same week: “you care too much about what people think”. Ugh. I never wanted to be that person.
Because it was said to me twice, I decided to take a look. Yes, my mother was a volatile human being when I was a kid. I had to care what she thought. Caring about what she thought made it so it was less likely a bomb would go off. I just didn’t know I was continuing to be that way so much later in life when I didn’t need that strategy anymore.
Brene Brown says that she has a short list of people she trusts enough to give her honest feedback. She says that list is on a 1 inch x 1 inch square of paper. That’s a short list! Think of the people you trust in your life and just stick to their feedback, leave the rest.
The benefit of being open is that you are more approachable and feedback is vital to growth, so you will have the ability to get further faster.
The benefit of being discerning is that you will not waste your energy on information that is not FOR you.
Did you know you are setting boundaries all the time, maybe without even knowing it? In the personal growth world, there is a lot of talk about boundaries. First of all, what are they? Boundaries are a framework around relationship dynamics. They are the rules …